Day 1- Better than any other day one ever- no tears, no regrets

For ONCE I didnt cry. Not one tear. And i dont think i overreacted i dont feel like oh i had him why did i ruin it. I didnt ruin it. my expectations are reasonable. he just never liked me enough to do it except at the VERY beginning. and i cant tell you how proud of myself i am because it doesnt hurt. its offensive that he hasnt said ANYTHING but it doesnt hurt and im not surprised. i actually think its for the best because every word out of his mouth gets on my nerves. nobody wants to breakup with somebody and hear YOURE RIGHT...at all lol that sucks. everyone wants someone that will fight for them and im wondering why i ever wanted him. i mean...theres just so many things about his personality that i cant stand. his beliefs and his sense of entitlement. yea hes cool and people like him and hes very attractive and has a great body and we have good chemistry. but like he cant bring ANYTHING to the table. i think hats really the issue and why God had to look out for me when i wouldnt look out for myself. yes i have a lot to bring to the table for him but what does he bring to the table for me. the affection and the passion was what i wanted but once that was jeopardized i mean. thats it. he cant even take me on a date cause he wont get a fucking job and the types of jobs he can work is so limited cause he has no education and a very limited skill set. plus hes living off everyone around him and that bubble is going to burst in his face one day and i dont want to feel the edges of the splatter. hes immature and has soooooo much to learn and i mean i dont want to relive those years ive already been through them. i mean i get i pressured him but a good person just wouldnt act like that honestly his true colors definitely showed. and theyre not pretty. and he has no remorse hell at least i looked back and took responsibility for my actions id take em back if i could. this boy has noo regrets. probably only regrets leading me on for so long but he doesnt even think he treats me bad which is crazy hes probably never treated a girl like he treated me and there is no consolation he wont ever be like man i was stupid im so sorry if i could go back id do this and that. i shouldnt have [insert list of all the times he screwed me] and dah dah dah. nothing. i wont get a sincere apology for the real reason. hes never going to beg for me back he might as well be langston. he never liked me so no matter what i do or how successful i am his friends can give him as much shit as they want hell never regret it. hell never miss me hes never missed me a day in his life hes never felt like he was losing out. hes never cared enough for the doubt or the passion. i could post pics of me with others guys it would only make me look bad to him hed just be juddging me and it wouldnt bother him whatsoever. i dont have any power over him. if a fight with you doesnt phase his day he doesnt like you. i he wont talk to you its because he doesnt like you. if a week goes by and he doesnt miss you its because he doesnt like me. i dont know what november was about honestly. and i mean in the past ppl would say yall will be talking by next week. no we will not. we barely talked all this week and he was fine. and he just...hasnt said ANYTHING. im happy cause i dont want to hear the bullshit but i mean it 100% confirms what im saying. idk what hes being doing but he was right it was all me and he apparently just has no balls cause i wouldnt spend time with someone i didnt like. and the physical stuff just wouldnt be there but i guess guys are different im done trying to figure him out. when i talk to other people it just makes me think of him. it feels like ill never move on but its only because i cant imagine being more attracted to anyone than him. everyone else pales in comparison as far as the things i care about i prefer him in every catagory id take em just like he is if he liked me. but he doest ya know. if not him like i just wanna be alone and get over it. i mean theres a lot of times i want to talk to someone but damn i want someone that makes me feel good. new guy is an asshole. hes too full of himself to notice me and i probably made myself seem a little cocky too so its going nowhere. he has my number and hasnt used it. snap chat is going nowhere i want someone i can fucking talk to. i think ill just...wait. and when i go pro get me a fine physique pro. who knows. i know im not going to meet anyone soon i dont go anywhere or do anything to meet people so there will probably be a lot of time when im really bored but i dont really feel like dating, i dont have a lot of faith in it right now. even though i cant imagine myself getting over him though i know God can make it happen so it doesnt matter if I cant see it in my mind. he can make the impossible happen. soooo yea. i just gotta be patient and try to enjoy my life in the mean time. and be consistent with my diet and training so in a few months ill see some really nice results. its weird ya know. how far apart we are now. i never thought id say we barely talk. i never thought this would really be over but lately ive seen it coming. theres nothing left were both sick of eachother ive changed but he doesnt give me a chance and without a proper apology and some remorse i cant truly forgive him. when im around him im mean and bitter and its barely enjoyable. and its just so clear he only wants my body honestly and its so unattractive. i didnt know the last time i went over there would be the last time ever, but its okay. cause i told him i wasnt going to go to the apt anymore. i know chris will have my back and tell him how stupid he is. cause he is honestly. he doesnt value anything that actually matters and he doesnt love anyone but himself hes one of THE most selfish people ive ever met and spoiled absolutely rotten. its not attractive anymore. and i cant wait til hes no longer attractive to me. the hard part will be when im bored not to talk to him and when my irritation wears off to stick to my guns no matter what. i cant talk to him honestly even if he were to talk to me. i owe him no courtesy. he hasnt even been a good friend so i mean..theres no reason for us to speak. ill be cordial if i ever see em but thats about it. the goal for now is to not and i hope i dont get lax on that. anyway yea but hes like langston. there is no leeway. thats why hes never texted me whether it was me or him to break it off its always been me. he hasNEVER come back to me hes never just out and said he missed me theres never been anything on his part he doesnt feel the pull like i do its a relief to him everytime this happens. it takes the pressure off. i mean. idk. i didnt bother him all week. i thought hed miss me but i think he liked it better. and now that hes doing cardio thats just another excuse hes back in another phase where hes transitioning and he cant like..have me in the mix. but im sick of his phases. i dont think him not liking me is a phase and though i wish he wouldnt have pretended. he couldve let me go in november instead of acting like we were together. but i mean. the distance doesnt bring us closer together cause he doesnt think about me. the way he pictures me, without me he feels free. and i cant imagine a time where that would change. where someone like me would be necessary in his life and im no longer willing to pose myself or try to hide my weaknesses so he can see me a certain way. im not perfect. i think certain things and certain things bother me certain things scare me and i want to be able to tell him and know hes on my side but i cant. he has no idea what im going through and what im trying to do cause i dont tell him aything. he thinks i do but i dont he doesnt know the half. he has no clue what ive been through or how ive changed in the past two months and he never will cause he doesnt ask. we dont talk anymore and he doesnt listen. i cant tell you a whole lot about his life either. its really a damn shame but its all good. its time for me to grow up and part of that is leaving him behind. part of me, the ego or whatever the stupid part would be called (lol) is like oh this will be a break this is perfect because now youll actually get over him and weeks will pass and then at some point hell try to talk to you again but lets be real. really? a few weeks. no. everyday that goes by without us talking is a day that he gets closer to forgetting about me. no ones going to bring me up hes not going to see me except on fb and IG hes going to start to forget what i look like and sound like and how i am and all the memories will fade and be replaced with newer more relevent ones and any girl in the world could take my place. thats just the reality. when he was on the cruise i was over here dying and he was having a blast not thinking about me. last week was probably a great week for him and i dont think its a coincidence that the best day ive had in a long time was a day we werent speaking. ya know? it feels good not to have to work so hard. being me and not wondering what he thinks. not like thinking of my spare time as time that could be spent with him. next wednesday will have been two weeks since weve seen eachother. and honestly i dont want to see him. if he asked me to come over tomorrow id say no even though im off saturday. no thanks. that would never happen i need to remember he doesnt want to see me. but anyway yea really. like...last time i was over there was very unfulfilling and it was really the pregnancy convo that kind of sealed our fate. thats what made me realize he doesnt even care about my health or happiness and is only ever worried about himself and thats what made me realize he doesnt like me. we're no where near on the same page cause we're nowhere near the same type of person hes not half the person i am and his heart is half the size of mine flaws and all. and i see that now. dude youre lucky to have a girl that even wants you right now when youre down and out living like a scrub theres not one attractive thing about your situation your looks are all you have going for you and youre hairy and kinda chubby right now. but you got a girl that cleans your fucking room and buys you medicine when youre sick. comes and sees you all the time and saves you gas. like really. youre lucky to ever get to see me. just on the fact of straight up beauty alone. brooke was cute. pretty eyes. general good package with the hair and boobs but she was not beautiful at all and she clearly wasnt smart or a genuinely good person. she didnt have her shit together like i do either. the fact that me being so dedicated to you was unattractive definitely shows emotional immaturity and that wont change in a matter of weeks. and im happy to say now that i pray in a few weeks when we havent spoken that i will not reach out to you. because you honestly dont deserve to even speak to me. you shouldve been happy to come over here to even be invited. and i mean what the fuck is wrong with going to a movie especially since you fucking slept through the last one and you cant even afford to take me to it now. and dont think i dont notice that valentines day is right around the cornner. so is my bday but i bet you wont even notice that. and dont think i wont remember that because i went all the fuck out for your bday. ive always been thoughtful and considerate and loved seeing you happy what have you ever done to make MY life easier? to help me out? to take my struggle away? to make ME happy? you never cared about me i been working a job in overtime for zero pay and im so happy i see this now and proud to death that i was strong enough to QUIT and i dont care if you didnt notice that i was your most valuable asset and never will. i dont care thats your problem. youre missing out on true happiness and having a life to call your own. having anything to call your own but you had me ad you blew it. to shreds. theres not a soul in this world who would say im the one missing out. i humbled myself before you but you wouldnt do the same. and im about to deal with this pregnancy shit on my own because i cant tell you because ...you suck. and i dont want to hear it. you dont deserve to see me as anymore of a burden or think any less of me. i dont care about your life. i wanted to be involved. thats all. i wanted to meet your family i didnt care that its a damn clusterfuck mess and id gladly have welcomed you into the stability and healthy relationships in mine. but you didnt want it. i wanted to be your cheerleader and help you in any way i could and always support you in your career but you didnt want it. i added to your life and you took from mine and then you have the nerve to act like a brought it on myself and let me think i deserve it? no. the difference between me and you is im aware of myself and im not afraid to change and i always try to be a better person but all you care about is your body. youre in for a rude awakening and you really really really need somebody like me i wouldve stood by you til the end of time. good looking guys who want to take care of me are a dime a dozen. but a girl like me. good luck. especially one thats gunna want you for the fucked up individual that you are. i forgive you because youre worse off then me. but i wont forget. not in a couple weeks nnot in a couple months not ever and ill never believe that youve changed and ill never believe youre sorry and ill never believe that you ever liked me at all. the best thing is you wouldnt even waste your breath to try to convince me of those things because you will never value me. i went back to langston even as a friend like 6 months later never getting an apology for what he did to me. i was there for him and he didnt even care. he didnt change then. broke my heart AGAIN. then...almost 2 years later. finally said he was sorry. and then blocked ME. ridiculous. youre the same. young. immature. wishy washy. and self obsessed and i need to avoid people like you like the plague. thank you for showing me that you werent who i thought you were and for setting me free. that i appreciate. i pray that youre not pondering what to say. and that you never say anything cause nnothing you could say could do anything but piss me off and im so okay without you its not even funny. just leave me alone. i know you will. cause you just dont give a fuck.and you never did. and soon i wont either.