Crappy Day Mentally. I Know I'll Be Okay.

I'm happy I have today and tomorrow off. Honestly I need it. I kinda wanna turn my phone off after the gym Who needs me? No one. I think I might leave it off all day tomorrow I cant see why not. Maybe turn it on occasionally I might see Kim tomorrow which is cool. but yea....i just need...idk good friends right now man people that love me and are positive and know me and think highly of me. I don't wan tto be alone all the time. But I dont have THAT much spare time. this medicine is good I might stay up tonight watching movies and doing physics and reading and trying to catch up. probably do the same tomorrow. And just make sure I get my workouts in for the week. I'll hve to pick a rest day it can actually be Saturday if I want it to. Anyway right now I just feel kind of ugly. And like..not too confident in any way. I wish I had kept my mouth shut and not told him how I felt. Now I know I'll feel much better when I can confidently say he doesnt think I feel that way anymore. I want to take it ALL away. if he tells me he's feeling insecure I'll encourage him. But no more free randy. No more telling him how perfect he is and how good he looks and how well hes going to do. no more sending him funny shit. i did it today but im going to start sending that shit to konrad. a real friend. or dee or cherika or someone else nowadays like right now im feeling like a lack of care for people who dont care about me and im feeling a lot more drawn to people that do. it might take weeks for him to notice but i want him to. i think i'm just going to text him on saturday and be like hey Im just going to go home okay. and if he says okay are you upset? I'll just say No No I'm okay thank you! And then go about my life. he might just say okay. i know hes not looking forward to it who gives a shit lol he probably doesnt even look forward to the physical part. i really dont even know what im going to do about that but i guess ill just pray for help and strength for God to get it off my mind cause I dont want it from him anymore. Theres not a THING Im doing or can do to make myself valuable to him or number one in his life so I am 100% willing to make that sacrifice. If me not going over there anymore and not texting him gets us to the point we barely speak im okay with that. if it makes him forget about me im okay with that. and if it opens the doors for his eyes to wander which they probably already do im okay with that too. I just...dont want to. I want to feel good and make myself feel good and focus on things i need and want to do. I can go see movies by myself or with garrisen if need be or with morgan whatever im sure i can find someone to go see movies with. it cant be him. like..i cant do ANYTHING I cannot contribute ANYTHING t the relationship anymore thats the only way its going to be even and i can feel okay. I mean no wonder why would you be invested in a relationship you pu nothing into. and all i do is put out. i doubt hell notice but its whatever honestly i dont care. he can really do whatever he wants. when i think about it...i dont even think that like..i cant even see myself trying to do things to make him like me because i cant picutre him liking me. i look at pics and we didnt even look good together. it looks weird. i mean like..why would i want to be around someone who doesnt want me? and i dont sleep with my friends. so that has to stop. i dont want to be easy anymore. i'll be there whn he needs me when has he ever needed me though ya know. hes never really asked me for anything. it was all just me going overboard and im ready to stop. i want to forget what he looks like and tastes like and feels like and rebuild my life without him. if i need help i will ask but im not giving anymore. theres nothing left TO give. all i want to do is take back. i cant wait til tomorrow so i can not talk to him all day. i hope he texts me back tonight not cause i want to talk to him but so i can not. and then tomorrow he might text me first. i dont really want aynything to do with him my view of him is changing. the mist has been lifted. hes not..an angel. hes not even a demiGod. Hes just a regular joe. nothing spectacular but anyone to me besides his body. if steve cook wanted to talk to me hed be history. but i mean...idk. yea. i want to like be happier with myself so i gotta work on myself and my work ethic! and i just want to be stronger. like..i said i wouldnt text him first so i need to not text him. i cant wait il tomorrow so i can not talk to him. and then the same on saturday and then not go over there. I cant wait til some time has passed since i was all on his dick so he can feel the lack. not so that he'll miss me. i dont even think i'd believe him if he ever aid he did he has lost his credibility with me. not so that he'll value me cause i know now he never will. i just want him to get the thought out of his head that im in love with him and do everything for him and will always be there and that he has access to me and the push of abutton all day everyday. i want him to know he doesnt. i want to stop texting him when im at school. and when im at work. i dont have to pretend to be busy i AM busy. he's the one thats not. but for six fucking months he has been my NUMBER ONE priority. and without that i can think clearly. these pill work. I can read. I can study. I can do math and figure shit out. thank you God. I just..Hes like a rock thats been holding me down that ive been living under and I havent seen the light of day he scoots off me constantly and i just run back under im tired of chasing a rock. im tired of feeling like im in his shadow. he doesnt even WANT ME. like...its taken me this long. ive wasted a lot of time i thought i could never take my respect and my dignity and my self love back but i can. and i choose that. i want to embrace myself again instead of trying to be white...its always been a thing with me and im over it. i am who i am and i look how i look and i look great and i work hard and i make improvements and he doesnt even notice. he doesnt notice when i do my hair or my makeup looks great. im not allowed to fart but he tallks about farting in front of me. his apt always looks crappy when i go over but he always gave me shit about mine. hes just been so blind and im tired of flaling my hands in front of closed eyes to make him see me he wont open them so its fine. like i cant be anything else i cant take back the past i cant fix it and i dont want to. yesterday...or maybe a week ago if he sent me a text right now saying michelle ive been lying this whole time trying to be strong but i cant anymore i do have feelings for you. i dont want a relationship still but i cant see you hurt telling this lie. i wouldve been so happy. all my problems wouldve been solved. but like..if i saw that shit now i wouldnt even believe it. i cant even write what i wish would happen thinkingi can speak it into existence anymore cause im no longer retarded. i KNOW he doesnt want me, and now that i actually accept that hell i dont want him. i just want to feel better about myself and get my confidence back and like how i look and feel and do what i say im going to do and just strengthen my heart and my mind and my resolve and just love who i am on the inside. part of doing this is taking back what i gave. so he can keep the STUFF. but the valuable things, the contact, the support, the LOVE, the attention. i'm taking it back. and i would love to replace him but i dont know anyone right now so i dont have to. i wont be thirsty going crazy. he is just like bryan. obsessed with himself and lazy and absorbed and like glorifying his meteocre activities and like deavluing things that do matter LIKE ME. okay. be obsessed with yourself. be so overconfident and inconsiderate that you make yourself ugly. i want better for myself i want positive. i want people around me that appreciate me and make me feel good i dont want to put up with crap anymore thinking i need someone that doesnt need me. i said i wouldnt do this but i did and now im undoing it. we can be friends. but not best friends. he hasnt even texted me back tonight. i feel....crappy about the day but like saying how i feel and what im feeling and that it finally doesnt have anything to do with him and that my goals have nothing to do with him..im happy. Suddenly...i feel a weight is lifted. Like the sun has finally come out. Like I can BREATHE. All of a sudden I feel like there are more hours in a day. Like there is more to live for and more time in my life to do it. I feel like...free.