Nothing Has Changed

I almost wished he had never texted me. it had to kind of dawn on me hey we didnt stop talking because he was living with chris or smoking too much or anything. i walked away because of how i feel about him and he doesnt feel it for me. he was totally fine with me going on a date with someone else/ so i mean i said id start over today and wouldnt talk to em. but i did. sent em the taylor swift song so he finally heard it. he told me he was out of the house. his friends helped em. i mean...damn. still invivisble. just there when he needs me. its a damn shame. he basically just used me...what..to get em through this? but still doesnt see me. its horrible honestly. feels like shit. to be just....nonexistent and mean nothing to him. i know ill be okay and it wont hurt forever but it hurts now. i thought this was going to bring him back to me. today i told em things had to go back to how they were. basically that id be there if he needed me but he doesnt. and that i had to protect myself and stay away from him. i actually thought for one second he might actually stop me. and tell me he did need me. the other day he said he missed me but apparently not like i miss hm. fucking A this situation is SO FUCKED UP. and i am not happy. but i know that honestly..i mean he just said ok thank you for everything and talking me through this and let me know if you ever need anything? so hes just letting me go. and we wont ever speak again. i wanted it to hurt him i wanted him to be like no i cant lose you too. i want him to cry for me like he did for chris but im nothing to him and it hurts me so motherfucking much.im as alone as i wanna be. no him no dustyn.jealous as hell of her. he was perfect back in the day. and it turned into this clusterfuck. i thought he was gunna wanna see me and wed be starting over and hed pursue me. i thought hed either come see me here finally or want me to come meet his mom. i cant believe i let myself think these things again. he really does make me wanna crawl under a rock but you know what i prefer this pain over the hope because this pain will lead to acceptance and peace. God he broke my heart SO MUCH. please. ive done the right thing. im walking away from the thing i love most in this world and its easy because the thing i love most doesnt love me at all. im not even an OPTION for him anymore i never wanna hear his voice or his name or see his face again i wanna forget he exists and never be reminded. im so sick of crying over this mofo and he has no idea how hard this has been for me but i was there for him. i just...i don think things are going to get better for him without me. last time i walked away he lost his job. never got it back. this time i walked away he lost his best friend and his apartment. he has so many people that love him and have his back. im just...i dont have a place. well i do. he does need me. he just doesnt see that. im the best thing for him and the only good thing that has happened to him. the only consistent positive thing. and i might as well be a grain of sand. it kills me but whatever/. niow im where i wanna be. alone. i can suffer as i need to and just focus on school and my workouts and just get through work and do my best. i gotta be alone i dont need anymore pressure. i just...this is fine. he may never see me. but if one day hes invisible to me too ill be okay and thats what im working towards. i larned my lesson i got my karma i dont want to hurt anymore. so..i guess its best he let me go. i just wish i meant something to him. i wish this wouldve woken him up. but hes so selfish. he just...doesnt see anything but himself. i just have to reengineer my thoughts and shut my heart up. we're not meant to be. he will never love me. this was a mistake. he's not the one. and this is the end. no matter what we can never speak or see eachother agaib. he is 100% useless to me and i dont want him turning to me with his issues. next time im just going to ignore him. i dont owe him anything else. but i pray that if i mean nothing to him..we never even cross paths again. that would be the biggest blessing. I DO NOT WANT HIM AS A FRIEND. AT ALL. i want nothing to do with him. i was wrong. i accept it. but i dont need to be tortured for it. God dont let him use me again please.