Awesome week- Last Night Was Bumpy- But We Got Over it

So last week man. we talked all day everyday. that wasnt what I expected at all! We talked Sunday and i felt special cause he texted me back all day and it was playoff sunday. found out he was a manning fan. got us both peyton freaking manning shirts. which he was excited about. i mean it was JUST like in the beginning when he didnt mind me being forward or anything and he was really sweet and flirty with me and i liked it a LOT everyday was a good day. i was just being me. and it was cool with him. and hes hilarious. it just felt good to be back to normal. all week i didnt know if i was going to get to see him this weekend and i swore i wouldnt bring it up but of course i did. and he said friday was cool and i went to work had my stuff ready but not the shirts. but he said he didnt think it was a good night to come over cause he was sore and had planned on going to bed early and i was like i understand which i did. i was just so happy he was honest with me. so i went home and ended up going over there saturday. we took pics in the shirts and then he randomly like demanded i take it down in the middle of the night bc he said he looked gay? which struck me as very off and i got real suspiscious and the night went downhill from there. we got into like a weird...mode. i was all hopped up on stimulants AND high so he was irritating me and like...provoking me which was turning me off so i wouldnt say much. i ended up leaving at like 2am cause i couldnt sleep and he was just really rubbing me the wrong way. so i went home. cried profusely in the car about how im in love with him and he will never love me. this morning i felt shitty but i texted em before i went to work trying to be as like..proactive and non judgemental as possible but i told him i wasn't upset last night or mad and still wasn't it was just the way he was talking to me was rude. and that i don't do it to him so if he could just think about what he says and how it comes out it would help me out cause when he does that i just shuts me down. and i mean i just told em like several times i wasnt saying this and that youre an asshole and id keep my word on what i said id do. i didnt like bring up emotion or anything. at all. i was just talking about like this specific incident. it reminded me though i wasnt completely crazy before there was a reason i always said he treated me bad. and if hell fix that well be golden. the picture thing. idk. i guess ill just drop it. im a really attractive girl. most ppl agree. so i dont know how he could possibly look gay standing next to me the pic was awesome. and im sick of fighting him over it. so i sent him a text on how i feel about it and that will be it. im trying to keep my word lately. last night another reason i was feeling shitty was that well msotly i was so hyped up. but i was just fawning over him and he jut really didnt care. for the most part ya know. i do feel like...i mean idk the sparkle is dying down. like FINE if you dont want to take pics with me dont. i dont care anymore if theres evidence or trying to stake my claim and like be on your page so everybody can like our shit again. and if he doesnt want people to know about me i have way more of a reason for ppl not to know about him. i guess he doesnt want there to be any misconceptions but i literally feel like CHRIS would take a pic with me and let me tag him and it wouldnt be a big deal. so this is wack ya know. im not going to be anybodys secret. i just cant take him seriously anymore. we can still hangout and "hookup" as he says. but like..yea i just cant take him seriously. he doesnt take me seriously either. the pic thing makes me feel bad and im sick of it. he KNOWS how i feel about it and still just doesnt care and i feel like hes hiding something and worrying about what people thing and I AM NOTHING to be ashamed of at all. but he doesnt see me like that. he doesnt see me as like hot babe to be proud of. and thats annoying. i have to leave soon but i will say like it wasnt horrible at all. it was actually really awesome and perfect until he made me take that pic down which was at like...hours after i put it up. it was annoying and ruined everything honestly. i wasnt even planning on talking to him today. but yea like at first i went over and we were just talking like last time it was cool. and then the shirts. and like chris came home and gave me a big hug and was talking to me about my status said he was jealous of the shirts etc. and then like hung out with us for a bit which was fun as always i love chris. and we smoked. and then like i mean i think we had kissed a little bit before. it was more like immediate physical attention than it was last time. he got on me like he used to. and then like when we went back into his room after the fact was when shit started to go down. like the kissing was amazing and the sex was like the best weve ever had. it feels like hes more aggressive now idk but i love it. that was the closest i ever came to actually having an orgasm with him. the second time i ended up on top of him it was crazy cause it went in on its own no lubrication required and yea he nutted after that one. but yea i wanted to keep going and he was tired i wish he didnt get so tired now :( but anyway i would normally have been tired if not for all the stimulants bleh. but yea so basically it was awesome i did want to do butthole stuff to him actually but when i finaly found it he was like get out of there lol which offended me i was like what now im not allowed in your butthole. he acted like he didnt like it all of a sudden. so weird. idk. i hope nothing is going on with him and someone else. id like to think not. this time was definitely more like..even after the issues he was like that he didnt want me to leave he wanted to talk it out i mean he was being rude but he wasnt acting like he didnt give a shit. which was nice for once. like it felt like ..idk like he thought of us as more than friends. but i mean. yea i didnt really say anything about relationships or emotions this time. at all. from now on i just wont. i figure like either we'll get closer or itll fizzle out on its own. i plan on that definitely being the last time i initiate me going over there. i mean...i love hanging out with him but the glimmer of it all is fading a little bit. im not worshipping the ground he walks on like i did last night its faded a little bit and im happy about that honestly its relieving to feel less. VERY RELIEVING. cause i mean he doesnt see me like that he lets me compliment him but he doesnt compliment me. his body looks better cause hes been doing cardio. which makes me want to look better too. sean told me to start adding cardio so i am going to. 5 days a week but just a little bit not a lot cause i still want to put on muscle but im only 4 % away from my pre season goal bodyfat so why not try to get lean at the same time. i know i can just because of my metabolism type and how easy it is for me to put on muscle. anyway i mean i do love him but i dont have a LOT of hope for the future. i did especially with last night and this past week. buttt i mean. im starting to not care. i need to focus im behind in school and honestly i want to accomplish these goals with or without him. it would actually make me feel really good to do it without him. cause i dont need him. at all. hes helpful but like...idk. sometimes i ont like his attitude. anyway though so i told em how i felt this morning and his response was actualy really good he said he was so sorry that he didnt know he was being rude but he knows he goes to far sometimes but that communication is key and if theres ever a problem to PLEASE tlak to him so we can work it out insteadof like letting it build up and ending like last night. so yea. problem solved. im still mad at him not mad but like..idk with the pic. i guess the main thing with an fwb is that you have no claim. and they dont want anyone to see you. so i have to treat him the same. no one has to know about him anymore. i will tell people we're just friends. period. thats fine. and i just have to go about my life i reactivated my tender bc this article i read said i needed to try to date other people to keep myself balanced so ill try. i do WANT to like..get better and get stronger and kind of start moving away from him. i think hes tecting me back right now i just got 4 text messages. but anyway yea. i gotta lower my expectations and appreciate it for what it is and not trip over what its not. and focus on me. and let what happens happen but i cant be trippin over that anymore. i am open to the idea of someone better. just dont know em right now. id love someone as passionate as me that actually wanted to wife me up and treat me like a princess. id like that very much and i do think i deserve it. we'll see. Good week. On to anotheer! I have to go to the gym and cook. gunna be up late again tonight. meh lol