Feeling way better today than I thought I would

So today has been great. Woke up late cause I have my alarm set for Tuesdays -_- but I did make it to my psych appt and got my meds. SO will take those tonight and shouldn't wakeup with anxiety in the morning :) Yay. Today I didn't really. I mean I had a little but it was fine. I haven't felt sad I think I'm really just at that stage where I'm ready to stop living a lie. That boy is just...crap. And I see his true colors now. Everybody is fooled but he realy like I don't wish ill on him but I know something is going to happen. Like honestly if he got injured and couldn't compete this year it would probably be so good for him. Because like..I mean LEGITIMATELY not as a punishment. Just as like..i thought the Chris thing would be enough but it wasn't. He needs to lose more to look inside himself cause he really didn't. He still did the same thing to me. He has to wakeup and see what's important in life and that he won't succeed by selling his soul. Like theres more to life than bodybuilding. if he didn't have bodybuilding what would he do? I think it's important that that question be asked like in his heart he needs to reevaluate and I pray God reaches out to him Like he did to me when I was young and brings him closer to Him and als just helps him grow into a better person and shows him the true valu in life so he can enjoy it. This road hes on is just the wrong one. Like..just in general if he does succeed hes going to have to travel so he needs to stop BSing about like hiding away and learn to deal. like obstacles he said if he has obstacles he'll lose. avoiding obstacles is weakness. he needs to get strong enough to overcome them. duh. the world wont always be convenient for him. I don't even want to be a part of his life honestly cause its just so shitty. hes helpless and im over it he needs to NOT get his way as much as possible its good for him. I mean I been listening to Britney and It helped put things in perspective. I am so much further ahead than I was when I met him. Im so much stronger. Im heart broken but my recovery time is AWESOME. I can actually walk away and not go back AND no one even knows! I haven't posted on fb I haven't like told friends or mutual friends im not plotting. I was going to go to the phil heath to show off but like I don't even want him to see me. he wanted me out. he wanted me cut off. so like...YOU GOT IT BRO. like..i know he needs me. BAD. and I saw a post that said psychological studies say that a crush will only last for maximum 4 months so if it goes over that youre already in love. hard to believe but I mean its been 6. like he thinks its going to be so easy for him to get over me but really its the other way around. as I get stronger hes going to get worse because his life is meaningless. there are going to be constant reminders. and I am not fucking talking to him. he might see me tagged in mutual friends photos but that's fucking it. im not speaking to him. what is there to say. like unless this mofo wants to say I love you too we can go from there but other than that what does he even have to offer me. im not fucking moving to cypress. I would in a heart beat for someone who loved me and was good to me but with him I have neither. NEITHER. I feel like without me his life is going to fall apart. 6 months. 6 full months and he hasn't gone 4 days without hearing from me but WATCH ME. this time like...im done. there is nothing left. I don't even see him how I used to. at all. I see now. I cant be blinded by myemotions I see that no matter what like I DONT NEED HIM in fact like if he adds nothing to my life...why. im okay alone I really am I have SO much to do time is going to fly by anyway. this year I have so many huge awesome opportunities and I really don't need any of his crap. I know hes going to think about me every single day. and his resolve is going to weaken. because hes going to be bored and lonely and no one can take my place. theres no one that loves him besides friends and family. hes got no one really to talk to about what he goes through no one he can be his true fucked up self to. and he will keep fucking up. life ONLY gets better with me. and he made a poor choice so shits going downhill. I don't have a wonderful feeling about my fit but for his moms sake I hope it works out so he can learn some motherfucking responsibility. what a peaceful moment right now. just chillin. warm. its rainiong outside it sounds so peaceful and watery. techala is just watching it. I feel great. maybe its the doxiderol but I mean...just thank you God for whatever reason I feel good. anyway. I know im going to hear from him. this is going to hurt him cause hes in the wrong. and my bday is next weekend and I know hes going to remember and I know he probably planned on being with me. he will probably go to the phil heath I wont hear about it or see it. he might do something over spring break probably not. I wont know he difference. and the only way he'll even get the privilege of seeing me is if he sees me tagged in someone elses pics with whom we happen to be mutual friends. so eventually I will have the last laugh. learning from the past applied to now..thats what happens. today or tomorrow is not going to be a good day for him. and this time if he reaches out I will ignore him. for the FULL months. til the 20th because there is nothing in it for me talking to him or anything. absolutely nothing. when he tells me happy bday im going to ignore him and that's going to bother him. and when he says something to me ABOUT ignoring him which he will eventually im going to ignore him then and that will bother him even more. eventually hes going to be begging me to talk to him WHY because its human fucking nature and im strong enough now. all I have to do is wait. he has said he wanted this but when he came back he fucked up. he told me he goes to my IG> well guess what you cant anymore :) and then the next day he tried to go to my fb well guess what you cant anymore :) it will make him desperate because he has NEVER felt rejected or unwanted by me. he should've. many times but I was too weak and too kind but im not anymore. I have SO MUCH TO DO and look forward to and not only do I not need him I NEED to stay away from him as far as possible. you will not see me. you will not hear from me. you wont be able to prove I exist. cause this is what YOU wanted. and I have a good ass feeling about how things are going to turn out for me and I know what I need to do too. and I can. cause talking to you doesn't even feel good. knowing youre suffering does. right now you might be fine. you were probably like oh WOW with everything I said yesterday thinking im a bitch. and then thinking I went way overboard saying I love you and you could never love me so you know you did the right thing and you just want to forge.t but its going to get to you. why? because the things I said are true. 100% and I know how it feels when someone criticizes you with the truth. your feelings and your ego gets super hurt and you cant let it go. youre not strong enough to be different from every human in the world and youll be like everyone else and want what you cant have. you don't seem like the type to run back and apologize. or go back to an ex. BUT you've never been the perpetrator before me. you don't know how to deal with it being your fault. I said I hated you. that had to sting. its going to bother you for a while. theres unfinished business we had no issues and you ruined it on purpose. guilt and regret is going to get to you and there will be a hole in your heart where I was it may take time to feel but just wait. its just going to bother you and bother you especially since you realize you deserve it. you may be mad now. but the anger will wear off by the end of this weekend.i give it four days. and then youre going to remember only the good things. and youre going to feel a lack. and miss me. and im going to appear like an angel to you. and the guilt and regret will get worse. idk how long it will take but life will do you no favors. you are wrong and you will suffer and the only person who can fix it is me so you willr each out. and I have to be strong enough to not reach down and help you up. you gotta deal with this yourself. and I don't have to try to speak It into existence its not wishful thinking anymore its the truth ive been the one in the wrong before. theres nothing. theres no excuse. and you DO have feelings for me. you WILL miss me. and you will feel the regret its enough to seriously make you sick. but theres nothing you could do to get me back. I don't want you back. because you suck and you cant stop sucking over night. you would have to come back crying. crawling on your knees taking full responsibility and feeling like absolute shit you would have to be desperate for ME and just completely broken down. you would have to SAY that you need me. and SAY that you love me too. you would have to want a relationship. otherwise you serve no purpose your a bull in a china shop all you do is tear shit up. unless you come to be wanting to make it up to me. and be with me and finally valuing me feeling like absolute shit like you need me to survive and cant go another day. idk. its not completely impossible. but most likely youll just go on. focusing on the same shit you've always focused on. you. and feeling like a victim like you did with chris when you weren't a victim at all. he didn't stab you in the back. you stabbed him in the back. youre a moocher. you use people. there are so many things about you that are absolutely hideous. you wont hear a kind word out of my mouth ever again you have no idea how cold I can be. and I reserve the right to do so because you NEED it. and everytime you don't get your way and actually have to work for something in your life you would benefit. me. im taking this month. im not talking to you and I pray the month after I do the exact same thing and ignore you for the rest of my life cause I don't need you as a friend you bring nothing to the table you wont come see me you wont introduce me to your mom. THE fuck. like who wants a bullshit ass relationship. there is just...these coming moments will be the only consolation for me. I know im going to get every bit of feel goodness I possibly can out of it because that's how it works. the tables are going to turn and im so ready. I know this. ive watched it. im always right. honestly and if you don't say anything on my bday it doesn't even matter. that just means youre an even bigger asshole than I thought. but I know you care about me and you have very strong feelings for me and theyre only going to get stronger now. and when we finally see eachother at that show im going to feel awesome but its going to kill you. and I cant wait. that is what this relation.ship is now that you ended it. pain for you awesomeness for me. and you deserve every second. today was a really good day now im going to study. I feel good about myself ive been sticking with my diet all week and I plan to continue on to my bday so I can wear something sexy and look fine. I paid cherika so im no longer in debt. just gotta pay rent. im praying I get bonus tomorrow that would be amazing then id really be on track. now my focus is just staying on track with my program and getting ready for kim. and also getting this challenge together. I want 2650. that's enough to pay cherika. pay my depost in march and then pay the rest for kim and my suit. and ill have another challenge before the actual show. so yay :) Thak you God for being in my corner and letting it pay to have faith and even though I didn't really get my way with this I still feel amazing about myself and my life and I know wonderful things lie ahead! I love you!