New Beginnings...Its almost like IM SCARED to get over him

Maybe its cause my comfort zone. idk. but today I talked to Lori Harder on the phone. Im actually glad I did because i wasnt going to...but i talked to her about a lot of things. i think as usual ive been itting on talent because im scared to leave behind what i know. scared to embrace not fitting in and blazing my own trail. ive downsized my dreams. and im happy to have someone like her in my life. i call her my mentor. thinking of getting on bored with isagenix. but i know itll set me apart from the fitness industry...that doesnt really accept me and isnt impressed by me anyway so what does it matter. i still want to compete. maybe this will help? idk. all i know is i want to make more and be a lot more well off than this industry allows. ANOTHER thing that even though i had a great vconvo with her it actually ended up putting me in a mood bc it made me realize...i would be like outgrowing Corey. idk why the FUCK im still considering him in my life plans when this nigga doesnt even want me! yea im ratchet but this nigga has definitely proved himself to be just that..A NIGGA. a trife one at that. idk. i guess part of me still like..no like im gunna be real. i still want like this to be his wakeup call. i want this to cause him to respect me. that i finally stopped putting up with his shit. i want this to make him see that he has something good and finally give him time to think and come to his senses. i want this to make him like own up to what i been telling him all along that if he didnt have any feelings for me we would not have spent that time together and he wouldnt have wanted to be close to me. its just not like that with a boy towards a girl. the physical i understand but he took it too far. and im sick of him acting like that. i realized i initiated but he let me do all that. but its whatever this is what he wanted and this is what hes going to get. i would love if he ever cared enough like ..if he texted me on vday it would mean a lot. even if just to say happy vday. if he texts me on my bday depending on what it says that would mean a lot. idk i want someone who wants me. and if he ever wanted me hed have to work for it. thats what i reget. not setting a higher price on myself. i want HIM to initiate and say hey can we talk or like will you come see me and i'll say if you'll come to me then yes. and if he wont hes not worth it ya know. i always drove over there. its bullshit that hes skipping vday and my bday. i want him to say hey this was 100% my fault. you were only ever good to me i dont know why i was such a jerk to you and i am truly truly sorry i was wrong. youre worth everything you wanted. i cant buy you everything and take you out all the time cause obviously im a bum and all my money is tied up BUT i never understood but you never cared. you truly cared about me as a person a nd you were so right. im finally realizing how rare that is and i shouldnt have just thrown you away. i was wrong when i said i had no feelings for you. you cutting me out completely made me realize i did. i just was scared. you were so sure and i never was. and ive never had anyone spoil me like you did. i guess like i said it scared me so i acted like a dick. i really cant apologize enough and if i was you i know i probably wouldnt accept my apology either. you gave me chance after chance to man up and be good to you and i didnt even try. if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and give me one more i promise i wont take you for granted anymore. i do appreciate you and i do respect you andi do value you and i was an idiot for not doing it before. youre everything a guy could ever want. only a retard would throw you away. and im so sorry. you have every right to hate me and ill understand if you do. but i dont hate you. i like you and care about you a lot and i do miss you and want you back. i dont know what else to say. i shouldve let you take as many pics as you wanted and post them wherever you wanted. i shouldve been there for you on valentines day and on your bday. im an asshole. but i said it before and ill say it now and mean it i can turn off the asshole switch for you. you deserve the world but all you ever wanted was me. maybe you were right maybe i dont deserve you but i do want you and i do need you. you are the only girl whos ever cared about me truly like that. and i miss you. i want to see you and kiss you and cuddle and it does mean something. i was so wrong to act like it didnt and im so very sorry i never wanted to hurt you but i didnt think losing you would hurt me but it did. at first i didnt think so but as time went on and i see you on fb i started to realize what i had and that i was the one who was stupid and id be the one missing out. you were right about everythig. we are awesome together and could be everything you wanted us to be. i didnt want it before but i do now. let me make it up to you i can be the person you always believed i was. and i wont hurt you anymore. we can compete together and go pro and do everything we planned to do. im just so used to doing everything alone but i want you with me. i hope you can give me a second chance if not i will settle for friendship because i want you in my life.

ha, like that'd ever happen. but whatever. it makes me sad and my pride is hurt but i dont want someone who doesnt want me. i will not pursure boys anymore im retiring from the hunt. i want someone who wants me.who values me for everything i am. im gorgeous and sweet and funny and have so much going for me and so much love to give i make peoples lives better not worse and he was wrong to act like i was a burden. completely. i don love him. i dont know him so how could i. and yesterday could very well be the last time we ever speak or see eachother. or at least like until a show or whatever idk. and honestly i dont need anymore friends. at all. i have some really good ones and im over having ANY that dont benefit me and add positively to my life. dont want anyone in my life at all that makes me feel not good enough or self conscious or that i have to chase. i dont need to chase people. im such a sweet good hearted person with a gigantic heart and so much love to give. it doesnt matter how i look even though that is another plus. it doesnt establish my value i am ten times more beautiful on the inside as i am on the outside and i can establish my confidence in that and that God has a love and a purpose for me. im meant to do big things and i cant settle for mediocre and just..crap. i am worth and deserve more than that. i spoil the crap out of people i dont ever want another boy who doesnt like me enough to make me his gf. and i dont ever want another bf who doesnt think im important enough or good enough to spoil. i want someone who wants me to be happy and enjoys making me happy and sees me as precious and a blessing. not a burden. because that shows a lack of character. and if corey cant see that. that i am valuable and should be cherished and doesnt think im the girl for him then hes not the one and i have to let him go even though its hard cause if he doesnt think im the one how can he be the one for me. i dont ever want to be that girl again. i have to guard my heart. take things slow. keep my head about me. no matter how good it feels at first it could turn into absolute disaster like this did. but the way he treated me was wrong. denying everything and that he ever had feelings for me was wrong. not appreciating me and taking me for granted and making me feel like a burden was wrong. the way he treated me was wrong. using me and letting me do everything was wrong. not making me his gf was wrong. he shouldve let me do whatever i wanted and given me what i wanted cause it wasnt too much and he had the ability to give it to me he just didnt want to and in general for how this whole thing went down he was wrong and i do hope he thinks about it and i do hope it bothers him and i do hope it causes him to rethink things and see them differently, and see ME differently. and if it does i will be happy. but his apology means nothing if he doesnt man up and admit he did have feelings for me. that he wasnt just pressured. he let me come over cause he wanted me to. he kissed me and held me and cuddled me and was sweet to me because he liked me. and he needs to admit that it wasnt all me. period. and apologize for denying it and ever acting like it was my fault. and say thannk you for all i did i want true remorse. but honestly if hes sticking to this story of never having feelings for me and just feeling pressured and not liking me and just not wanting me then i dont need to hear from him ever again in my whole life. if i have to do this whole thing drug free then i will. i definitely am not getting them from him. im not driving to cypress. i dont want to it doesnt feel right nothing feels right because its wrong i am so seruous i dont want to hear from him if he really doesnt want me he needs to let me go. and him never reaching out wont be surprising but it will hurt. everything hurts when it comes to him but its ok because in time somehow by the same miracle that God always places in my life, i will forget. i will forgive myself and i will be okay. but i mean right now im a little broken. i dont need to date. i dont need to LOOK. i dont need to be manic and trying to start all these new things. i dont need to put myself in a place where i feel pressured to get better quickly when i cant. im hurt.and i need to give myself time to heal. so i think itll be best to kind of take a break from the social stuff. not go out. not wear a crap ton of makeup not take a bunch of pics and post to instagram everyday. only get on fb for the group. i think once a week even for that is fine. people can survive without me. anyone who really needs me or knows me has my number. i just need...a break from all that. worrying about how i look or how people see me or gaining a following or whatever. i dont need to look cute or impress right now. i just want to like how i look but i dont need to go crazy. i just need space and time alone to work on me and get back to feeling good and ready to face the world again. plus i need desparatedly to catch up in school. and get back strict on my diet. break these bad habits. get my workouts and cardio in. i just have to get my shit together and people add stress i need time to myself. a small hiatus and ill be okay. God help me b with me give me love and strength and peace to get past this and let it go. i want to stop daydreaming and holding on but it feels wrong i need you to just help me keep walking away from this until its out of sight and mind and i cant see it anymore. in time i'll have to give up. and i want to uild myself up so much that i wont need this anymore.