Done. There's no going back this time

So. I mean. Ugh. I guess I can read it. He has hurt me so much. Why not turn the knife a little bit. I read it. Same bullshit, hes sticking by his position. and that I don't deserve his shit and blah blah. I hate him. I really do. hes is an absolute piece of shit. I cannot BELIEVE that this...this was my lesson. this was God telling me sure have your second chance but nothing will be different. because hes not different. it sucks. and its bullshit and it makes no sense and it will probably take me a long long time to find peace from this clusterfuckery. but it is finaly over. I know I've said this a lot. but theres no going back. I needed that. it couldn't end peacefully. that's just not what he deserves. I hope the text message I just sent tears him apart. I hope everything I said tears him apart. I hope the anxiety I wake up with is his not mine because that means he is suffering. and the God honest truth is hes not going to do well. Because he went about it the wrong way and I know what happens to people who do me like he did. He really had a chance. but now everything is going to fall to shit. its just a matter of time. and he..he is going to FEEL like shit. he will probably be really mad at me at first and think wow what a bitch. talk shit about me. but he will get over that and eventually he will just feel like shit. he really is like I just had to see him for what he really is. I mean he sold his best friend out. he thinks way too highly of himself he has a lot of humbling experiences ahead of him. and many years of misery before he gets paid to parade around in sparkly panties. hes not a good person. he is painfully selfish. he has big losses ahead of him to put him in his place. im done believing in him its time to be honest and stop being freaking blind. I told him what I thought and I told him I did love him. because I know...he will never come back now. and honestly its best that he doesn't. it feels impossible and no I cant see it and yes I think he did wrong but I mean the plan can be changed. whats meant to be sometimes doesn't work out and I mean I will get over him. it may take all the way til after this show  but one day I will look at him and see him for the nothing that he is. right now..right now he's going to never ever see me. not even if he wants to. because I blocked him on every single thing including instagram. I don't care if he sees me doing well I don't want him to see me at all because seeing me is a privilege. he wants to ignore me and cut me off that's what hes going to get its going to be just like im dead. like I vanished. he won't be able to contact me or see me even if he wants to. this is God showing me like if I did wake up on that day in August the proper thing to do would have been to not even post on his wall. because this was destined to end in tragedy. idk why he came back. but it doesn't matter and I don't want to think about it. he made me forget the 5 months of fucking torture he put me through. and all I could remember was why I fell for him in the first place. and how happy he made me. I couldn't see straight. because we were happy. but now I see now I remember. what he really is who he really is. hes just got everyone fooled but inside he is dog shit ugly. he may be beautiful on the outside but on the inside he is ugly. I was fooled and I was stupid and I got the repercussions. im still dealing with them. but...he will be the one. its whatever. yea I said it. I said you know what asshole just to make sure you stay far from me I am going to tell you the truth I did love you. with all my heart. unconditionally for a long time. but for breaking my heart a thousand times and then coming back just so you could break it one more time I do not anymore. I hate it. I 100% hate you. and I hope it eats you up inside. so you can know what it feels like. to regret so much you want to throw up. to have the weight of the world on your shoulders and to have to hold it all by yourself. hope this is everything youd thought itd be. and you know what WHAT. I DONT CARE. the next few months are going to suck for me. I am really going to struggle. I have many nights of tears ahead of me. I want him to bear the FULL load of this. he knows its bis fault but I want him to think about it.i want it to haunt him. I want him to be motherfucking miserable BECAUSE ITS WHAT HE DESERVES. he never deserved chances I shouldn't have even let him come over here on valentines day what a fucking bitch. im so mad right now I cant even cry I cant feel anything but I will. I don't want jack shit to do with him I don't want to speak to him. and honestly I don't wish him well. and I don't have a good feeling about how things are going to go. he starts orientation on Friday I hope he hates it. I hope he sucks at his job. I don't. honestly. I don't. all I hope is that the issue with ME makes him miserable. I know hes going to go on his selfish motherfucking way and be fine. I hope he does feel what I felt. I hope the regret just tears him apart. I hope he thinks about it CONSTANTLY. I hope he hears my v oice saying I hate him and it haunts him while hes awake and asleep. I hope he sees me in everything. I hope he tries to go look at me and cant find me and realizes hes blocked and I hope that hurts even more. I hope he is continuously reminded again again and again that he fucked up. I hope he feels lonely as shit. I hope everything around him seems hard and overwhelming. and I hope more than anything he misses me. I hope he cant function. honestly because it should be him not me. I want him to shed tears. I want him to read that I loved him and think nothing of it and think I didn't love her im doing the right thing. and then as things go on I want him to slowly start to see like he missed up. that I was right he could've loved me if he wanted to and he actually had my heart and he broke it and now I hate him. I want it to scar him for motherfucking life. im sure it will make him feel like he did the right thing. but whatever I hope that fades. I want him to reachout to me and me ignore him for WEEKS. cause I know eventually hes going to reach out to me. I give it a week. and my bday is next weekend I know hes going to say something and I cant wait to ignore him. I know he read it. curiosity killed the cat. I know he read it. I hope he was shocked and truly hurt. I hope what I said really hurt him. it sounds mean but like...hes just in a horrible state of being. something has to wake him up and only pain will do it I tried to shake him gently but he didn't respond so f it. I know this is going to hurt but im happy to be mad because this makes it easier. now I can focus on just being super focused and just being the biggest badass I can possibly be. now I see. it never would've worked out. cause he is a piece of shit. and he just would never change. I don't want to like  be with somebody that wont even come see me what the fuck what a pussy stop crying. really. like instroduce me to your parents but hell ive felt left out for so long and fucking areeb talking about me from fucking bethannni and his sister seems like a damn bitch and his mom seems sweet but she made him how he is. I don't want to get caught up in that cluster fuck. I mean I hate going to the shows being all up under everybody just standing next to him not knowing anyone I am sick of standing beside him and him never giving a fuck like notice me nigga what the FUCK. he sold chris out. like hes a piece of shit. and I wasted my life. im happy this is finally motherfucking over I just want to wash my hands clean. I put the shirt away. deleted the pics off my phone changed my backgrounds like. I gotta get away from this mofo. im over it. you big piece of motherfucking SHIT. im not gunna lie. im mad. im infuriated. and I am CONFUSED. and completely lost as to just WHY. like ingeneral why the fuck waste my life like what was the purpose of me even meeting this person. hes just been a trememndous heartache and I want him like..i want to not exist to him. but you know what. HE fucked up. BIG TIME. like retardedly big time. he did me WRONG. for NO REASON AT ALL. and we were perfect. so I KNOW. he is going to realize that within the next few weeks. and I KNOW he is going to want to talk to me. and now he has to overcome ALL THAT pride and dignity. but hes still a dick. so no matter what happens. we cant ever be how we were. we cant be friends. we cant get back together. theres no happy ending. there's nothing. like at the end of the day I truly did get my heart broken. and im very hurt. like...im really really confused and lost and I am completely unsatisfied I feel no peace in my heart. like im the one who just...got screwed. I have to remember that. the facts are. that's all hes ever done. taken. and never given. and hes fine with it. and he wont change. it isn't fair and it isn't right but damnit life is NOT  a fairy tale. and God isn't going to waste his time making me a fairy tale out of a freaking nightmare like Corey, he was just pretending. I don't believe anything he has said. I mean...im just going to have to pray a LOT. like evry second of every day for strength and honestly for God to just help me through this. the week of turmoil begins tomorrow. well. I guess this was the week of turmoil nd im finally done talking. so now, the month of silence an start. man. my turmoil isn't over. but Im ready to be silent. no im not. id love to cuss him out everyday. but it does nothing. now he knows my secret. hes probably always known. and he thinks I hate him. so..its really over. its time to move forward. and just everyday....do not talk to him. do not talk about him. do not talk to anyone because of him. and just.....be quiet. honestly. that's all I can do. Talk to God. so starting February 20th, I will no longer speak to Corey Senior. Its' over. Come March 20th...I will be okay :) feels impossible but I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. I feel like ABSOLUTE shit. I want to just...quit life. but I cant. that will be around the date i'll need to pay for my suit and kim oddo. So I really need to start getting people for the challenge. I have been doing really well so far this week ive followed my diet every day. And really just been eating for results and I feel good and I think I look pretty good. Apparently I am going to have to do this drug free. which sucks but oh well. I don't mind for the time being. I'll sacrifice whatever I have to do be able to do it without him. And Im doing the same show because it's going to be in the woodlands so it'll be free. not to be with him. though I will be bringing my a game. I consider myself in pre season. I have about.. 5.5 weeks til official contest prep starts. I'm excited. Thank you God for the strength Ive developed. Im hurt and I know Im in for a long road ahead. but its not as rough as the one hes in for and I know you will prosper me because of my enemies and you wont let anyone triumph over me you never have. I know you will carry me to a better place of being this year. And I trust you. thank you for showing me his true colors. Please be with me I need you so much right now I have SO MUCH on my plate. I need all your help and guidance and strength and blessings. in Jesus name Amen