post-breakdown rationality

watching a disney movie on Netflix. so. yea. the last thing I said to him when i saw that he blocked me (which really hurt) was something like YOU block ME? fucking jackass. thats fine you can act like you're mad at me like this is my fault but everything I said was true. Eventually youre going to have to stop blaming everyone else and face yourself. now you have a permanent enemy gosh youre good at making those but it must be all of us couldn't possibly be your black soul. go ahead and tell everyone how horrible i am but remember if you keep down the road youre on youll eventually lose them too. not completely over it but I am very relieved because I just prayed and confessed honestly the big mess I've made and turned it over to God. I just told him there are a lot of things ive made a mess of and that are stressing me majorly. number one being my broken heart that is still not healed from corey and the fact that im in love with such a horrible person. I pray that somehow he gets through to him like he did to me but right now I need help. second being school. I cant focus and im very behind and im terrified that im not going to pass. third being that I really want to compete. for me and I want to do well but I cant afford to do the things I want to do without the challenge. its a great program and I know my calling is to help people and there are people who need to hear my message but I cant reach them and asked him to please bring them to me. all I need is 15 people. im doing what I can i'm looking for a new assistant via craigslist and I will start promoting again on Monday. Then I will also have before and afters for people which always helps. God please put your blessing on me and help me with this. I cancelled the party. I just need this time to heal and I don't want to be surrounded by couples putting on a show. I need to heal, do schoolwork, and not talk to anyone for a while. I just need my space. I have tonight and tomorrow off so Im watching a movie. tomorrow I plan on getting a long back workout in and just...not talk to anyone. I have no deadlines until Saturday so lots of time to finish my work. I really wish things didn't end the way they did but I know honestly this is for the best. sometimes that's what it takes and some bridges need to be burned. I don't think I can be okay until he is out of my life and his memory no longer lingers. I don't want anyone who makes me feel not good enough I don't need that negativity. I know one day someone established and successful and beautiful inside and out is going to take one look at me and decide he has to have me. I want to be pursued. til then im going to do whatever I can to be able to do the things that make me happy. depending on how the challenge goes I really would like to have a photoshoot. a freaking sexy one. but I gotta get in great shape though. nothing makes me feel better than being extremely successful and super hot. none of my exes can look back and show their friends me and their friends not tell them theyre an idiot. I will make it impossible for him not to regret this. I know im a wonderful person and the best he could ever hope to get. the next time he sees me im going to be in amazing shape with a body to die for. perfect skin. long pretty hair and just doing freaking awesome and im never going to stop. school sucks my life is a nightmare for me right now but im going to keep praying and just take social pressure off myself. honestly, and remove ALL negative ass people from my life. I know the things I said are eventually hes going to be like ugh she was right. now I know for sure I wont see him this weekend and he wont tell me happy bday. cause hes playing the victim and I may have overreacted but what he did after valentines day was wrong and he has done nothing to help me trust him. I had anxiety because he was being weird and he just wouldn't accept the damn request. I shouldn't have done it. I didn't know it was going to be so huge. i just wanted to see if he had changed and he hasn't and being with himf eels wrong after all hes done and what little remorse hes shown. i thought when hetold me he went to church he was going to be saying like...idk that he was trying to work on his faith. my next bf needs to be a positive Christian man. and not so jacked up i want him to know who he is and me not have to "fix" him. but yea like hes just fucking scum morally. like the way he was talking about his stepmom im convinced every relationship in his life that's jacked up is that way because hes a giant piece of flaming shit. hes like yea i played that shit really well cause i knew kissing a little ass would help me out. REALLY? ridiculous. hes going to die alone if he doesn't change. i don't want to see him ever again except him watchin me win. that's it. other than that like...great. you blocked me. youre a piece of shit i never should've unblocked you. God sees what you do he hears what you say and how you treat people. he owes me and chris an apology to be honest but out of everyone in this world hes done wrong it is MOSTLY ME. and i mean idk how he sleeps i hope he feels like shit and i know he will but it wont matter he better stay the fuck away from me. when the anger melts away my words will still haunt them cause theyre true and he can talk shit but what he says wont be true and i don't care what his nobody never leave cypress lets stay in highschool sheisty ass friends think. i don't need to make friends or impress any of these Houston ass nobody ass people. when i go pro they'll wanna be my friend. i am going to do big things this year and build my following and how everyone what im made of. i have something to prove to myself and him and i think this is a big step in a positive direction getting rid of the thing that's been holding me back. without him i will stabilize and be a lot better. more confident and just at peace. i hate his job i hate his friends i hate his mindset i hate how he acts like he doesn't know wht a relationship is supposed to be like hes like fucking tyree. and he was SO mad at me but he realized i was right. they all do. but there is no hope for him. i want better. i want to be pursued. by someone who has their shit together and can add to my life instead of take from it. who thinks im amazing and will fight for me and take care of me when im sick and bend over backwards to make me happy and i will do the same. and ill post it everywhere cause hell let me and hell do it too and we will be a power couple. instead of this ghetto bullshit he deserves whatever reggie ass girl he ends up with. me, i know im going to be okay. this is just the final step and it hurts the thing he said and that he ended it this way but he doesn thave that much on me honestly. theres always holes in his story. and people who don't like me areweird. all he ever did was make me sad and anxious and miserable and im glad i don't have to deal with that fucking bullshit anymore. today and tomorrow are going to be all about me.