Tested Em...He really is over me

So last night I told em I had a date. Cause i was SURE that would bring out some emotion. nope. he was happy for me. then today I realized i am Garrisen. and this IS my karma. and I dont want to be there for him when hes with someone else. i guess idk. idk whats gunna happen but we talked about it ill include the convo here.
me: ugh i dont think im gunna go
him: why?
me: i think itd be for the wrong reasons. i dont want to date right now. as mich as i wish i could just get over things like you im not that strong. i dont want to screw somebody else cause of my weakness. and like being "out" with somebody else is going to make me wish i was with you. i did think youd let me. if you told me you were going on a date id say i was happy for you but id be lying. so it ended up making me sad not happy. idk. thought i was doing what i was supposed to. but im not dustyn there is no void to fill. im not looking for "the one." and i cant bounce around like that. im just gunna chill and do me. i dont want anybody else. idc how attractive he is i dont need him....i feel like if i dont want a relationship or anything with someone or anybody then i shouldnt be dating just to take up space. whats the point of that. im sorry. i k ow you probably want me to go and find someone else so you dont have to worry about me. but you still dont have to i promise. im ok. in all honesty. i feel like this is my karma for Garrisen. and youre going to have to kind of cut me loose like i did him for YOUR peace of mind. and theres nothing i want more than for you to be happy and stress free. so i have to be honest and give you a choice.
him:you dont have to be with somebody. yea its nice but doing it just cause youre lonely..just makes things worse and never works out in the end. idk thats just how i feel. youre fucking badass and we both know stron enough to do it on your own. then again its what makes you happy. and i wont judge you for it. everybody is inclined to do whatever they want. i want you to be happy. also i want to stay friends with you. you were right about that, we shouldnt cut eachother out completely.
me: yea thats not me im not lonely. i missYOU. and i mean all this time i was so worried about a damn title that i didnt appreciate you when you had feelings for me. now that you dont. its taking some adjusting. i just dont want to end up like him. Never moving on. I cant be by your side all the time and then just take a step back and let you be with somebody else. hopefully ill be okay by then. but like i cant do that. and im scared thats whats going to happen. i dont know what im supposed to do. im not unhappy. i love hanging out with you and talking to you and things are how i always wanted i just like..cant  seem to get over you and see you as just a friend cause i like you so much. but i mean when i think about throwing everything away because of that i feel like im doing what i did in the past and just not a[ppreciating what i have..so idk. i dont want to change anything. i just dont want to make you uncomfortable cause i mean you know how i feel. but i dont want what i used to want. i want you to be happy. i just like..the shit sucks a little bit. but you really are my best friend. we have so much fun. and i never have to miss you cause youre always there i couldnt say that before. this is the first time in months weve both been happy. i guess i just wanted to be honest and not feel like i was...idk trying to put on an act. i still want to marry you and have your babies lol but i mean....its not the end of the world. having you in my life is all good. i see good things ahead for us. and it doesnt hurt that i still get to kiss those delicious lips and have your big sexy body on top of me who am i to complain LOL feelings or no feelings. everything is good i think were good. i dont want to chang anything. i just wanted to be honest with you from now oon. cause i owe it to you and i want us both to always be honest. and you know what i am strong n0ow. because of you. ive gotten nothing but better because of you. i think differently now im so focused and motivated and like..unphased. and im excited. about everything.
Him: as long as youre happy then things will be okay. i like  being your friend :) lol i'll always be honest with you.


you see how he doesnt really like address the issue. he never comments on how he has no feelings for me. he never says he does. doesnt say he doesnt but he doesnt have to i already say it and he never corrects me anymore. so like..i mean i didnt expect him to be happy for me. i cried really hard this morning. but when i realized i was garrisen i knew what i had to do was give him the choice and tlel him the truth. i mean idk maybe im crazy. obviously im not ready to not have him in my life anymore. its so crazy now i really wish he had feelings for me and that we were exclusive. thats like...security right there. but when i had those things i wasnt happy because i didnt have like..trust and consistency which is what i have now. so i mean im just going to be happy with that. idk as the season goes on im going to be working on myself. and worrying less about him i'll make that my goal since hes going to be there either way. im so scared really just that hes going to move on. find some hot figure chick at a show and they'll hit it off and yea... just...crap. thats my biggest fear. him moving on. and that would be the worst heart break i've experienced YET. (he hasnt texted me back since 630 by the way and its 1019 so i just sent em a goodnight text telling him he was taking too long.) but anyway my goal is to be okay by then. i mean when we go to the shows i dont want to be the meteocre chick hes introducing to people. i want to be a BAD BITCH. like I want people to be fascinated by me and talking to me. I want to stand out because of my amazingness. i dont want to be worried about him or whos looking at him because i want to be the one getting looked at. i want to be confident and making friends and just..rockin it. this past show that is not what happened. i was insecure and i wouldve been miserable without him but this time its about me. i want to be confident in myself. i mean now im confident and like i kno what i have to offer. but like...i still have some work to do to get comfortable in my own skin. i mean ..yea. i have to. its time for me to really realize like hes here to stay he doesnt want to lose me whether or not he has feelings for me at the current time or whatever it doesn't matter. hes here i dont have to worry about it.hes not going anywhere to meet anyone hes focused on his prep and the girl he chooses to talk to and be with is me. even if i am just his best friend. i get to be with him and kiss him and cuddle and have sex and talk and laugh and just...its good. i can look away. honestly like you don't have to talk to your best friend everyday. if theres no hope of like..fostering anything right now then theres no point and also i dont have to to keep it going,. if i want to i can see him every weekend and if i don't then yea. but like...i mean i have poured my heart out (n a reasonable manner), he knows i still have feelings for him, i tell him when im feeling weak, and he doesnt care hes just there for me. regardless of where we stand the issues we had before "in our relationship" are fixing themselves. our communication is getting much much better. our trust is building. both our guards are completely down and for once in the entire time we are both happy. i am im enojoying this. i have a good feeling about the future. that i mean..we are going to compete together and that if i let my emotions go this could be really fun. the only thing that complicates things AS USUAL is the physical component. but i REALLY dont want that to go away and i hope it doesnt. its ALL initiated by him. i havent....idk if ive ever kissed him first. but yea. i mean. i could list differences between garrisen to me and me to corey. but like...why. i need to be worrying about me. for once the thing i care about most doesnt need constant supervision to stay in tact. its actually doing well on its own! which is CRAZY! but Im happy. I mean. its good. what can i say. for once. i can sit back and relax. were going to see devils due on saturday. he agreed..a few days ago. maybe 2. today i was like " so i work 9 to 7 on saturday then im going to come over and were going to watch devils due and then were going to spend some quality best friend time" and he said sounds good to me. then i told him to get dress and do his hair and put on his makeup so he could be presentable so we could retake the pic lol...called him a princess. haha i hope he didnt get toooo mad cause he hasnt said anything since -__- hopefully he knows i was jsut playing,i wont talk to him like that if he doesnt want me to.i wouldnt really want him talking to me like that. anyway. but yea. i want to be...so happy with myself anf proud of myself. i keep telling myself first place ad overall. i mean. i have to start making decisions like i wanna go pro and taking myself seriously cause time is the biggest advantage i have now but only if i use it. i think also when i go over there im going to ask him to get me some anavar. and get this show on the ROAD. i want to win. first place. AND overall. i sent in the request for my suit. she wont start on it til way later but we agreed on 800 and its going to be badass im excited. i mean. i have like a personal journey right now. making myself go to school. and getting stuff done. like doing work making sure i understand everything. and just...living fitness. getting my workouts and my meals in. conquering cravings. practicing my posing. seeing results. i dont want him being the only one getting fine. i want to be amazing too. i want him to NOTICE me. but most of all i want to be proud of myself. i want to be 100% confident and know that like hen we go to the shows im looking good as hell too and people will be looking at me too and i can be lookign at hot physique guys not just him. this though...as far as he goes this is the path really like i might get to do all the things that meant so much to me, like meet his family. get to take pics. do stuff with him. be the one he turns to thats there during his prep and everything else. the one that knows everything about him. my hearts been hurting lately. literally. anyway. but yea and its happening lik on its own. hes letting me in. who knows where itll lead. but for now like...im gunna go with the flow. now i can focus on other stuff. obviously though i am looking forward to saturday, i can see us building so many memories and being so happy. who cares if were not together and if hes emotionally unavaulable right now. this is a good time for us, i just want to accept it and enjooy iyt. But God i have my own goals and battles right now I really need you to help me with school. to get caught up and go to freaking class. its just like..one more semester. the last full one i'll have and to graduate with this degree will be so worth it please help me. in Jesus name amen and thank you for everything


...just read some really good articles. i dont want to get my hopes up. but there definitely is hope.