day 4-WAY better than yesterday, starting to recover

Im mostly writing today so I wont have to recap tomorrow I wont have time. I have a test on Tuesday I haven't touched the material for. so like a genius instead of doing that now, actually I think I will when im done writing this. anyway. so yea. today was much much better. did NOT do cardio. chose to have weird half asleep dreams instead. had one about corey. I was riding in a car with his brother cause I didn't know it was his brother and when we got back to his house he was like you look like a hoe bag! and I could tell he was mad. jen was in it. I woke up with a horrible feeling and was happy that I really didn't do this. I remember what it was like to be guilty. to feel like you ruined a good thing. and just wish you could go back in time to erase it. this time and for the past couple times my slate has been completely clean. there are things I would do different but I never did anything WRONG he can never say I hurt him. hes never shed a tear or seen an ounce of pain because of me. so im happy about that. anyway wow that was a weird tangent. yea sooo long day at work but it was fine. I am going to go out for my bday I think. just the girls. my real friends. not necessarily my pretty friends but Erica and jen and konrad at least I know ill have fun and get to sing karaoke. hopefully by this weekend I wont be thinking about him. it was a lot less yday. last night the girl I befriended on instagrams parents wrote that she was in the mental hospital recovering from a suicide attempt and she wanted them to tag me. that touched me and made me realize oh my GOSH I am mean tfor so much more its crazy. I am a gazillion times the person corey is and worth a gazillion of anything he has or ever will have and a gzillion more than how he treated me. I now see that this is a good thing. im being set free. even if it hurts now. the pain will end and joy will reenter and ill have full peace never thinking about him. all he does is hurt me. and theres no point. the only way me and him could ever work is if he loved me too which he doesn't so I really just have to move forward and UNlove him. I mean...yea. I get it. I see now ya know. it hurts and I wish I didn't but I don't have any delusions. there is a possibility as always that this situation could bring him around. that it may bring out feelings he didn't know were there and perhaps he did love me and might say so. BUT I realize the most likely thing in the world is that this will be the end to a bad chapter in my life im actually glad is over. I told aeric. telling him I loved him is whats going to keep him away. and one day I will me someone wonderful and amazing with a big heart like mine that will make all of this worth it. I do miss him. obviously its only been four days I do still love him. very much. but...he did this. he WANTED THIS. I told him I loved him. and he couldn't say the same. so my best bet in life is to stay as far from him as possible for as long as possible and one day ill feel like an idiot for ever caring that he existed. honestly like I don't want the things I used to. if he asked me to meet his family now it wouldn't mean as much it wouldn't mean anything it wouldn't feel right. I don't want to meet his sister she seems like a bitch and areeb I mean yea no. I don't like any of his friends the only one I liked was chris. and he screwed us both. and like.. yea. I don't want to be in the stupid cypress circle that's not me. I just want to do my own thing I don't care what those people think. seriously. cause theyre wrong about him. he doesn't want to think so. but he really is a bad person. hes selfish beyond belief and just...a fucking mess to be honest. im not happy yet. im still highly bothered by loving someone who doesn't love me. it feels like SHIT. but..i made it. I made it through day 4 its officially a new record. and last week was hell but tomorrow is Monday its a new week and a new opportunity for me to start fresh. and everyday that goes by I hope to get further from him and though I cant PICTURE this lasting and us actually being done I know it can happen. and I know that even though it seems impossible there will come a day when I don't think about him at all and he'll mean nothing to me and im so excited for that day. I have sucha  great life I want to be able to enjoy it without this dark cloud looming. it hurts me. terribly. every single day. and the fact that he hasn't checked on me. hasn't pologized. doesn't even care. or regretwat he did. shows a lot about his character. which is turning out to be the absolute worst thing about him. :( Lord help me but thank you for what you've already done. Im okay. I didn't think the voice would ever shut up but the doubter is winning. the believer is almost completely silent. and Im so excited for when theres just peace. and he is no longer a stain on my memory.