Pain is weakness leaving the body

It's really just. time. I want to do it. It's not out of vindictiveness or trying to control. and it's not out of like.. anger. or trying to get him to feel. its for ME. because I am a beautiful sweet loving person and I deserve the same. I deserve to be loved and appreciated and taken care of. All those things I do for other people I don't do for myself. All the nice things I say to them I don't say to myself not as much. Sometimes. My self talk has gotten way more positive. But I dont go out of my way to please myself or earn my own approval. I do things that are bad for me. I'm more protective of my friends and family than I am of myself and while I'm playing watchdog for everyone else I'M getting hurt. I pray for strength but I pray in fear because I know like ...the only way to get strong is to hurt. Strength is NOT the absence of pain. If you get punched 50 times in the face it never stops hurting to get punched in the face. But a weak person might get punched in the face and fall down, or cry. A strong person takes the punch. You do FEEL pain. But you take it. Strength is being functional through pain. Strong men may be able to lift 300 lbs but it isn't just light to them. it still hurts. A weak person cant lift it at all. So basically if I want to be strong I have to embrace pain and do what hurts me or I'll never stop being the girl that gives into temptation all the time and never overcomes addictions. I don't want that anymore. I have to choose do I want my cake or do I want to eat it. Ive been eating the cake for a long time. It's time especially if I want to be a pro I have to start embracing discomfort and pain. And its not jsut with fitness. Its discipline in life. I have to do what hurts. And the thing that will hurt me the most that I want to do least is letting go of Corey. His answer was good. I really thought he shouldve invited me over. BUT. I wouldnt have gone. I dont' want to. I mean...idk. I just...i hear myself and I know if it was a friend I would not like him and I'd want her to do better. It doesnt matter how I feel I can do better and I'm doing worse than settling. settling would be if he even wanted me but he doesnt. I;m invisible to him and I'm sick of it. The more I do, the better I get, the more he SEES me, the more invisible I become. So i am going to do what I've been saying I couldn't what I never thought I would. I'm going to stop talking to him. For however long it takes. I know he's going to try to reach out. I'm going to ignore him. There is a small chance he might be bothered by this and it might break him down and make him feel something. but..i mean after a while he will stop trying. just give up. cause it wont make him feel something he doesnt nothing can do that. i need to be okay though. i dont want to let him go but i want to be better i want peace and wholeness in my heart and i cant do that being friends with benefits with someone i love that i know doesnt love me. knowing that haseaten me alive all these months and its time to take care of myself. as far as him being there for me with competitions and any questions i may have or if i need supplements he will always be there for that. but i mean...the rest...its going to hurt. everyday. i might cry myself to sleep. i might think about him constantly. i WILL miss him i WILL check my phone and if he texts me i WILL be happy but this is for me i dont owe him constant prompt correspondence. i dont owe him anything. he shouldnt let me be without a valentine just like i didnt let him be alone on thanksgiving. he knows all i want is like..a bear. he knows it means something to me. but he jut doesnt think of me. it never crosses his mind oh this would make michelle happy i want michelle to be happy and all i ever think of is him. it's bad for me and i need to stop. i cant put it off anymore its a new year and its flying by and it's not going to slow down i will waste the whole thing on him. i put my best foot forward and gave him everything i had and it didnt compel him to give me anything so nothing ever will. i want to move on. everytime i want to text him and dont i will get stroner. it will eventually stop hurting. but it will bea long time before that happens. it will hurt everytime. but if i keep on, the pain will go away. my weakness will o away and i wont be addicted anymore. i will always ahve him for those things having to do with competitions that i need. but like...nights like this where i need someone to be with me cause its going to freese. alone. valentines day. alone. christmas. alone. my bday. alone. i will always be alone because he will never be there for me. he will never love me. the best thing i can do for myself is whatever it takes to no longer love him. cause my love is amazing and is being wasted on this. it sucks and it feels horrible but im ready to be miserable im ready to cry and hurt ive done it all i can take it. but i want something out of it this time. i want someone who would fight for me and never let me go. this isnt it.