VERY reassuring day

Well last night i basially told him how crappy life is right now and how i could use someone cause i feel alone. and iw ish he had been there for me and im wonderign when this will be worth it or if well ever let eachother in and that i think i was wrong. that i had been friend zoned. and that if he told me all the NEVER statements he usually does this time i would listen bc hed be doing me a favor. and basically like if he likes me anyway aside from all my issues and wants to work things out he needs to find a way to express himself if he thinks im worth it. an di woke up and still had nothing. so itold em he didnt have to respond cause i figure if it was anything i wanted to hear he wouldve said it already or whatever and that i hope he had a good day despite the ugly weather and that i had a test and all the way too school i was telling myself that like i was ready to be done and sick of the bs and well never be together hed never like me etc. and then when i got out of my test he said "okay. well if it makes you feel better i do like and care for you. im just dumb" and wished me good luck on my test and to let him know how it went. and it just made me smile cause i didnt expect him to say that. i think i just need to tell him like the verbal aspect is whats missing. maybe in time i wont need constant validation. but anyway so i just said okay well i guess thats nice to know:) i think m dumb too so we can just be dumb together and let everyone else think were smart lol and something about my test. it didnt send right away and i went to delete it cause it hought it might be too much. but yea it was a good day we talked about a lot of different stuff and laughed all day. i told em i wanna grow my hair out and i said i was gunna get extensions at some point and he said then the dark side really comes out and i laughed and said kiss my ass 99% of white girls have extensions plus you we both know you like my dark side brown sugar lol and he said true that true that. we talked a lot about our goals and where we wanna be by the time we're 30 etc. i think hes really getting more on board with the power couple thing. though i dont think we're a couple. but..we might be headed that way. he sees now how much help we can be to eachother and he wants me around. idk whats gunna happen. it is harder to leave than it is to stay as of now though. and things arent bad. he isnt rude to me. hes an asshole and makes asshole commentts but thats just him. idk. hes not super sweet to me normally. but idk. maybe as feelings deepen that will happen. neither of our walls are down. so i guess that keeps us on the same page. the article i read said six months is still early. and its ok if he even takes up to a year to give me a title. my thing is he looks so good and is like pretty good in the industry and has the respect and acceptance of people cause hes so serious. i dont have that. i want to earn it. hes making a lot of progress and i want to start being more serious so i can too. i wanna look amazing and earn respect in the industry. i want us to be on the same track and successful together. it would be better if i went pro first which i probably will cause its easier but im not kidding i want to win this show. my reputation is rock bottom and i need to build it. i got my fit to help me through the week and not have to cook. didnt do morning cardio im like exhausted and pale with black eyes so i got iron. and hopefully ill be able to do cardio in the mornings cause i cant do it after my workouts. took my test i dont know my grade. guessed on everything. 2 more things this week then im free for a while. anyway i dont want to be in his shadow i dont want to be left behind i want to be a star. the only way i can prove myself is to beast the shit out of this show and just be the best and win and then i'll have some respect and be like..it cant be power couple if its just him. i dont want to stand next to him while people obsess over him an ignore me like they did at the texas state. im not meant to be be in anyones shadow. im meant to have my own limelight. and thats what im going for. i talked to the girl that works for kim. i can do 600 down and 250 in the upcoming months. its time to be serious i got 8 weeks. been good so far this week. just gotta stay focused. win competition. graduate. those are my two goals. God be with me I need all the help I can get!