So Ive basically been "in love" with the devil

Hes just a fucking bad person. I should've gone with my feeling and not given him a chance that night cause he is just the worlds biggest dick. his response was well maybe if you weren't always 100 mph and always wanting more youd be more chill and happy. idk what else to say goodnight. so I went off. told him he ruined my bday. that this was not my fault and that no matter how attractive he may get he cant hide his ugly heart and no fake ass church attendance can save him but at least he got free car maintanence. yes that's what I said. I said fuck you youre a bad person you use people and youre MEAN to people who don't deserve it and you don't deserve anything you have. and i told him he breaks everything he touches. and he took the time to decline my relationship request now. well idk if that's the case I did delete it first but I didn't think it would ..anyway. so basically my bday weekend is ruined. I was getting better but now im back at square one. feeling like a MOTHERFUCKING IDIOT. I need to stay away from boys and everyone because apparently all I know how to do is fuck shit up. I try to seem confident but in reality I don't understand people I usually feel like an outcast and im socially awkward which fucking sucks. ii am praying so hard right now because like I am just so like unhappy with myself and my life. I wakeup everyday wishing I could go back to sleep cause I know all that awaits me is work and school and I hate both. the best part of my day is sleep but I also hate when the day ends because I know anoher one is going to start. im depressed and miserable. I cannot believe he would kick me while im down. he is just the biggest piece of shit. literally hes gotten worse like throughout the encounter we'll call it, he has just shown me more and more how morally piss poor he is. his soul is black. the boy feels no obligation to do the right thing ever or anything for anyone else hes basically a narcissist. and im just like...im disgusted by him and I hate the part of me that still want shim to come to my bday. now I have a massive group of couples I get to spend my bday putting on a show pretending im happy for. but im miserable and it wont stop. it just keeps getting worse. it was better I should've deleted that text. not because it was bad cause it wasn't but because it brought about all this, when you fuck up the way he did you come back crawling on your knees. if youre a decent person but he really truly isn't. the boy is going to lose everything. or hell he probably wont pieces of shit seem to be ok in life. the only way hes going to change is if he gets injured. and even then it would have to just...it would take a while for him to stiop pitying himself. I personally like...I have nothing but negative feelings associated with him now. he never makes me happy. the thought of him gives me anxiety ive never had anyone rob me blind like he did and feel no remorse. he responded but I deleted it cause im not letting him say anything else mean to me. he is literally going to get to skip my bday. his answer was bullshit so I told him I was going to take it down and blah blah. basically how I felt about him bullshitting and he blamed it on me I was like so much for not bashing nice to know how you really feel about me. I know hes mad now so it probably wont even sink in but I hope my words hurt cause they were all true and he NEEDS A MOTHERFUCKING WAKEUP CALL. what a fucking piece of damn shit. seriously. but its all good cause I hate everything about his life. I hate his morals. I hate his thought processes. I hate his influences. I haven't even met his family and I don't like them or his friends because of how he acted they already don't like me. I hate everyone he hangs around I have no interest in going to Houston shows or like mingling with these little cool cliques until ater I go pro because they don't respect you without a title and I don't need to kiss anyones ass these people cant do anything for me. I don't wat naything to do with anyone In cypress all these wishy washy motherfuckers and that stupid gym. tomorrow is Friday. my fucking party is Saturday now I have to ...I cannot believe this I want to cancel the fucking party. it sounded like fun but honestly like now it just doesn't. im so fucking mad id rather just go home after work. and vefore I was okay with girls night. seriously. everything he touches he breaks he hasn't even seen me. when he was down and out with problems he brought on himself I took time out of my stressful life and took a massive risk to be there for him and I paid for it then here he has a second chance HE SAID HE WANTED and hes a fucking dick. just fucking...I fucked up. and he fucked up. all we do in eachothers even virtual presence is fuck up. idk why I didn't see this. just like Anthony. not meant to be. its to the point anytime we get near eachother or try its going to be misery that ensues so its time to just fucking stop. like...seriously though. I don't want to do the challenge im not getting any people I don't fucking know what to do. and I NEED THAT MONEY TO COMPETE. I want to get off fb and instagram completely for a fucking month but yea without the challenge I cant cmpete. im so miserable. this is like rock bottom God please help me I need things to start looking up. I hate myself for this. and I just hate everything right now. please please please I need some positive reinforcement in my life God I need you real bad. im so srry to complain im trying so hard but everything is hard and horrible and unmootivating and I hate every second I just want it all to stop. and its so much. I want to feel better but now this like.....I shouldn't have read it. I would've been over it it wouldvebeen girls night. im so mad at so many people now I want these negative people out of my mental space. him and dustyn these are not friends. he blocked me :(.........how dare he. God when does it end.