Big Step Backwards- But Hey

Maybe it's just a reset to get me going in the right direct. I have to be honest. I did have ulterior motives. I still haven't faced the fact that the reality is me and him aren't meant to be. i mean come on. if we were, yea no. i can't even see it. its hard for me to picture the future without him now but i mean to picture it going somehwere because of him is so hard too. he hasnt done anything nice for me since september. it's been work work work me trying to make it work and like compromising. its not okay. i mean the other night morgan was telling me there was a guy and she thinks theyre as moody as we are and hes 35 when will he grow up. says he just wants a friend but he gets mad if she works out with other guys and was like duh thats more than a friend and i saw myself so i told her its more of a hes not that into thing cause every guy will act right for the right girl. and he may like you but not enough to make you his gf and thats what you deserve. and yet here i am. trying to protect her but i wont do the same for myself. i may think he is the most attractive person in the world and he may be the best kisser and know what i like physically and back in the day he may have done nice things for me and been a gentleman but THESE DAYS (meaning every single day since october 1st except the weekend of my show) he's over me. he just keeps me around and i dont know why but i dont think its because he still has feelings for me, im just whats there. he told me the reason i was there the reason we still talk...everything was because of me. and he was right. the day i didnt text him we just didnt talk. and we havent seen eachother in a week he hasnt said i miss you or anything. today i texted him...idk because we didnt talk yday i just...its harder for me to let it fall apart then i thought it would be but i think by the end of the night its just going to be over and ill have sandra help me put that thing together. and ill have a big ol 42 inch tv for basically no reason cause i was fine with my bedroom tv and i basically bought that one to impress him. which i shouldnt be because he never had any right to talk about my apartment and shouldnt be always judging me. i gotta stop doing that. because the reality is im most likely pregnant right now and that's money i now dont have to spend on an abortion. another thing i have to go through all by myself. cant tell him about it cause hell get mad and he cant even split the bill with me cause he doesnt fucking work and lives off everyone else. but my period is almost 2 weeks late from my app 3 weeks if we're going off birth control. and that just sucks. just had a challenge and my dumbass is back in debt spending frivolously. sigh. the reason why im pissed right now and have been dragged back into unconsciousness is because earlier we were texting, had a pretty generic but good convo going. and then i asked em if he had seen any of the movies we wanted to see. i mean this situation with him sucks cause he was my movie going partner and there are a lot i want to see. guess i can go by myself. but yea so he said no in a longer text but essentially the answer was no with a slanty face so i was like cool when you come help me with my tv shit we can go to a movie! if you want to and that was at 530.it is not motherfucking 1130. i should be at the gym but i left and went home because i decided to write a note and get myself worked up before and then i was out of the mood. first time in a while ive done that and it made me realize this isnt right. i dont need this i wont reach my goals this way. i mean if he was at his best and really cared about me theres nothing i would put before him. but if i have to choose between how he really is and reaching my goals i have to choose my goals cause he does nothing for me. if i have a bad day i cant rely on him to make it better. i dont talk to him about anything that bothers me anymore because i dont think he cares and i dont judge him to be available or not to judge me. i was talking about him at work like were still together little do they know we barely fucking speak. and things are getting worse not better. i mean we havent had a fight but theres no progress. he still doesnt say anything nice never compliments me he encourages me but he doesnt compliment me. he doesnt show any affection whatsoever a week goes by he still doesnt miss me. he was right. it was all me. and without me it falls apart and honestly its time to let it. not while hoping it falls back together. not just so it will. like literally. let it go. and i have no backup plan and i dont want one. im going to be completely alone but i dont care. i gotta have common sense and some respect for myself and know that no matter what i did we wouldnt be where we are if this was ever meant to be or if he ever had strong feelings for me. like if he doest love me by now he never will. its hard and its depressing but fuck like...its going to save me money trying to get this apartment ready just so it will be good enough for him to fucking come visit he hasnt been over here since september. and its really like...theres more for me to forget than him. he was pressured and no he didnt get to feel what i felt but i was the one that got hurt i got my consquences. he hasnt had any. he hasnt lost or felt pain ever because of me. so i mean im the one that has a lot to forget and forgive and the reality is he is very immature and a few weeks wont change that. im not that girl for him. and i dont want to be around or ever see the girl that is. i pray i move on first but whatever. i probably need to plan to do a different show cause yea. i could do a smaller show i dont want to be where he is and plan this whole thing around him. hes not even with me he doesnt see us as a team his life has gone on and without me he doesnt even NOTICE. i mean yday when i just didnt text him we just didnt fucking talk. like NIGGA DO YOU EVER THINK BOUT ME? shit. i keep checking this phone and its blank every time. i had a text drawn up...what i normally do,,,passive aggressive. but instead i just formed a simple question i said are you really busy nowadays or do you just not care to talk to me. you can tell the truth i wont cry. < and thats the truth. i wont. i know we're booth sick of having these conversations but damn no matter what i did you can text me back. if he cared about me like he says he does he would. point blank period. i know theres games on but he was about to workout before i sent that. theres NO WAY he hasnt checked his phone since 530 and it didnt die. there is a chance something happened and i pray it didnt. but the more likely chance is that hes just being a motherfucking dick and im just like man how much of this do i have to take how worth it could it really be. if i liked him less i wouldnt be dealing with this. i really need to just chock it up as a loss cause thats what it is. you cant win em all and this is a big fat L. really it is. but i will never be happy or at peace if i dont let him go. with every bone in my body every piece of my heart and soul down to my very essence i need to let this go cause it is no longer positively contributing to my life and if i am to live in the present i have to look around and realize HE ISNT HERE. HES NEVER HERE. man. im funny. im smart. im consistent i dont have a bunch of crazy shit going on. i dont have any kids or baby daddy drama no ex drama no crazy self esteem issues. nothing bad happens to him because of me AT ALL. im such a freaking good person and im a good friend and an excellent gf. whoever gets me gets the fucking WORLD cause i will move mountains for anyone who has my heart. THERE IS NOTHING MORE IN THIS WORLD THAT I CAN DO BUT BE ME AND I AM SO SICK OF FEELING UNAWESOME BECAUSE I FUCK WITH THESE YOUNG MOTHERFUCKERS WHO ARE ONLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GENERALLY UNIMPRESSIVE AND REPULSED BY THE TRULY IMPRESSIVE THINGS THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING MATTER NOBODY IN THIS WORLD IS EVER GOING TO TELL ME IM NOT AWESOME IF NOT BASED ON PERSONALITY ALONE. I mean really. really really i am so so tired of trying to make this mofo value me he values all the wrong damn things. its ridiculous. ive defended him. ive made excises for him. ive blamed myself. but the truth is HES JUST NOT THAT INTO ME. its the fact i knew in my heart but didnt want to accept. im tired tired tired of all this. the only thing i can do for myself is learn from this. learn that i want someone who wants me. i want to fall in love with someone thats falling for me at the same time and i want it to be unconditional. i want someone who thinks IM perfect. i want loyal and dedicated like me that will drive 45 minutes in rain or snow to see me. that cant go a day without thinking about me and wants to talk to me. that always texts me back. that wants to spend his time with me wants to introduce me to his friends and his parents and show me off. that thinks im the freaking one. im sick of it always being me. hes just not that into you has been the story of my life honestly with every freaking guy. ya know, right now. its not a thrilling time on the relationship aspect. i have no one. not one prospect. theres no one i want to lean on. no one i want to talk to. i have no help. i have to do this on my own but it has to be done. i mean i am never going to be happy with myself or confident if i keep living this lie. i sent em a text. i been holding off on endng it all this time but damn this isnt right. i mean. when am i going to be strong enough to walk away from something that isnt good for me. he hasnt been good for me for a while. i hope i can be strong and not have to go through the five steps again but honestly like new year new me i have to be real and honest that was my goal. and if im honest i cannot truly say that he treats me well i cant say hes there for me i cant say i can trust or rely on me if someone asked me if he still liked me i couldnt even wholeheartedly say yes. i mean literally yesterday we just didnt talk. and hes told me so many times that he could never give me what i want and its because he doesnt ever want to be with me. i saw what i wanted to see. im good at that. but without him i can focus and this year i have a lot to focus on. i can get just as much help from fucking google as i can him. i mean. i have everything i need. i have good friends and lot of things to be excited for. and i have my head on straight. im a serious catch when i finally find a guy worth givingmy heart to i know hes going to be the one thats lucky. but i dont want this bullshit. you dont ever hear anyone say oh he used to be such an asshole but he channged for me. ever. not once. a good man is a good man. he is just a big ass little boy. theres not even a point in reading his response i might as well delete in when i get it what good could it possibly do. i have to accept the reality. he could move on at any time and i wouldnt make a difference in his mind. part of me feels like something happened and im going to end up feeling stupid but its obviously not just because of one day that i said that. this is based on 2 months of evidence and i mean even if he is nice to me like he would be a stranger i dont get any special treatment and i should. i cant reach my goals at all not graduating not competing none of it while hes in my life. he used to be my cheerleader but hes not anymore. now hes holding me back. its time for me to embrace being 100% by myself. until my heart is healed then maybe i can consider moving on but honestly i need to up my standards a lot. it cant just be based on looks or how much i like someone. it needs to really be based 100% on how i feel about them ONLY IF THEY FEEL THE SAME and how they treat me. thats number one. man i hope im not getting sick my like glands around my throat hurt and shit. anyway. yea. i mean. not much left to talk about. i just...im not dealing with waiting around on him anymore this isnt how its supposed to be. he should worship the ground i walk on but he doesnt. and he never will. if he ever liked me that much he wouldnt have felt pressured. he did tell me he was selfish and he was right. he really is he is bipolar and unstable and his lifestyle is unstable and i dont need to be a part of that. he's not worth it. tomorrow i start my day off as a free woman. and ill have to decide if i want to read his response or not. its just going to be a confirmation and the same old same old im sorry this and that but youre right ill never be able to give you what you want but i still think youre awesome blah blah one day youll find someone i will still root for you ya ya ya. bullshit lol fucking bullshit. hallmark breakup card. no one wants to read that shit. Igave him space and he liked it. now its time for me to withdraw into my coccoon and reemerge when im a butterfly lol