Even better day- More epiphanies

Today was better than yesterday. I ate more so I didnt get so tired at work. I got more done and I got a great call from Kelly and some encouraging positive feedback. My goal was to stick to my diet today fully and I did! Didn't get lunch, didn't get a sweet tea. And it wasn't really an issue either. Got into it with Daniel so I probably threw away $70 and won't be getting my clen. Cause he's an ass and I don't want to see him. Sure could use my money back though. And I really could use my period. I spent the $400 i had in paypal on a tv so...I'm just going to keep praying and have faith but I probably won't take another test til next week which will be an awesome paycheck. then if its positive :( I will make the apt to go get my ultrasound. and then schedule the surgery for like 3 or 4 weeks after that so I'll have time to save up. I don't want to tell Sandra. I might. definitely won't tell him. which sucks. cause i'd love to have him with me but i know he'd be mad and it would cause too many problems. i have to just be real and know like...i was kind of careless. I just have to pray that God will bail me out and respect that by in the future being careful PERIOD. just the only time I remember my period being this late was that time. Oh and one time it was 10 days late not sure why. I think cause I was overtraining and starving lol Anyway everyday I'm getting more excited and focused on my goals. Im getting really excited and enjoying lifting. Im also getting really strong. Well not getting...Im starting out strong. K Im being impulsive. Just bought a comforter set for $50 on ebay but it's gorgeous and has free shipping. mine is shitty. I'd like to get some nice sheets I wonder if it comes with sheets I don't think it does. I dont really care about sheets though lol I dont sleep in them! But anyway yea I'm obsessed with making over this apartment and me. I also need to clean out my damn car and let that be nice and very me too. I'm motivated to make some really awesome positive changes inside and outside in the next month. For myself. and also so when he sees me there will be a noticeable difference in my confidence, dimeanor, and so I'll be smoking hot haha It's going to be hard cause I'm going to miss him but if I focus on everyday and all the other goals I have it'll go by fast. it usually takes him longer to miss me i miss him after a few days but usually he'll start to miss me after like a week. but i mean he hasnt just come out randomly and said he missed me in...man idk how long. i remember the first time he did.. i was like look at you coming around! When I'm me...and he's him...and we're not afraid of eachother..it's a beautiful thing. it's starting to get back to where we may not talk as much but its like when we do its positive. smiley faces. hope youre having a good day type stuff. and i can feel like the flirtiness coming back which is great. i want to go back to when it was free and fun and not so serious. i miss that. and i bet he's just plain forgotten how awesome we were and how much fun we had. i feel like we can actually have a second chance especially with all the changes im making. i realized today if it's not meant to be i have to let him go. and i want to be strong enough to do whats right. like if im doing my best, not pressuring him, and he still chooses to treat me bad, i want to be able to just talk to him and say hey could you not do that. and just be honest, not aggressive and hopefully he'll be willing to improve. i expect him to treat me with respect. but that's all. i know i can't rely on him and should really just believe it when i see it. also, for the time being i should let him initiate pretty much everything. though im going to have to turn him down a lot before we actually see each other. just like...2 more weeks or so. like 3 weeks before valentines day. but anyway yea but that way i'll know what he wants and i won't get let down. i mean he used to ask me on dates etc. i hope he gets a job soon. he'd feel much better if he did. and then we'd be able to do stuff and he wouldn't feel so bad. but yea. now that my head is on straight, im not 100% like all good all systems go, but im doing much better and seeing much clearer and being more present and real. and now that my eyes aren't blinded by my emotion...I really do like. i choose him. above all I want what God wants for me, God's will comes first. and if I could see his plan mapped out maybe my inclination might be different. i wish my instincts or what i was drawn to was a clue to that but i know its just how i feel and though i cant help it it is no way indicative of reality nor is it a reference point for the future. all i know is what hasnt changed is that my spirit is attracted to his. i really like who he is as a person. i dont care about his flaws. his opinions. or what he has to offer materialistically. i know hes immature but i also see so much potential. gah he'd be a great husband and a great father. i want to be with him through this whole journey and i still pray we grow together instead of apart. from the day he came over i just had a feeling we wouldn't be apart anymore. that we were going to be close and a part of eachothers lives. and i pray im right but i dont know. i dont know how he feels though i know he still feels slight possession of me and still considers us kind of in a relationship and wants me in his life no matter what, i dont know how far it would go but this time im just going to let it. and just stay awake. i cant go to sleep on life and just dream. i have to stay present and in reality and just take it how it comes without trying to guide it or force it in anyway. what i want doesnt matter its trying to stay as close as possible to Gods plan and where he wants me and enjoy my blessings as long as they last. but in my heart i do want him. i hope we stick together and grow together and i want us to be good to eachother and there for eachother. if i could choose i'd choose him. if my opinion matters at all. if he never changes his mind and doesnt want to have kids. that might be a problem. but im thinking he'll grow out of that. it would just..be a long time. but yea, im excited for the possibility to get to start over on the journey we were on...this time with a map. i feel like its one of those situations where youd say "if only i knew then wha i know now" but ..i do know what i know now. i cant erase the past but i can be different from here on out. stay awake and make good decisions. and if me treating him how id want to be treated, not going overboard, letting him call the shots, and just going with the flow. if i give the flame air and it doesnt come back and he doesnt fall for me and i dont fall for him then it wasnt meant to be but with my logical mind i can see us falling for eachother. and if that happens i know things will change for the better and keep improving. i dont really care about facebook or what other people think i just want us to be positive additions to eachothers lives. i was wrong to make him the whole purpose of my life but i do think as an addition he compliments it. and i'd like to see where that goes. i know he is unaware of whats going on and honestly theres nothing going on i dont have a plan i have hope for a possible outcome but really im just trying to do what is best for me and i know THAT will be good for us. i dont care about a relationship in the aspect that i did before. idk. idk how to explain it. i just want to have no regrets. i want a fresh start and to see where it will go on its own. i want to be strong enough to walk away if hes no longer a positive influence on my life but if that happens i want to know it had nothing to do with me. where we are now is my fault. and i accept it i forgive myself but i also believe time can heal it. its not too late. i still have him. but it felt so good to have  good day and write this knowing it wouldnt all be about him. that i can enjoy my day and not be tormented by my thoughts. im starting to see them as just thoughts and not so important. and when i have a mood swing thats all it is. and it goes away. im relearning how to use my mind instead of letting it use me. its also just...i feel positive about us and i see that we still have eachother. and i dont expect anything im trying not to. but i have faith in what will be. i remember how we were. we couldnt even kiss because we were so bashful and i miss that. and though i know i still feel the same when he kisses me i still adore everything about him. i know i may not if he had pressured me the way i did him ..and if i was normal haha. but anyway i miss when we used to just watch tv and i wasnt thinking about anything. when i just enjoyed it and had faith. when i trusted him. but i didnt need him. i was confident that i was the shit and that hed know that. and there was a time when he was addicted to me too he told me he didnt think he could just not talk to me. i know that tiny ember is still there and with a little air i think it could spark back up and this time i know not to throw the blanket over it. not to get obsessed. if i had just had faith in God and just...my favor in his eyes and the blessing that was happening and just let it be free it might be more than what it is now. but i do think there is something to be said about the fact that we're still where we are and we've seen the ugliest sides of eachother and still want eachother. i now see that time is what we need and i'm okay with it. i have faith. and it feels good. i mean...we're farther apart now than we have been in a long time, we talk less...but i just...i have faith. that this will be good. that if i give it time both of us will forget the bad that we've seen and accept that the past is the past and the good in both of us will reemerge. now we know what the other one doesnt like so we can not do it but theres so much we dont know about eachother thats still left to learn. id love to go back to dating. the excitement of it all. i'd love for him to come over here sometimes. and sometimes i can go over there. id love for us to do stuff. and talk about a lot of things. just whatever comes to mind. im really excited to see where this is going to go. and i know that if it doesnt work out i will be okay. no matter what my future is bright and im excited for that with or without him. i think though that i might have to choose between spring break trip and competing and i will choose competing. i want to be serious about it now. i found something that drives me, something i enjoy and i want to take it to the next level. but yea. so today was good. being honest paid off. i tried to gossip less. didnt stop completely but im working on it.a nd im feeling better about myself making the effort to be a better person. it feels good to be awake and living RIGHT NOW and realize that right now i dont need anything or want anything that i dont have and no matter what everything is going to be okay. i have faith. thank you God for restoring my faith it is the most important thing. i see now that faith is the key to patience and lack of stress. he hasnt texted me back yet but i have faith that he will. may not be tonight or in the morning but eventually he will. and whether we talk every five seconds or every five hours it doesnt change where we are. if he told me he was still with me and that he still had feelings for me and didnt want me with anyone else on wednesday night, then tomorrow on monday morning that won't have changed. there is just no need to go through life worrying all the time and i dont want to anymore. everything i worry about...it doesnt define me. no matter what i will be okay. so there just...isnt a need. and im not worried about anything anymore. i feel....joy. for the first time in.....i cant even remember. and its just...awesome. thank you God. my spirit is happy. i can feel it for once. i feel free. im excited to learn. so nice to have empty pages in an open book instead of a closed book full of crap that repels anything new in a world full of information and experience that its never had. i am happy and feel blessed to have someone like him in my life that is full of knowledge about something i am very interested in. now that i dont have to "know it all" all the time and appear smart to people i can ask questions and learn. have options on what to take as truth instead of being stuck to one thing. i can learn from people with more experience and actually grow. not having to be perfect is liberating. he loves giving advice and im willing to hear it. i dont think he will think less of me or necessarily be judging me or think im weak and so what if i dont know something or would like to have different options i can ask him. he can help me learn about the proper mindset for competing. the proper training for certain goals. the proper nutrition for certain goals. help me with motivation. i can learn a lot about professionalism and procedure and being better at my job by constructive criticism and advice from my superiors. i could learn a lot about business from my dad. and just general life stuff from sandra. relationship advice from people like jen who have been there and have a successful relationship. advice on how to manage add from people like dustyn. theres a lot of benefit to be learned once i realize now that i do..all the opportunities around me. instead of feeling like a brick i feel like a sponge ready to absorb. and i know that this isnt a mood. this is reality. this is the joy that was always inside me. happy with what i have but excited for the new. embracing change. i have so much faith in Gods plan i look forward to what he has in store for me and i know there are challenges ahead and i believe he will help me conquer them. i just have to pray every single day about every single thing and just breathe and fight hard to stay awake. because when you sleep through life it seems like a nightmare but its not. theres so many things to experience. why not welcome it all. appreciate consistency when its there not embrace change and new experiences having faith that they will have a positive effect on you in the long run. and im really really excited for the results i'll see with my goals. i cant wait for the next 3 weeks, and i know that when we meet again it will be just as exciting as our first date. i got so caught up in my experience i robbed him of his and now he will get to be excited to see me. i dont know for sure that he will come over here but once its clean and has a tv and is decorated and more homey i'm sure he will be willing. i also want to get a blender. blending breakfast would be easier for me if im running late. ive been putting my water in a cup with a straw and drinking more of it. i might just be manic right now. but it's okay. i will continue to practice being present when i wake up tomorrow. and i'll always have access to the joy inside if i just...give it a chance and stay awake.