I Don't Know What To Do..

So I'm not going to do anything. I think the best thing to do would be to stop talking to the people at work about me and Corey and either talk to him about it or just don't talk about it. I don't think I was super bothered before I started talking to Alex about it. or before Sandra sent that text. But it didn't really go as bad as they thought it would. So he didnt freeze. I told em how I felt last night not like oh i still have feelings for you but just in general and i was pretty honest without trying to be too emotional. he was great. it really surprised me he was just there for me like he used to be. then i didnt text him back and i woke up confused. he texted me at like 740 saying it wasnt as bad as they thought it would be. then he texted me at like noon saying i guess youre upset with me. i hope your day is good. and that you stay warm. and be safe if you have to drive. idk what to say. idk what to DO. like...i was thinking oh i shouldnt like..idk i wanted to not talk to him for a week or two weeks .  i mean...idk. to see if he'd notice. cause i am tired of being invisible. but i mean...idk if hes not gunna see me hes not going to see me. and if hes meant to see me God will give him the wakeup call. like..i cant like ...do anything. I cant control I cant puppeteer I said I wouldnt. I mean...idk. Idk what to do Im lost but I feel like lately I been regretting so much wishing I wouldve appreciated what I had and I didn so I lost it. But now I mean I have everything I wanted the difference is THEN he has feelings for me. and now he doesnt. but we talk like every day all day and we see eachother on weekends. yes i want more and no im not necessarily completely happy with this. but i mean i feel like...i would be doing the same thing i did in the past throwing it away because its not enough. it is very unlikely this will end up being more. that one day he'll wake up and see me. but who knows. he is my best friend right now. and I would miss him SO much to just be like oh all or nothing you dont want to be my boyfriend then i dont want you in my life at all. ya know. idk. i mean i read the friends with benefits stuff and i mean it fits the bill as far as i only ever go over there we dont go out. he doesnt call. we only text. but its always been like that. even when we were together. he doesnt seem like a phone person. ut yea. and yea i only go over there at night. idk. its a unique situation because a lot of it has to do with his schedule. and the fact that he doesnt work anymore ya know. since he lost his job he hasnt spent a dime on me. i dont even bother to make him. i mean a whole ...3 months its been. he could if he was really thinking about it but hes not. he only thinks about one thing. hes in an extreme building phase before and rrelationships are taxing. it WOULD take his time and energy away from training etc to focus on me. thats why he does better than i do on a daily basis. in truth i need to focus more on my goals and less on him but he helps me. he gives me someone to talk to. he encourages me. and he makes me feel better when im sad. iif im honest with him. i do want to be with him. but more than that i just want him to see me. ive been here all along but he doesnt see me. he only sees bodybuilding. idk if it will ever change. i mean we could get to the shows and he could have his eyes on all these hot figure girls. but heck there will be good looking guys there too. and i want to look good as hell also so next time people will be looking at me. idk how he will feel about that if i'm not all up under him and actually worried about me. but i mean he knows me. he knows how big my heart is. but he doesnt appreciate me cause there isnt any doubt. and i cant fake it. if hes supposed to be with me one day doubt will arise on its own to fuel some passion and we will see. but i cant talk about it. i said i wouldnt and i havent and things have been good. we talk everyday. i wont have to go without him if things stay like this. i will be right there next to chris. maybe even closer during prep. but i mean...it just didnt feel right. it felt forced trying to do all that. i like talking to him all the time. i like hanging out with him i want to go to the movie this weekend. who knows maybe one day itll turn into something or maybe it wont. but he is emotionally unavailable right now. im not going to walk around being loyal and acting like im taken when im not. ya know, if someone comes along great but i have SO MUCH TO DO im already behind in school. i need to stop worrying about this NOW. and leave it up to God. I will say a prayer inspired by this guy that came in yday john milo. he said whatever you have give it to God and he will turn it into something useful. So i give you God this weak brain with an inability to concentrate and I ask you turn it into something useful. Let it be used to help me graduate. Help me accomplish tese things. I give you me and Corey. to turn into what you wish. I think I will be the only ex hes ever stayed friends with. the girl who knows him most and loves him more than anyone next to his family. I give you our friendship or whatever it is and I ask you to bless it and purify it and make it into what YOU want it to be. if that is nothing then you can do that. if you want it to be friendship forever then you can do that. if you want it to turn into something more and you think you can take these shambles and build a home out of it then i would be forever grateful but i want your will. Im just going to let things be what they are. weve come so far and hes all i have my only fit friend and we're there for eachother and our friendship is good. if he doesnt have any feeling sfor me who knows maybe one day theyll return maybe they wont but I trust God and know I'll be given what makes me happy and is best for me whether its him or not. idk. i'll just...let i be. honestly. like..just like the other night i now see what this is. im shutting down. like i used to. i have missed that all these years. id much rather have trouble saying whati need to say than to spit out everything that comes to my mind all the damn time. and be just..uncontrolled. i am thankful for this hardening to be honest. I think God is really prepping me to succeed this year but i tell you what I have not been following my meal plan Ive just been doing whatever and I need to stop. Its time to get serious if this $800 suit and $1100 training program is going to be worth it. no one expects me to do well but i dont care. I have a plan and Im going to make this happen but i have to be more serious. when i get back from the gym i have to get my groceries and cook and study. i wish i could hang with him. but i cant. i will be able to saturday though. and i mean i get to talk to him all day. i get to see him. i still get to feel his touch and cuddle with him and everything i love. i just dont get to hear him say...anything emotional to me ever. but i guess i just have to....lock itup. pretty much forever. as long as he doesnt know how i feel...i cant REALLY get hurt. i cant get rejected if i dont try and hes not looking for a relationship so i just pray that doesnt happen cause im going to get hurt regardless if it does. anyway. alright so...moving forward.