Day 2- reprogramming my thoughts

SO thankful...wokeup with ZERO anxiety. still was hard to get up but only because I was tired. of course got up later than I was supposed to but its okay. im still thinking about him a lot but that's to be expected. I know his orientation was probably at 9 or 10. idk where. so he probably won't hear about me today. hell who knows if he even will. but yea, idk. im having to like reprogram the way I think of things. theres the voice that tells me like ive said sit tight he'll come back. same voice even tells me its possible that he will actually tell me he loves me and this will be the final wakeup call he needs. BUT like..the other voice. that's the one I should listen to. the doubter. because the believer is honestly the one that gets me in trouble it is always wrong. you cant believe things into existence when it comes to people. its just the coping mechanism ive used to get through tough times over the years I guess ive honestly begun lying to myself and believing the lies. making life into a fairytale that its not. and I just have to reprogram my thoughts and when it comes to corey I have to listen to the doubter. the doubter tells me like this wasn't meant to even last as long as it did. and the blockage that keeps him from me will always be there. that he's not even a good person and it's going to take a long time for him to change if he even ever does he just might get worse. that we were never meant to be together I forced the whole thing. and he does not nor could he ever love me. I mean be real. he can't love anyone but himself he is so obsessed its disgusting he doesn't do anything for anyone he is CONSUMED by ambition and its lazy ambition at that. how could we ever work out if he has no morals. I mean true if he loved me truly we could figure it out. but that's just not how things are. he is going to go on with his life and keep obsessing. and his feelings for me will never be strong enough for him to go against what he thinks is like his ability to succeed. so everyday that I get away from him is best. my confidence will grow and I'll start to forget. the believer IN THIS CASE is a liar. honestly..like...all it does is go against reality and get caught up in thoughts and get me hurt. I don't want to be crazy anymore I don't want to basically freaking like hallucinate. I mean really. like..yea. its not okay. even if I have to brainwash myself telling myself these things everyday that's fine whatever I have to do. I mean I have cut off the source of the pain. now I have to stop creating pain for myself. by accepting reality completely and just honestly it would help to completely forget all the good things that ever happened between us and they were so rare. its actually really easy. I can imagine it will be easy for me to get over him than it is the other way around because I was so good and he was so horrible. I cant defend him in my head I cant understand I can forgive but I cant forget. I have to remember and I have to like use these thoughts to create a new association with him. instead of associating him with pleasure I need to associate him with pain and that will keep me away from him. im so much stronger than I ever was before I know I can do this. I can stay away from him. the problem is the believer still wants things to work out it still wants to be with him and it still believes that is possible so I honestly just have to ignore that voice and those thoughts completely. this first week will be hard but by march 20th I will be over him. by February 27th, 7 days after I started I will be better. but after a month I should be mostly healed. I don't have to see him ever. I don't have to hear about him we don't have many mutual friends like life is going to be on my side with this. all I have to do is make sure my thoughts don't drag me into a situation that doesn't exist. theres no need to keep hurting over this. it doesn't matter if he thinks about me it doesn't matter if he doesn't. it doesn't matter if he wants me back or what he thinks of  me it doesn't matter whatsoever because time is going to go by. its going to be probably like 4 months before I see him and by then I'll be fine. I don't care about the adventure I don't want the drama I don't need it I can get by without. it does feel like..slightly empty but fuck it the doubter can erase that once I finally just truly accept that this is one of those situations in life where you got fucked. you made some bad decisions, weren't as strong as you should've been, and you get fucked. but im getting better. I don't dream of him every night. at all if ever. I don't stalk him I barely cry. and I actually did something I would never have done if I was thinking of how to get him back or keep him. the reality is he doesn't love me nor did he ever nor will he ever not even close and his fear of commitment will win. those words alone will keep him away from me. and he probably thinks im a bitch since I told him I hate him. we have no reason to have contact we have no connection. theres nothing to reignite the flame and it went up in smoke. its just...I have to let it go mentally that's all. really cause like me daydreaming about how miserable hes going to be doesn't mean anything cause the only way this ends well is If I never speak to him again. alas I keep checking my phone for that little symbol. Ashley ott texted me in the middle of the night and It reminded me of when he texted me at 2am and I had to remind myself it wasn't him. he isn't good enough of a person. REALY. BELIVE IT MICHELLE THIS IS THE TRUTH. he would never swallow his pride. he would never apologize out of the bblue as time goes on all he does is adapt he wll never turn around. the text would have to start with please don't delete this and I know you hate me but. and honestly as good as it would feel to have these victory moments the true victory will never happen. this whole month is going to go by. he wont even tell me happy bday I know he wont. like all the thoughts I had of him being miserable wont happen. hes going to be fine because the only thing he cares about is bodybuilding and he wll be able to do that. the ONLY WAY im going to be okay AT ALL is if I freaking just go the fuck on and try my best to think about him less and less. that's what I hate I think about him all the time. today is a week from valentines day. I have to forget those memories somehow or like bury them. push them away cause they don't help and God I need a miracle to help me with this psychosis. the believer is 20x stronger than the doubter its in my whole body in my bones. I cant...idk. I need help. ill try my best to keep telling myself these things. I have to. but I still feels wrong. but I will not give into the believer. you know why? because then id be believing a lie. with no evidence. id be walking around here with hope. checking my phone thinking I know eventually ill see that block sign. but I wont. and as the week goes on next week i'll be even more sad. ill have to relive the disappointment all over again when he doesn't text me on my bday. and then ill be weak and probably want to text him. and id say wow its super great you couldn't even text me on my bday and hed probably either not respond or say something really mean cause I said I hated him. n0thing good comes from this God. Nothing good comes from believing when it comes to him.normally something bad would've happened by now. and he would be texting me. but no. theres nothing. he ended it. he wanted this. he chose his stupid goals over me. like..hes the one that walked away. he didn't feel enough to keep him around it will never change I gave all I could. I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to like wakeup everyday hoping It might be the day I don't want to like spring break comes around and im still thinking we might go to the phil heath together I don't want to think about the plans we had. im off on my bday ...like its so hard already not to think about these things. about how easy it would be to fix but like he doesn't want to and that's the bottom line I never wanted to accept but I have to and I have to move on. God PLEASE I really really really need your help. cause im not strong enough to change my whole way of thinking but these thoughts are wrong they are lies I want them out of my head. please. help me with this im trying to do the right thing I AM doing the right thing but I don't want to believe in him anymore I want to go on with my life and not think about him. I cant even picture getting through the month without talking to him. I cant picture going all the way to the show without talking to him. like and never seeing him. this truly being over. I want to believe the doubter God that voice is right PLEASE help me fix  my thoughts and get on the right track so I can heal God its not about him he is fine he is going on with life getting a new job surrounded by people that love him and pamper him and I want to forget he exists. PLEASE. theres so many emotions I have to bottle up. so many questions that will never get answered and this what if..could haunt me forever but I don't want that. I want to do what seems impossible and let it go and move on and be okay. so help me get through each day help me not talk to him or about him. PLEASE.


ill be honest with you God I don't always feel as strong I need you. I need to find a cripture that applies because this poor heart God...its been through so much...it didn't deserve it it doesn't understand it and it loves that boy and it just isn't strong enough not to believe. and to hope and it hurts me :( my bday...like...I wanted him to come. and he could've spent the night with me and im off on sunday like this is hard. but I WANT to be strong. I want to like get through the week and I want to get through my bday without speaking to him and without like...I just want to be okay. this is his proble God he should be the one hurting not me. but its always me and it hurts like hell and im sick of it.please please please please PLEASE help me do this I need you and I am weak. PLEASE.