AWESOME DAY - feels so good to be awake

It really took me toward the end of the day to realize I hadnt really thought about him. I mean...at all. Didnt once wonder what he was doing or try to guess when he'd text me. or what he was doing instead of think of..just thinking a lot. there really wasnt any of that. i talked to aeric about deep shit this morning and how i want to change. it feels good to tell the truth. i did lie once. said i did something i actually just wish i wouldve done in a situation that happened. working on it. but yea it feels good to confess and plan to change. truly. and dustyn worked. i wasnt as mad at her once she got there. ive talked about it so much. theres really no harm. i can let it go. i just want everyone to be at peace in the store. Man, i dont even have a lot to write. im going to watch netflix for a bit. ive had gas and poopoo today but i think its cause of what i ate. i really did think i felt cramps. cause it was like lower down in the ovarian area. but it couldve been gas cause i was farting. but idk. like i feel something right now but im also farting lol lower back hurts too. im really just praying for this freaking period. im in such crazy pain from my chest ab and shoulder workout on sunday that i didnt do legs yesterday. i will today. man it hurts i didnt even wear a bra at work lol but yea i feel awesome i just feel....chill but not too chill. i feel active and ready to do stuff but like..i just felt peaceful all day. trying not to gossip and complain is helping too. its dwindling down. ive told everyone my goal so they know im trying. im happy. i mean this is the first day since..man at least 2 full months that i could say i HONEST TO GOD didnt really think about him today. SOMETHING VERY WEIRD IS GOING ON WITH MY TOILET I CAN HEAR IT. DUB TEE EFF. .. ok it appears to have stopped. that was loud lol anyway im too lazy tto get up and look. but yea so....yea things are good. yday i was bad at myself for texting him. it was a response but still. told em i was putting my tv stand together and then i wasnt able to so i told em i needed help and i just knew he wasnt going to. i remember thinking to myself back in the day he wouldve been like of course i will. but he was like you cant figure it out? i thought you were a big girl with a smiley face lol and i was like i cant i need help! and then i was just honest. i said will you please come help me do it. not today im busy but im going to need you to help me with my tv too to get it onto there. and i want you to see my apartment when its done so will you come? pretty please. and i said id cook him dinner and he could eat it on the table in a chair lol and he said "i'll come of course" and it made me feel good. i know he still cares about me. yday i even thought he might be a little protective of me if i told him how daniel was being about the clen that he might be pissed that he basically stole my money but he didnt he was just taking forever so it might come back to bite me. i can deal. no need to be THAT girl. anyway yea. this morning i think..or last night idk i didnt respond to that. i ended up going to sleep fairly early. well i tried. didnt actually get to sleep i dont think til like...11. idk im positive im manic though cause i keep buying shit. and the other day i got up at 330 to pee and didnt get back to sleep til 6. the same night i was all excited about life. but anyway yea. today was just....great. i mean. i didnt really think abou anything. just worked. did shipment. time FLEW. it was really great. i cannot tell you how long its been since i didnt have to try so hard to be happy or at peace or "get through the day." i pray this lasts but im thankful for today and to know it is possible. thank you God. so much. i didnt even realize it until the end of the day. but yea i woke up thi nking it would be hard to like...go without talking to him because i guess i thought man we could just...not talk anymore. ya know. or that id be thinking about it all day but it was actually really awesome. im starting to feel lighthearted and free like i did before but better. this time ive learned and experienced and i am definitely..i feel good. at one point i think this morning i took a pic and posted it because i was wearing lipstick. and he liked it. totally didnt expect it but it still makes me feel so good that he ...man i want a nap. anyway yea it makes me feel good when he likes my stuff. who knows he could be liking everybodys stuff. i dont think so. but yea i like it when he likes my stuff. and its usually a sign that hes starting to trust me more and be back on team me lol anyway that gave me the little bit of reassurance that i needed. from then on i really just didnt think about it. i havent even considered texting him or wanted to which was awesome. i did want to show him all the toilet paper and paper towels i got from sams but i didnt. even thought ooo maybe ill give him some. but i wont. this is a good start because i really want to just..tell him less. let em ask. let em wonder. ya know? instead of having to run around telling the world about my life ya know. but yea. idk how long us not really talking will go on or the effect it will have. he can talk to me whenever he wants all he has to do is text me. until then, im good and im so happy about that. we dont have a date for when hes going to come i said eventually but at least he said yes. he hasnt been over here since september. and he has been acting like he's too good so it was nice to see him say of course like he used to. it really does feel good to know he cares about me. ya know i could sit here and worry. and be scared. oh what if we dont talk what if he likes it better that way what if he finds someone else but theres no need. i dont know what will happen over the next 3 weeks. things change so much. i dont know how long it will take for him to say he misses me or if he will at all. all i know is time apart and time without talking is going to blur the memories of who he thinks i am and who ive thought he was. to maybe clear the pages and allow room for a new story to be told whether it's ours or us and other peoples. i know that there was no hope of things getting better from where we stood. so im walking away. doing some other things. getting my head together. and idk what hes doing. probably same thing he always is. i didnt know if i could do this. in the past i would definitely have said no. man i have a lot of gas. i just let out a really gross one. cant smell it though haha yet. maybe its caught in the blanket haha wow this is fucking nasty if someone were to read this that would be hilarious. anyway yea. i dont think we'll talk today. maybe not tomorrow. tomorrow will have been 1 week since we've seen eachother though. to me that is kind of like the starting point. like how you dont really start burning fat during cardio til after 20 minutes. after a week is when the results will start to sink in. we've tapped into something now its time to dig deeper. well actually im not doing anything. just walking forward. instead of burning fat im burning tension, resentment, old memories. in hopes that in a few weeks.. 2 to be exact. i know i will be so much stronger. and like i said idk the deal with him. but i know his feelings for me wont completely go away. but the damage done will heal up a little bit and it will continue to heal even with contact as long as it is positive and reassuring. when he was coming over here all the time we were happy. things were good. maybe him coming back over here will stur up something. and ill have the chance to be how you should be in the beginning. cautious. slow. courteous. not possessive. patient. k these definitely feel like cramps. well. no i think this is gas. UGH I NEED MY PERIOD. anyyyywaayy a.d.d. but yea. things are looking up. regardless i mean in 3 weeks of distance, if things dont really pan out, i'll still be okay because i'll be stronger, back used to being by myself, more aware and conscious every day. yea i definitely think im going to take a nap. anyway so this is my hope. i can see us going like 3 days without talking. regardless im not initiating. period. he'll have to do it. i have faith that things are going to keep getting better. it's a new year. and i feel very new. and improved. i gotta lay down. but today was really really really reassuring. and it had nothing to do with him :)