Confessions and Epiphanies.

So more and more Im realizing how fake I am and have always been and how much I personally need to change. I think not necessarily that it will be easy but is very possible now that Im aware. I talked about it a lot to Sarena at dinner then in the car to God. I basically confessed that all the mistakes Ive made in the past I did knowingly and it was my fault. There is no one else to blame. And inately...I am just inclined to lie and manipulate and there is something not right there. BUT that doesn't mean I have to be like that. I can change if I want and I do. So now I pretty much in the past 2 days have pin pointed the two things I want to work on. FOCUS AND TRUTHFULNESS. I want to be awake and aware and I want to be real. I don't want to pretend to like people or things I don't like to get somewhere. I don't want to lie and act like I care about things I don't care about to get a certain response. From now on when people ask me things or talk to me I just need to be honest. I have to be me. Boring or uninteresting whatever if he doesnt like that he doesnt like me. But I didnt pretend to be anything in the beginning and he was fine. idk. it doesnt matter. im not static im dynamic. im not always going to want to chill. im not always going to want to go out. Im not always going to do anything Im 23 years old Im still growing and changing. The only thing that doesnt ever change about me is my spirit and that will always be. I dont need to identify with or get too attached to that. Nothing is always the same so why do i have to be?If someone is going to love me it should be for my heart not what I like or dislike or tend to do at any current moment. I am who I am and always will be right now. it won't change no matter who or what comes in and out of my life. I just want to be here. I don't want time to pass and not have felt or experienced anyhting and not remember it. I don't want to fake laugh and fake smile and put on a front for what I want people to think of me. I want to handle situations as they arise and be at peace with them when they're over. So I dont regret SO MUCH. Today when he told me he'd be watching football saturdays and sundays I didnt care. like okay and what. Inside part of me is like so are you telling me you basically never want to hang out with me but at thetime I didnt care. But I still responded like automatically as if I did trying to get a certain response. fishing for reassurance but I dont need it. I know his spirit likes mine. period. it's something he cant deny and neither can i. since Ive been faking and just...doing stuff all calculated etc and not ever letting anything flow, he hasnt felt my spirit in a while. the only time either of us can feel it is when we kiss or have sex and i think thats why we like it so much. it's REAL. I just want to actually live out my days instead of acting like my life hastn started yet cause it has and I have so many shoulda coulda wouldas. its time to stop living in fear of making the wrong move or of people seeing me or what they think of me. i dont want to anymore. i mean. he texted me back and as usual not at all what i thought hed say but you dont get the natural response when what you say isnt sincere. idk what hes thinking there no need to analyze. just take it for what it is. stop clouding everything with feelings i been living in a nightmare i want to wakeup. its time ya know? but yea he asked me what i was doing. my first instinct was ignore him make him want to talk to you but the reason i didnt text him back is because hell i didnt want to. the convo is going nowhere. its not imporrtant theres nothing left to talk about im trying to focus on me so just. if he texts me later or tmrw ill say im sorry wont talk about why i didnt text back. i just want to like focus on me. and i mean he'll get his way if he was telling me that so he wouldnt have to worry about me on weekends. i plan on keeping with what i said and staying away from him. and i pray pray pray that Im not pregnant I definitely want to stay away from him until I start my period. and i mean...if not then ill have to deal with that by myself which sucks but i dont think id tell him. but i mean. i just have to stop lying. and try to just...move on and not bring up my previous lies so i dont have to keep them up. i also dont need to keep spending a bunch of money on my apt just to impress him. he doesnt even clean his room when i go over there. i do realize though i have been the one making everything happen. the last times he wanted me to come over i said no ever since then its been all me. so im done with that. in all honesty its impatience that makes me so aggressive. at least for now i believe that the one thing girls get to enjoy is being pursued by a boy and if hes a true gentleman and cares about you and yall are not in a relationship then he should be the one doing the work. ive done enough work im ready to retire. i dont want to set that as the standard for the whole relationship. me taking care of him. so i need just..time to let the past go and practice focusing that way ill know when im around him i wont let him pull me back into unconsciousness. just...gotta focus and be real. those are my two objectives everything else will come naturally. and as far as he goes. if it doesnt come naturally it shouldnt come at all. i have to resolve right now. never to force again. it robs people of their ability to choose and disrespects Gods plan. I have to be patient and focus and not obsess. Jen had a good idea for me to just focus and get tunnel vision with competing and I think i can do that. i mean at least focus a little more i dont want to really have tunnel vision on anything though i just want to be awake.