There Has to Be a Plan B

Yes. he lost his job the day after the last time he screwed me horribly. like the last time he told me something very similar. this time he loses his bst friend. his whole life has gone to shit since he broke up with me. but maybe its just karma. God has a habit of not appreciating people who will screw me. but i mean... idk. i just...i want the feeling of wrongness to go away. there has to be a plan B. this boy has ruined EVERYTHING. if we were ever meamt to be we couldnt possibly be now. like...its impossible. and not just because of me. i can always forgive. my trust could be reearned. easily. with freaking effort. but there is none. WHY. WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY SO DRAWN TO AND INCOMPLETE WITHOUT LIKE..ITS NOT EVEN THAT WHY CANT I WIPE THE PICTURE FROM MY MIND. WHY IS MY FUTURE ALREADY LAID OUT IN MY MIND WITH HIM IN IT. WHY IS THAT IMAGE SO INPENETRABLE. WHY AM I NOT GETTING OVER THIS ONE. dear God. like...why. what the hell is wrong with me and why all the coincidences. making me look like his angel. that he just doesnt want. idk why i wasted my time texting him. i do want him to notice he is back where he started and he said he wished i had met em at a different time then what? what would he have done differently? i just...i dont understand and i look crazy telling him about it but damn he doesnt see it im sick of being fucking invisible it feels like shit. idk i guess its easier to walk away beefing. so he'll say something to piss me off. and i'll feel better about walking away? and i trust this time nothing else will happen. he said the same shit last time that he missed me. but he hasnt even tried to see me its been two weeks. valentines day. it is so wrong that im going to be alone. HE is so wrong. i cant understand why he even texted me. i was fine i wasnt planning to ever speak to him i was losing hope why didnt he just leave me alone! idk. i just want to feel better i want these feelings to go away. and i dont want anymore freaking like all signs pointing to me. i believed in fate and miracles the whole time but me and him. he doesnt want it. so no matter how much destiny and miracles there are it wont change. he is the problem. and im sick of wanting him! i was able to do my physics hw. but i made a mistake not going to bio class. im not going to read all these chapters and now the lectures wont pull up :( wtf! this is bs. i hope i dont end up winging the first test. anyway i texted him. idk why i bothered. i started out crying and stopped. i think thats why i do the novels. they make me feels better. silence is what kills me. he never expresses himself but i cant stop. i just wish he would see me once and for all so i could stop. and i wouldnt have to do all the work its going to take to freaking get over him but i will. and im ready for the bs answer im going to get and how much its going to piss me off. might even make me cry. whatever. nothing fuking new.