Harder than it looks

Im okay. Im not crying. Im not...necessarily sad. Though I feel weird. msybe my doxiderol wore off. Probably need to go get some redbull. I literally turned my phone off. worked yday. I turned it on just to see if id see the little blocked sign. still nothing. honestly. this cant be fixed. hearing from him would not make me happy right now. unless he says he loves me too theres notihing to be said ya know. like theres nothing to be done at all. so I don't know like .....its just hard to focus. maybe that's just in general because im behind and idk what im doing. so maybe I should read the chapters or go over the lectures. im happy cause im for sure going to get through this day AND tomorrow without talking to him and then ill have two days under my belt which will make me feel better about myself. I feel like he hasn't even thought about it. but if I was him id definitely be thinking he was going to take it back. and normally he would. I know he doesn't like me mad at him but whatever. idk. I guess I just wonder. like in reality is he thinking about me. what did he think when he saw that I loved him. was he somewhat happy. did it make him feel good. is there even a CHANCE he might feel the same? he was just always so quiet I really don't know. did it push him away forever or will it make him feel even moreso like drawn to me. idk. I don't regret it. no matter what happens like it doesn't really matter anyway. I wonder though. he is probably working out right now but I wonder if he has trouble focusing. if he woke up thinking about me today. when he goes into work I know bethanny will bring me up. I wonder what hell say. I wonder if hes mad. or if he feells bad. I wonder if it hurt him at all. I wonder. like does he even think about me does it even bother him. if I go all this time without talking to him will he notice. does he check his phone thinking it might be me. I wonder how long we'll go without talking and if itll be foreer. if the cycle is broken or if something bad is going to happen like tmrw. I wonder if he had a bad day. or like...was even phased. like I wonder if he even notices my absence ya know. I wonder if he will tell me happy bday and when I ignore him will it bother him. I wonder if hes tried to look at my ig yet. or fb. I wonder if he thinks I overreacted or If he thinks he deserves it. or if he like regrets it yet. theres nothing to be done. im so happy to just be off today and tomorrow though. seriously im ecstatic bc like..taking work out of the mix just eases my stress a LOT and I feel like I have a vacay. Saturday is going to be great bc ill itll be 2 full complete days since ive said anything to him and ill feel much stronger. at the end of Saturday ill have like equaled my previous PRs. but like sunday night ill have beat it. that's going to be big. and exciting honestly maybe he wont notice. maybe hell start to feel like wow shes really done with me. or maybe he wont notice. but ill notice. and ill feel strong and good about myself. showing that I can do this. I think leaving my phone in the car at work will be good. that really seems to help and make the time go by faster. God just help me focus please. and help me have peace and enjoy my off days and thank you for helping me not waste them crying and whatnot.