Todays the Day :(

So he didn't answer me yesterday. I can't wait. I really liked that we had the open communication that we had developed of being honest. but when it comes to ending it. hes so....quiet. hes avoiding me.. has been for days. like.. I told him id move. and I will. I have no issue with that at all id actually love something cheaper to be quite honest. this has been a struggle. but yea like...idk. God please help me please put your blessing on us please open up our hearts and allow us to have this conversation and just....so both sides get whats best for them. as far as my feelings...I had horrible anxiety this morning. spent hours trying to get rid of it. got up to go to class though I knew id be late and ended up getting in the car at the time class started so I just didn't go. i'll work on physics work today. I really just want to have a conversation im sick of the silence I guess maybe I should've just said okay. today i'll have to no matter how much It hurts. which it will but im not in class so itll be a great day to go ahead and get it out. but I mean damn we have just come SO FAR. six months. he came back to me twice. I don't like trying to read his mind I like talking about it. he basically cut me off because he likes me too much and considers me an obstacle. I don't want to jynx myself God have my back please but honestly there is an obvious solution here. if he will just introduce me to his family. we can see eachother. I would go to his moms anytime I could. every weekend. we could do our cardio together i'll bring my food. we could hangout with areeb and his sister. like whatever. If we have to go a little while without seeing eachother that sucks BUT like its better than just ending things forever. how can this last? it never has before. you cant cut off your heart. its easy to do with friends. easy. they don't really make you happy. I KNOW. honestly this needs to end today either he needs to say yes lets figure it out which honestly in my opinion would take a miracle or go ahead and send me his release papers and I will send him the I want whats best for you text I have typed up. he has like....12 texts from me that he hasn't answered. its getting ridiculous. I want to talk to him. today. i'll cry i'll be miserable but I need to be able to get up without the anxiety I have tests and I just need to go on with my life. Honestly...I'm sick of fighting for this when he wont. I know now that he feels how I feel hes just so obsessed with bodybuilding and scared to fail. But he wont. and I know keeping me around would be the best decision he ever made BUT if he won't make it then there's nothing I can do. I am ready for what he says. I'm ready to cry and be upset and then finally move on. Because he has been running to and from me for 6 months and if he thinks he is better off without me honestly he just might be and I hate to say it. But I have goals too. I don't NEED him anymore I choose him. I have professionals to help me and goals. I want to be with him but I'm sick of him like being wishy washy. I just went ahead and sent it. He hasn't responded to me since Saturday. I can't do this. I can't wake up everyday with anxiety I can't cry everyday and spend all my time praying that he'll come around he leaves me in the dark. The moment he finally gave in to his feelings for me would be the moment his life would just get so much better if he would just let himself feel. I know now ill get a hallmark response of how he will always cheer for me blah blah it means nothing. hes a scaredy pants. I love him and I want to be with him but im strong now. I can do this. I can do a lot. and now I know because of him I will do I alone because I cant look at anyone else I cant be with anyone else I don't wan tto. its fine. God thank you for my strength. I'm working on my challenge. and school. and my body. and my brand. and growing. and I just....I can't be with somebody that only cares about one thing. and that just won t let me in. whats the point. he always said it right we could be everything but he doesn't want it. and I cant guarantee his success honestly I know hes messing up by doing this. but God will take care of me. I don't want to like...just fight alone anymore. its sad cause I know he wants to be with me. h just wont let himself and that's sad. theres more to life. I cant be caught up in this. hes going to get burnt out doing what hes doing that he thinks works. I went ahead and sent the text. its whatever. not what I want but ive been patient ive been understanding I cant just...idk. this is holding me back. I have stuff to do. maybe God is letting this happen so I can succeed. I cant worry about him anymore. once thing ive learned from him is you cant control people. things aren't always as they should be. because of people. ad the most important factor of a relationship is two people that want it to work. and I know for a fact with all my heart he had a choice to make. and yes I will get hurt. if he had made the right choice we would both be happy and blessed and BOTH succeed. but hes not hes going to make the wrong choice. But I believe and I had faith and I stayed close to God and I gave it my all so I know God will have my back and make sure I prosper either way. But he is going to make the wrong choice. and because of that there will be consequences. its not about being focused or your goals. its about appreciating what you have and not throwing away the present for the future and that's what hes doing. he says its worked in the past but I mean..yea no. it hasn't. he hasn't ever done well at a show he just looked good. and he is in a very hard field and he's super naïve and hes letting go of the one thing thatll keep him sane. yes I could use him right now my life is hard and very unmotivating but its okay I have God and I'll pray and I'll get through it somehow. Thank you God for my strength that you've helped me develop. if not only because of that everything was worth it. I have a positive attitude now no regrets. and Im looking forward. idk if he'll ever respond. but I know he'll thi nk of me. the mood hes in right now will pass. and yea...idk if im going to be receptive next time he comes back. so far it hasn't been worth it. I thought this was the last time but now I know bodybuilding will always come first and no matter how supportive I am itll never be good enough. so I just have to let him ...suffer. I HATE to say it. but I know that's whats in store for him. no good comes from life without me for him. but he chose it. so yea. idk. I know i'll cry. i'll miss him. but im tired of him half assing. I am. we were happy. WE WERE SO HAPPY. and he threw it all down the drain AGAIN. like. I have to let him. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to. its easy. introduce me to your family. I will come to you. EASY. fucking deal with driving. grow the fuck up. EASY. easy easy easy. the show is out here you could stay with me things would be SO PERFECT. but he just...doesn't think like me. hes niot a problem solver. which is fine. not everyone is. but hes just not like...as positive of a t hinker. he doesn't realize that life is about synergy. I know I would be the best influence on him. I would give him unconditional love. all my attention. and everything a person can give someone. a life. loyalty. consistency. reliability. support. marriage. a family. and he would die having lived a full life. but he doesn't want that. he wants an empty life chasing these dreams. and now I truly accept and realize I cannot make this realization for him. and I cannot save him from the road hes going down. I don't care what sam motherfucking mcguffy says. I know God and I know His will and the way he works and I know that he has a plan. ad Ive seen my own tears when I try to control it. if you ignore the plan youre in for a life of disappointment. Him turning away from me is going to be the biggest mistake of his life.