Cant Seem To Get My Head Right

I hate school. I dont want to go I have to force myself. I dont care about this degree. Its far as hell and I cant wake up in the morning to go. When I dont go to class I dont do well. Trying to tell myself I can catch up but this is like...I cant remember yea I think this is the 3rd week Ive missed school. Basically because I wont get up and I tell myself I will do work at home but I dont. Im so far behind on so many things I dont want to do it at all. Im basically in debt. I own Cherika $90 I dont necessarily think she deserves but I said I would. Still gotta save up for the prize package. Gotta get EJ his bday present and go over there which I dont want to I'll probably do that tomorrow. All my money is like going somewhere rent comes out tmrw. 3 weeks behind in school. Cant seem to motivate myself I hate it and it makes me feel stupid. How can I do well if I wont go theres almost nothing in this world I WOULDNT rather do than go to school I want it to be over but I feel stupid and like I cant do this. I guess the best bet would be to get what I can done this week and try to fous on it. and Just plan to go to every class next week. and read all my syllabuses. As far as Corey. Idk. I'm just sick of being up under him. I'm sick of complimenting him all the time. Sick of him knowing that theres this amazing girl thats in love with him and he gets to have the benefits of a relationship and a best friend all in one and I just get to feel rejected the majority of the time. I feel like..chained to him. I feel I have nothing better to do and that makes me sad. I mean. If i don'tgo over there I won't do anything over the weekends. Dustyn is a flake. Cant rely on her. Dee won't be here til March. So I have no one to hang out and I dont ALWAYS want to be alone. I wish I wouldnt have told him how I feel. I hate that he gets everything and I get nothing. I mean...I get...attention occasionally. I mean I cant help but think its not good for me to just...always be worried about him. always be thinking about him. and be spending all this time with someone who doesnt feel how I do how is that healthy ya know? we shouldnt cut eachother off compeltely I get that he will be a lot of help when the season starts and even now if I need help in that aspect BUT as far as me building confidence and getting to know myself and just generally being at peace and happy I dont think hes good for me. I mean....if theres not really any hope like....idk. I feel like he wants a white girl. Like Im not white enough or Im not his kind of pretty. Im not fit enough. My boobs are big enough my skin isnt clear enough my eyes arent light enough my hair isnt long enough. In general I feel like..I pick myself apart when it comes to him. I felt so much more attractive before I met him ya know? Now. When I think of him I just feel not good enough. How is that okay. Im not mad at him and by no means do I want to be enemies at all. I do love him but he doesnt love me and I mean like..how can you not feel like something about you could be changed. Im tired of thinking of every aspect of my life in terms of him ya know? I mean right now school is taking a toll. I havent lost it all yet but I do have a lot of catching up to do on the material and also just like..I have a few zeros. 4 in physics already Im really scared of that class. And I havent been to a single bio class I need to read like 3 chapters. Its so much that it makes me not want to try. I feel like I want to be alone. Or meet some new people. But something in me really really really wants to get out from under Corey. I mean honestly like I can go see that movie with Morgan or my damn self like...I have paid for every movie. ev ery damn thing Ive spent probably $1000 or more on either him or things to impress him and i have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to show for it whatsoever. A healthy minded girl would get as far from him as possible. I mean...idk the whole relationship is fucked up. And i feel like I need him for sex because I feel like I cant go without it and I used to be able to but now Im like a fiend and I cant use the toy and I hate those nights. But I mean when we kiss and touch and have sex it means the world to me and nothing to him. I don't want to be a best friend with benefits. and I mean I don't even want to do anything to try to get him back anymore because Im tired and I dont see a possibility of it doing any good. But Im sick of it being all me. My friends inititate SOME THINGS sometimes. But I dont ALWAYS go see them. I dont like..buy them stuff. I dont have to do SO MUCH for so little and I want to take it ALL away. Just to respect MYSELF more and feel better about myself. Im tired of all of this. Yes Im lonely honestly its lonely in this apartment and I lack motivation and structure and discipline and Im kind of lost sometimes. I dont know necessarily who I wanna be or who I am STILL. Im not 100% confident with myself and I think situations like this are why. Im sick of texting him everyday. Im sick of POURING MY HEART OUT and after all this time, everything Ive done, I mean nothing to you. But a FRIEND, and you refer to it as "hooking up" which makes me feel SO CHEAP. Like..all this time you WERE pretending. I WAS  friend with benefits. You literally dont mind if I date someone else? I want to get over him so bad. I dont know how but hell I mean If I have to be miserable regardless and there's nothing I can do FINE. I dont think i want to go over there Saturday. I could get a workout in. Some studying. Or just..hell cry Idk. Whatever but I dont want to go over there just to stare at him and long for him and fawn over him and do stuff for him and just....be fucking perfect and amazing and sweet and invisible. I dont want to pay for his ticket AND mine. If I had known I wouldnt even have a picture with the damn shirts I wouldnt have bought them. Its EVERYTHING I do involving him that ends up being a mistake. The reason I'm in debt is this stupid ass tv I dont freaking need that he wouldnt even come over here to watch! ANY of my other friends would make the drive but he WILL NOT. And Im sick of him. Yes I like being with him. Yes its fun but honestly like..I dont like feeling invisible. I dont like feeling like a slave to my emotions. I DON LIKE BEING INVISIBLE. Mrs Right in front of your face AND YOU DONT SEE ME. Idk how I'll say it. Idk. But I'm not going to go over there. I don't want to. Yes I'll be bored. My life is boring and kind of depressing. All i do is work and go to school eneither of which i love to do but I mean...whatever. I do have fitness to focus on. But Im sick of posting pics hoping he'll like them. Or trying to be funny enough. Making him feel AMAZING about himself...i mean. He never tells me I'm pretty. Or perfect. Hasnt said he missed me since probably November. And now he swears he has NO feelings for me and we're just friends okay. Honestly. Okay. I don't hang out with my other guy friends like that. And If I knew they were secretly in love with me I most likely wouldnt want to for their sake. Idk what his deal is I dont understand guys. How he can LET me do all that. And even be around me. Like..What? No. It makes me feel bad about myself and I want to stop. idk how I'll explain I'll deal with it when the time comes. Idk. Idk. He doesnt mean to but he makes me feel bad. He never once felt inclined or compelled to do anything for me. He won $100 last night. Thats MORE THAN ENOUGH to get me like a fucking bear for vday. Hell use your moms credit card. I dont care anymore. I dont care. I can definitely see him moving on to some tan white girl with perfect skin and long hair thats into fitness. And theres nothing I can do. I dont want to feel pressured or not good enough and just...I dont want to. Whatever. Theres nothing I can do kid do what you want. Really. Cause if there was somebody i was attracted to that felt the same and wanted to be with me I would not stop for you. I'd go for it in a heart beat I just dont have that option right now theres no one that even slightly catches my eye. And I dont get out much its very unlikely Im going to meet someone like that right now so eff it. Do what you have to. Go weeks without talking to me. Dont miss me/ Dont talk to me. Dont feel a void when Im not there thats fine. Look at every other girl in the world that is fine. Never come to the woodlands again. Never worry or wonder or think about me. Never consider my happiness whatever. If I saw him with someone else it would crush me. it would HAUNT ME for...a long time. But you know what Im already crushed. He already haunts me. He's already pushed me into the dirt nd calls me a friend my heart breaks almost everyday. I can deal with it. But theres no honor theres no respect theres no confidence in being up under him. hes my weakness and he knows it. I dont want that to be true anymore. I want to move on with my life. I want to be busy. i want to be unavailable. i want to be happy. I want him to never see me. I want to not really talk to him much. unless I need something. I dont want to be driving to Cypress all the time. Im sick of it. i want to take it all away. hhe wont notice but I will. I have texted him everyday. Complimenting hime veryday. he never asked for any of it nor did he care I just did it complusively and I want to stop. Ive spent probably over a thousand dollars. I was with him when he had eerythign I was with him when he had nothing I was with him when he was fat and high all the time and lazy. I was with him when he was non content I was with him when he was confident. i was with him when he wanted me when he didnt or maybe he was faking idk. I was with him though. by his side all the time and he never noticed. I boought his roommate cigarillos. groceries for the house a mop for the kitchen. the freaking shirt. a jacket because he was cold. Weve seen movies eaten food everything because he wont get a job. Ive had my moments but mostly IVe been understanding and always on his side and Im sick of it. i want to take it all away. I want to take away the texts. all of them. i want to take away answering immediately and sending hims tuff to make him laugh. i want to take away the compliments. the gifts. the time. constantly just being there being consistent being reliable i want to not be there anymore. i want to take it all away im sick of it i was perfect and he didnt notice. and i dont want to change my mind. yes im bored. no i dont have much better to do and a lot of my life goes to things i dont want to do yes i could really use an escape and no i dont have one. but im tired of giving away EVERYTHING. and recieving absolutely nothing in return now i dont even have his heart. i have nothing. so whats keeping me here. hes asked me so many times. absolutely nothing. whatsoever. nothing at all. there are a million funny people in the world. there are a million attractive people in the world. great kissers with great penises who know what i like. others guys wont act like im disgusting and not go down on me. or want me to get in their asshole and then not let me. someone else would introduce me to their family and have nice friends and just in general want to make ME haappy. you say tyou do but you dont care about my happiness. you never cared about my pain. you never..understood. and its fine. im okay. and even if im not at least ill respect myself if i worry about my happiness even though you dont. you wont notice but i will. i want to take everything back. you can keep everything i bought. thats fine. but you wont get any more. no gum. no shirts. no water. no visits. and no sex. i have an awesome body. how dare you. you will not touch it anymore. i have a tongue ring and big juicy lips and i know im a great kisser but you will not kiss me anymore. and you can let some other whore suck your dick because im not. how dare you act like youre good enough for me to put your dick in my mouth but you wont go down on me cause youve never gone down on a BLACK BITCH? sorry I cant be white. We'll be friends. but youre going to get what my other guy friends get and honestly less because you just come to the table without anything but an empty plate to fill. you dont bring anything with it. and you dont think for one second how can i make her happy what can i do for her. im sick of it. i love you but im starting to see your true clors and its fading and im going to let it, encourage it. I'll answer you when I feel like it. On Saturday I probably won't text you until you text me. I mean...yea. I don't think i owe you a ton of courtesy. And If youre not okay with the bare minimum you shouldnt have given it. I want you to adjust to what you wanted. YOU wanted. you said friend. so You dont get to see me or talk to me. m the joy to be around Im the one thats fun. And YOU shouldve appreciated what you had but you didnt. now see what friendship gets you. cause it isnt much/