Yday ended horribly...Today is looking up

So i cried myselfto sleepp last night. i poured my heart out and he sent me a text saying it wasnt my fault and that i was right everything is because of him and we could be together but he doesnt want that and when we were together it wasnt right? essentially saying what he wanted was a best friend and he enjoyed HOOKING UP but. really? so friends with benefits. all i could think was how passionately he kissed me and what i thought was making love was...nothing. it crushed me to hear that again. didnt know how id make it through the day. wokeup not crying but definitely upset and didnt think i could make it through work so i pretended to have flu symptoms and called in. also texted him about how horrible i felt. and he texted back. then i mean i just told em i didnt accept his answer. that it wasnt fair to me to just end everything and make me walk away with nothing. he said that like he wants me to be happy more than anything but he wasnt giving me the same love i put in and that i deserve the relationship i want smh. i was like you dont know what i want cause you never ask. i said did it ever occur to you to siit down and have a convo with me. all the times he saw me like to ask if we could talk. and have an adult conversation about any issues we see and compromise on what to do about it. like he just has to be so black and white there is no gray area but there is. he feels a certain way about the situation my gut says different so why should we always go his way? i said who has the better track record on decision making. like there is an option to fix things. i should be right up there with chris and his mom. i mean basically he have been friends but he took away all my benefits. i was his best friend but he wasnt mine. still. he just stopped. and why. i told em i missed him. i missed my best friend and i wanted it back. that i wanted a fresh start. as friends. friends talk almost everyday and if the convo dies ok but hey dont like.. ignore. best friends talk, about everything, i told him i was sick of him saying hes sorry and making excuses its a new year i want him to stop. and turn the asshole switch off. and we can start over as friends and things can be good but yea i was specific i said we talk we hangout and when i need your help youre there cause you know id do it for you. i was like i will gladly listen to anything that bothers you i can stop. i wont talk about feelings or relationships. i said we can negotiate let me know your terms then i laughed and said man how do you live without my jokes im so awesome it hurts haha but yea he responded pretty quickly and said he was laughing thw whole time he read it especially when i said i was an investment worth making, i told him like you dont throw valuable things away jsut cause you may not necessarily need them at the moment. that i was worth keeping he never looks at the big picture. like in the future he may change his mind or he may like see me with someone else and decide there are feelings that he missed or there might come a time when he needs me. and i guess he agreed, ill write what he said
"Lol Ive been laughing reading this the whole time. My favorite line is probably when you said you were an investment worth making lmao I do see what youre saying and trying to get through  to me.I would rather you be in my life than not. When things are tough it would be nice to have you there and I know I do owe you the same. I just didnt know what to do differently than to cut you out. im just so used to ignoring shit when i dont want to deal with things. ill turn my asshole switch off for you. this is a new year and i plan on it being a good one. i want the same for you." i was happy with that. idk what the deal is with me when it comes to him. but im not ok with just letting go. man i usually dont fight this hard. maybe it means something idk. but i dont tink his his idea is right. idk man ive waited all my life and i mean all of it, doesnt matter tht im young. ive been aware since i was a kid, i skipped boys r gross. and i have found something better than anything ive ever experienced. ill get my own life. ill live it separate from him and i can stay focused and not think about relationships. ill focus on me and my goals but damn it i dont want to do everything without him and i dont want him doing everything without me. it would kill me if he was to move on all i can do is hope that my presence will ...keep that from happening. but i wanted a second chance and im getting it. this way we'll get to see what would've happened. or if nothing would. i told him if anything physical happened its better than with a stranger and i told em this was the last time id say it but i wasnt ready for him to start doing all that with someone else. im going to focus hard and dedicate myself to keeping a level head and not falling ever again when it comes to him i have to be awake and aware and reasonable. like you would with anyone. but i want to be close to him i want to be one of the closest people to him. ad friendship...thats what i miss. i miss trusting im and him trusting me and us being positive influences in eachothers lives. and if we're not together whatever. it wouldnt be right now anyway but im not moving on. i dont want to get over him cause i feel like....idk how to describe it. maybe its addiction maybe its egoic attachment but it feels like he is the one i should hold onto and that if i ever ever get close to him itll be worth it. i think i went about it wrong. being without him for 4 days kind of showed me how happy i can be without anyone to think about. but when i want someone to hang out with or talk to i wanna know hes there. it is going to be hard honestly because i still have STRONG feelings for him but i really think its mostly physical. and i cannot WAIT to get in his presence again because best friends dont kiss or touch or have sex and i cannot wait to throw that in his face because i know hes going to try. kissing him just feels so good. everything feels so good i dont want anyone else touching him ever again. if im honest. but i mean hes not looking it would have to be complete happenstance. all i can do is hope that i pop into his mind. and that in time he will change his mind. idk. idk what to say. im like a slave to my feelings for that boy. i dont WANT to let him go. he has said the same thing to me a million times, and okay i get it. he can really really really be an asshole but damnit i know he can also be fucking awesome and i want that ive earned that im not leaving without it. as long as me and him are at peace im ok. i mean its been like some months of training but ive gotten really stronger and am so much of a better person now. ii do feel really bad about lying about being sick. i just didnt think i could make it through the day i needed to regroup before tmrw. i didnt think he would actually...idk. come around i guess. now i see like what can be and im okay with it. he doesnt really have a lot of girl friends. id be mostly the only one. and if thats what it takes to get close to him and have a second chance then so be it. if not i wont turn anyone away because of him. should i meet someone else that i like more MIRACLE then he cant say anything i know he wouldnt stop me. i do think like im going to have to pray for strength but i think the time apart is doing well like... this upcoming wednesday will be i think 2 weeks since we've seen eachother. and like we just now talked for the first time in almost 5 days yesterday. without him i finally learned im ok. but i just for some reason cannot accept us just being completely done and there being no hope. i mean...i PRAY God lets me move on first but im not going to just release him into the wild. i want a guarenteed spot next to him. im praying i can become part of his routine and he will welcome be as a steady part of his life. i'll be able to see him whenever i want and just...idk. idk why i fight so hard when this happens. the shit just doesnt feel right and i guess making it work is easier than accepting the loss. at least now FINALLY he's agreed. so yea further time apart won't be such a bad thing. maybe i'll see what hes doing saturday and be like wutchu doing today lets hang out. i cant imagine him initiating i wont expect that much and when youre friends it doesnt matter. man. i really and truly hope this isnt my karma for garrisen. like he just doesnt like me and never will that would suck. cause hes always down to be my friend but the thing is i never mistreated him. evenw hen we were together and even if we were i mean im just not like that. I need to not think so much ever. i need to accept and not analyze. i can have my best friend back and my good treatment back and just..all my privileges back. i do want to abstain from the physical stuff and be like best friends dont kiss etc. i just have to like be super strong which i never have been but this is a year of new beginnings and new strength. never won a battle with him before where he actually felt good about it and i did too. DONE. never went over there before and didnt spend the night. DONE. didnt ever go over there and keep my head on straight DONE. time just makes me stronger and stronger. i dont check my phone all the time now. i dont spend every second thinking about him some days i dont really. but us not talking nd me having to leave all my shit unsaid and leave the issue unresolved. its not fair and that wouldve been a month of struggle that i cant afford. its unecessary we dont need to be enemies we need to be friends. but yea so i'll just treat em like my best friend. if i wanna tell em something i will. im not going to worry about who texts who first or if how long its bee since ive talked to em or what hes doing who hes with. whatever. i gotta keep my head straight its not his job not to hurt me its my job not to GET hurt. in all honesty the more time we spend apart right now the better. cause the more distance the more time not only the stronger do i get but also like the easier it is to say i havent seen you in however long. i just dont want to overthink things anymore. i dont want to live my life in anxiety trying to figure out what other people are thinking. i dont want to base my day on assumpetions or things i dont have anymore. i dont want to give people so much power to hurt me. i want to be comfortable in my own skin, my own person, happy with what i have and not trying to impress anyone ya know? i really really really want to focus on myself. i needed verything hat happened to get me back to that point, cause even before like when i was in a good place i was still basing it off someone else what they thought because it happened to be positive. now i just. MAN i know what im worth. i dont just want to be anyones gf i want them to work for it because im the worlds most amazing gf. i will never say to corey again i want a relationship, if he wants me to be his gf he can ask me. but im not adverising it to anyone anymore. im not telling him about feelings anymore cause it doesnt benefit anyone, i can pray, i can type on here but i dont really need feelings etc to make me happy anymore i dnt need anything. im doing great. im happy with what i have, ya know? and i know the kind of person i am. and i want to keep getting better. but i now i mean i love my body i love my hair i love my face i love my style i love everything about myself and i dont want to  ve with someone who doesnt feel that way ya know. i dont want to force myself on people anymore i dont want to be the kind of person i wouldnt want to be around. i want to talk about myself less and listen more. like a lot more. and not brag so much. im working on just being a better version of myself. im happy with myself. and i mean im happy we're on good terms. for once im going to pray God, your will be done. but can you please put your blessing on me and Corey. for me. just help him be his best and help me be my best and no matter what the state of the relationship is please help us be good to eachother and there for eahother. i dont want anyone to be hurt anymore especally not me. im not excited about school tmrw. but im just praying somehow i can juggle this all God be with me i cannot mess around this semester. i cant even afford to be like obsessing over him because my degree is on the line. i have to focus focus focus. i guess today became a cheat day. im praying my period omes becasue my appetite is through the roof and cravings are back. ate sweets (cinnastix) for the first time in a MINUTE today. it was like i had to have em. ill take another pee test at the end of the month i PRAY it is negative i dont trust the one i just took. ughhh i cant get back on bc until i get my freaking period. anyway. things are good. i am good. i mean im happy we're good im not going to spend a lot of time thinking about it. or trying to force or analyze anymore. cause i dont need it. i just want to be able to like..idk be with him when i want to when i have time. theres sports on all the time now. that wont go away til the end of march which is annoying. but anyway. k thats it. today got better. byeee