Day5 - Better. But of course I HAD to say something

I am SO predictable its not even funny. Anyway, so....yea I gave em a piece of my mind. its hard to even type now. cause he wrote back at 9 (pretty much like..10 hours later but I didn't expect him to at all soooo anyway I haven't read it and I don't plan to I know I need to just delete it). but yea I mean I told him how much I was struggling and how I wish I could just feel nothing like him. and that I hadn't talked to anyone about it and just needed to vent. then I went into the things he was right about. how I did want a real relationship not that ghetto shit where he tells all his friends im just a friend and im not the behind the scenes chick that does everything for him and is always there but no one knows about. and that it killed me to have seen all the things he did for brooke and told her he loved her and I know that he wouldn't for me because he basically didn't feel the same and that was the issue the whole time. but that I wouldn't be able to forget. that I was just so surprised the same thing could happen twice and I shouldn't have answered him when he texted me about chris because he wouldn't have been there for me had the shoe been on the other foot. and I basically told him it was morally wrong to use people during the season and cut him off during the off season. that it was fcus because focus means having distractions and not letting them get to you and it wasn't being strong because being strong means overcoming obstacles not avoiding them and he blamed the way he was on cris and the apartment but now that he was out he hasn't changed. that if he lost all hisf riends besides his mom it would be a problem. that family should come before bodybuilding for sure. and people that love him. that the obvious thing to do would be to let me meet his mom and then I would come see him but I do think its jacked up that he wont make the drive. that he thinks the world should revolve around him so he can do the same thing everyday and wont do anything that's inconvenient. and that he could reach his goals the normal way with hard work and time not throwing away his youth cause he couldn't get it back. and and that he needs more patience and faith. and that sam mcguffie is a joke and he needs to be talking to someone way more relevant to his situation. that I was living in a dream world thinking we were meant to be and that he was somehow this beautiful persn but I don't know about that. because the way he was going about things was wrong and that hed probably be pissed at me for saying it but someone has to tell him the truth and no one probably ever will cause theyre too busy telling him how amazing he is and how successful hes going to be. but he doesn't appreciate what he has and that he doesn't NEED to do anything. idk I just kind of said everything I been thinking. just told em that he may not like it but I wast lying. and that he could say something mean to me to ruin my day but it wouldn't matter. and that last yr on his bday I pictured us spending the holidays together. that we would be there for eachother I definitely didn't picture us going into the season without eachother. and that I definitely didn't think six months later on my bday I would be spending it without him and that we wouldn't even be speaking. and that I couldn't wait until the time when I didn't hate every day because this would be the last time I did something like this. I said I know im not perfect I was weak and brought a lot of this on myself but I was only ever good for you and only wanted what was best for you sometimes above myself which was also a mistake. idk. I said everything, I didn't do it so he would respond. I didn't think he would though if he did I didn't intend to read it. but it actually mademe feel better. because like...all the things I wrote were true and made me realize again the person im really dealing with. not thinking of the good times or how much I miss him. like the real person that he is and how much stuff would need to change for me to even speak to him. it just made me realize that the issues go beyond this and it is a good thing it is over because I don't want to be with someone like that. and just made me see like this is happening. this is over and my life is going to go on. like im happy I don't have to deal with his life cause its a clusterfuck I don't get it and I don't want it. I don't like anyone around him his whole situation makes me feel uncomfortable and the way he treated me and handled everything was wrong. the whole time. I do not ever want to not be in a relationship with someone again. I want to be courted and pursued for once. I want someone to want me. that I want as well. and I want a normal healthy relationship no more bullshit no more anything that makes me feel shitty at all. if I can get through this I can get through anything. I know I shouldn't read that text message. if he said the things I said...mannn...I would go the fuck off. so I know it isn't good. I know itll probably ruin my night make me cry and want to go to sleep. like. I need to study for my test I never wakeup early to do it the next day. ever.
but yea..i know hes probably just going to go in on me and make me feel like dirt. go off and say some SUPER mean shit. make me feel even dumber. or defencd himself like im being judgemental. tell me hes going to stomp all over everyone and make it to the top. PSH. but yea. or like to stop bashing him and leave him alone. I guess its curiosity that makes me want to read it. I really should just delete it. part of me wants to read it just to like face it and have reinforcement of how horrible he is so I can be even more adamant about letting him go. I know how evil he can be. like he was to chris. I still cant believe he snitched on him. so I know hes just going to lash out. and tell me like he knows what hes doing blah blah. I had anxiety in the car real quick before I knew I got it I felt my stomach drop just talking about him to God out loud. so like..i mean I feel it now. idk what to do. if I should delete it. if there was anything worth reading or anything good which is an IMPOSSIBLE response to what I said. like... he would just say something else within the coming days. fuck. idk what to do. I know its not good.