Nearing the end....its all up to him

So brief recap. We got into a tiff on Vday bc he was like feeling weird cause I asked Bethany to put in a word for him at my fit? and was being such a damn dick I told em not even to come over and he basically like ended up saying could we drop it and was the sole reason the night didn't end up in me crying myself to sleep. he came over looking beautiful and took me out to eat and we had so much fun. hes SO SWEET when we go out I love going anywhere with him. and like of course we got back and had sex and cuddled and went to sleep. slept in. and he left fairly late. the sex has gotten ridiculous now. I freaking love it. but yea like it seemed so short I wanted him to come back that night. and he could've he didn't necessarily have anything to do. but like during the day he said like this big confession about how much fun he has with me and how much he loves being with me and how he was hesitatnt to come over bc it throws him out of his loop. basically saturday he ended it bc I make him happy and it will distract him from his goals. his dumb ass friend sam mcguffy who techinically plays pro ball but is a nobody felt the need to give him advice about how you have to be a shut in to be successful so he thinks he needs to cut me off. and honestly I just didn't say anything. cause like...nothing I say matters. so I said like Lord Im going to let him go if its meant to be he'll come back but today I just broke down because I mean his main thing was how far I live and driving throws him off and he needs to stay in his routine at his moms. and I mean idk....I guess I just wanted him to know my piece. that if he wanted to work it out we definitely could. there really I nothing to work out. for once I don't have to ask God to dig up feelings or change anything he said I mean a lot to him and it was killing him to do this. and it was fucking killing me because for once we both want to be together. he let me take pics and post them. they turned out so good. ive been looking at them over and over. he left his pretty shirt and it smells just like him. I sleep with it and cry every night. ill make myself stip after this week. I just...miss him and I don't want this. so today I just asked him like does this feel right to you cause it doesn't to me. and why was it so easy for him to just trun away instead of trying to make it work cause its worth it. and like he doesn't even give me the chance to try by like telling me things I can change to help him out. I told him like hes not sam. its not football. girls cant play football bodybuilding is an open sport and its good to have someone who can do it with you. I told him I wuld easily drive to him once a week if I could. and like I think its ok for him to enjoy himself once a week. and my lease goes up in july I CAN MOVE. yes. I will literally move to cypress. its closer to Sandra and all ym friends. I can live anywhere I want and if we were still together ad doing well I would definitely be open to that I don't see why not! I love this area but I love him more and driving doesn t bother me. I will be done with school and free. I told him like I don't feel like this is the right thing to do and if I had to step aside for him to succeed I would gladly do so but I don't think its necessary. I poured my heart out without being too ridiculous. and that ended at like..3. still no response. I was hoping hed break my heart tonight so I could cry myself to sleep and get it over with. I hope he thinks about it long and hard and I PRAY somehow he changes his mindset. I told em I wasn't trying to convince him I sut want whats best for him but I just want him to see this for what it is not what its not like he always has. and I promised him this year would not be like last year and he wouldn't lose because of me. if I had to be on his ass and make him do his shit or if we had to go periods without seeing eachother then like okay. but to throw it all away. we just got to where we are. we were talking everyday being 100% honest. laughing and just having the best time. making plans. actually taking pics. he brought his friend over. hes about to be working in a place where people know me and its close to Sandra. I mean...idk. I get it. there are situational difficulties but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be together. he hasn't said anything. I already have my okay i'll let you go speech saved and ready to send. if he says he still thinks its for the best which is what I think hes going to do I will send it this is what it says

Okay :( I understand. Whatever you have to do, I will support you. You mean everything to me and there's no one else in this world I'd rather be with. It makes me miserable thinking of never snuggling with you or kissing you again. I'd do anything to make this work. I've learned over these six months. I can get by with or without you I can make the best of things. I spend most my time alone I'm used to it. But life is just better knowing I'll get to see you on weekends and laughing without you throughout the day. But more than anything I want your dreams to come true. It breaks my heart that it has to be like this but I know it'll pay off for you in the end. And if me being out of the picture is what's necessary for you to get everything you want I will stay out of your way. Just know I don't regret anything. I see things differently now. I'll never say I wish I never met you or wish you never came to me when bad things happened. Bc the past two weeks have been awesome and Valentines day was perfect. I will cherish those memories forever. I look at the pictures everyday and just smile. And I'm glad I got to have the time with you that I did. I'll always miss you. And you'll be in my thoughts and prayers always <3 br="">

God knows that is not what I want. AT ALL. I want so badly for us to just go back to where we were and just make something work on how to see eachother. I mean I would GLADLY go to his moms. But ive never met her or his sister. and hes never brought it up or asked me though back in the day I know he talked to her about me and he said she would like me. idk. I know in my heart its difficult. but it could workout. 100% I know that. it could. if he decided he wanted it to. hes been the only thing holding us back this entire time but we're both so much different and better now and we had gotten so close. idk. things have gotten better for him hes got a job now..surrounded by friends. part of me says he doesn't need me he will be fine and do better without me. but my heart says that is not what is meant to be. that his heart has a need for me. and I told him. weve tried not talking and not seeing eachother we always come back to eachother. hes got to know that. I ended it funny but like I was serious. he was starting to believe in the potential too. and everything he said I know he wasn't just saying it. like if it really was killing him maybe he'll consider what I said. especially that I can move. and it's only 5 months away. pretty much right after the show, I could move. its not optimal considering all the decorating I did but I mean honestly if we were meant to be like who cares! im fine with that im up for a move. I love this boy. and I do not want to let him go especialy for this reason. I was going to go ahead and send him the text and just cut him off. but im giving him a chance. he is most likely trying to come up with a way to word my let down. that's what hes always done. but things aren't always as they were. there is a chance that he is thinking it over. the things I said are true. if he goes down the road hes on hes going to get burnt out. he could have ONE PERSON he lets in and it could be me I am down to go with him to every show. no matter where it is. I will follow him anywhere. I will let him live with me. hell. like...if he decided he wanted to try and make it work. if he would actually surrender and stop fighting for once...that could change everything. I think he would find things would suddenly start going our way. we go well together. its not forced anymore. its different. its not easy. but we are good together and it doesn't matter about the outside stuff. I will be his rock. I just said PLEASE let me do this with you let me stay with you. and idk. I hope he is thinking good and long and hard and I asked God to speak to his heart like he does mine. to give him the anxiety if he is making the wrong decision. why should I be special he can have the same intuition. I had anxiety when I woke up but idk what it was about possibly school. idk. I don't have it now. I don't have a good or bad feeling. when he first said it I had a feeling of peace like just sit tight this will be temporary. Im actually learning to start listening to my instincts and yes I do believe 100% that it is God speaking to me and now I feel like I have a gift. So I will do my best to listen to it from now on. I think I'm going to go to bed so I can actually get up on time. I might watch one episode of Supernatural and try some physics hw. I have 2 tests coming up. booo. got my lab report turned in though. sigh. when I went to send him my response to the let down something told me no, don't put words in his mouth. let him think. idk. MAYBE . there's always a chance, im wise enough to have learned after all this time. normally him taking this long isn't good. but I mean. if hes going to say it...he can say it. and I won't fight him. though this kills me and it feels wrong we were doing perfect we were so freaking happy. omg. like...I love him so much. I sleep with that shirt and I look at the pillow next to me and I think he was JUST HERE. its like going through the hell all over again and honestly I pray this time God will intervene and say Son, this isn't the way. You and that girl belong together stop fighting it. That he will follow his heart because I wasn't reaching with anything I said. everything I said was true. everything. this is the second time hes come back to me and it was right after saying he didn't even want me. hes running. hes scared. this is just....man...he cant do this God please don't let him do this. I think about some of the things he said and I smile and laugh to myself. hes so freaking funny. and it makes me want to cry. we are so good together. I told him we don't have to go anywhere or do anything ever we can dedicate our lives to this I do not care. I just want to be with the person that makes it all worth it. I pray pray pray that he will listen to his heart. that the Lord will speak to his heart and tell him what to do. I know he will say something eventually. or maybe this is his no. I guess if he doesn't say anything by Wednesday night I will text him again and say something. his first day at my fit is Friday, idk. I don't want this. it feels fuking horrible. we were so happy. God it has been SIX MONTHS. we've had to work and overcome and struggle and learn and by some kind of miracle ....we still ended up together. please....please....do not let him do this. it's not right please please let him be thinking and really really really considering it. please God. please don't let him throw us away. please. Please God.