Not that great of a day mentally

So yesterday was pretty good. did most of what i set out to do and felt good. Chris commented on my smart ass vday status about people whining about vday and said are you going to buy yourself candy Michelle and i like heard his voice saying it. so it was funny but also a small slap in the face. but i think my answer was awesome I said no I dont really eat candy Christopher but Im actually going to be at work on Vday making money instead of spending it ;) and he liked it. i thought he might say something back. idk. that of course got me thinking about em cause i forgot me and chris were friends again. and of course we ended up going to the movie theatre we went to for his bday which made me think of him too. cause that was such a fucking great night. i cant even believe we ever were how we were then. fuck. ive gone this long without crying but i shed a couple tears earlier just a few. and now im tearing up. i guess cause tonight will be 4 days weve gone without talking and the longest weve ever gone is 2. but it was all because of me. hes never come back. hes never initiated anything. its always been me and i guess thats the realization that hurts so much. everything i thought was going on was a lie. and it just dwindled into nothing. like...i mean you couldnt even SAY ANYTHING TO ME? you have nothing to fucking say? this nigga is scott free lovin life and as far as anyone knows so am i. i guess for the most part i am but honestly like..ok this morning was what set it off. yesterday was hard i went to bed thinking about em and had a dream he told me he hated me so i woke up in a bad mood thinking about him and I was like God please lets not go back to this. and then like last night i reposted this image from pam that made me think of him but i mean..whatever. so like..it was an elephant giving another elephant flowers and it said some people won't love you no matter what you do and some people wont stop loving you no matter what you do. go where the love is! so yea then i posted a pic that was like robert dinero about not biting the hand that feeds me cause i feed myself and i figured he liked that one and i was just gunna be like what an asshole and move on though. but then like i looked and he had liked the elephant one. and at first i was like maybe there is hope because i was thinking maybe hes starting to appreciate how i was there for him no matter what he did. but then for some reason it switched and i realized he was just being an asshole. doing the same shit he always does like im glad you finally realize it you can do better REALLY ASSHOLE. that shit left a bad taste in my mouth and i had a text typed up angry but i didnt send it. by the time i got home tonight though i was once again upset. in the middle of this my computer had to reset and i cried in between praying to God to continue to help me let go. like in the final stages. i guess i always hold onto some kind of hope that he will change his mind. but when i truly accept that he doesnt like me i will be free. pretty much only then. i guess this whole time thats what i didnt want to accept thats what freaking hurts like a bitch. tonight at like 953 i texted em. i guess i was just so angry. and in my mind i was like no dont text em cause what if it wasnt what he meant youre goin to ruin it again well his affections were always too fragile look at all the shit hes said t me look at all his flaws and he never "ruined it" with me. the slightest thing turns him off ccaue he doesnt fucking care about me and he doesnt like my ass. so like fuck it. who cares what he thinks. he can tell me im overreacting or what the fuck ever but at least maybe hell understand that i want him to stay the fuck away from me even on social networking sites. its not like i can ruin his day hes been having a blast without me im the one who gets days ruined and shit. but it did show me im not THERE yet. im not over him. im not 100% conscious. im not invincible. apparently he can still ruin ym day. i got through it and managed to be in a decent mood the majority of the time despite a very irritating day and not all the sleep i needed. so i can fucntion. and i didnt really talk about how i was feeling. but yea. sigh. let me go ahead and read this shit. God will have my back if he hurts me like he always does. ill be okay. this mofo said im sorry i didnt mean it like that i just liked the pic. God........i cant wait til the day this goes away. this boy just rips my motherfucking heart out. excuse my language. it is so sad. really. so sad. 5 months later i still....after EVERYTHING hes done. i know i could find a way to get over it ALL. all i really ever wanted to do was fix it. talk about everything. every freaking thing. and find out that he too believes that he made a mistake. just hear those motherfucking words i have been longing to hear since...who knows how long. just im sorry. i regret what ive done and I WANT TO FIX IT. thats it. omg. id be the happiest girl in the world. the thing is the pain is not ...its just... the thought of the pleasure i got when we were good. the thought of the good times. when we used to laugh. when we were free. when i was me and ...idk i guess he wasnt him. its like it was a dream and im waking up and i just want to go back to sleep so i can relive it and have it back but i never will and i feel like my heart will never be unbroken. and i cant express it. i cant speak of it. i cant...get any help. there is no help. i just have to accept and i thought i had but between talking to chris and this morning like this has just reopened the fucking wound. the thing about him havin the power to hurt me so much is that he could also make me so happy. but i dont want it if its not real. cant make him feel something he doesnt i just wish he wouldnt have pretended cause since day one i have believed in an us that apparently never existed. i mean he basically just confirmed that he never liked me. and hes not going to care that im fucking furious with him he just doesnt want to deal with it. he doesnt want forgiveness he doesnt want ME. and i still want him. SO FUCKING BAD. i just want this shit to work out. i can still reach my goals but man..love is better than anything i will ever accomplish. and its all i really truly want because its just the best thing in the world people dont get that. im not wrong. it really is.