his response to my bashing was
him: you make me feel horrible. I hate reading your texts because I know itsjust gunna make me feel like shit. like really really bad. and this isn't what I wanted in the first place! to hurt you I mean. that's the last thing I wanted to do and now I like sitting here with a guilty conscience not knowing what is right and what is wrong. I really don't know what to do. I just felt weak being with you and the only thing I knew to do was run. and hide and do what ive always done cause that's the thing I know what to do. im not this dick. I don't know what or who or what the fuck has happened to me to act this way. I can only blame myself. I have tried everything possible to sabotage this relationship. all the excuses possible. the more you care the more I run. FOR SOME REASON IT MAKES ME FEEL SHITTY WHEN YOU SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT ME AND TELL ME ALL THE GREAT THINGS YOU THINK ABOUT ME (not yelling just expressing) I guess I just cant fathom a person caring about me so much. its like I don't feel like youre right about me. I just don't feel like im where I need to be in something like this. I wanna be art the top michelle. I really wanna be that guy. and im not saying it in a macho badass way. I just don't wanna be old news. im afraid of that. afraid to lose again and afraid to fuck up ad get off track and don'tdo what I feel like im "destined" to do. I think. and over think. I guess past experiences (obviously) and shit that I see (my friends and their relationships) really just turns me off the idea, cause I always see this crazy emotion that ive bee involved in and I see the heartache, the struggle, the pain, losing focus, bullshit and im afraid to let that sink in. I never quite gave in with you and I know you deserved that. I was always holding onto something, some excuse. idk. I see your passion and it just makes me think about all these things. do you understand me at all? am I fucking crazy? I really don't know. and another thing. why on earth do you put up with this? after everything ive done. I hope this wasn't a response you didn't want I don't wanna make you sad. I do miss you and wish we got to see eachother this past weekend. kinda shitty. I hope youre ok. I know youre ok. youre strong. very. oh and persistent. damn persistent. idk how or why you do it. I know im rambling now im sorry.
me:
I almost deleted that cause I was so scared of what youd say. I cant help it Corey you know why I'm here. I love you. I know it sounds serious and im sorry if it makes me unattractive to you but I cant change it I cant hide it I dont want to. Everything in me. My heart my soul. My BONES love you. Every single thing about you even if it sucks. I knew that first night you came over there was something about you that just.. something in me couldnt live without. From then on. And im just not the person that gives up on things. Just like you cant give up on bodybuilding. Giving up on you feels like death. I miss you so fucking much. I had no idea this week would be so hard. And I know I shouldn't talk to you. But I just can't help it. I don't care if you're the shittiest person in the world. I don't want to be with anyone else. And I just can't make myself believe that you're not so much more than what you're doing. I know you hold back. And I guess I just thought if I stayed around and gave you enough good you would forget the bad that you've seen and trust me and let yourself just let go and give in. Ive never seen anyone fight so hard against something that made them happy. But I cant be shitty to you. I can't not be there when you need me. And I can't hold back anymore. I can't not tell you the good things that I see in you. I can't not tell you how i feel about you. I don't want to it feels like shit. If I have to let you go I will I have been trying. But I just. .. I feel like half a person when I can't even talk to you. I literally feel like there is a hole in my heart and im wasting my life doing this. All I can say honestly is you just... follow your heart. You have your WHOLE LIFE to do this and I am SO GOOD at everything youre not good at and the same with you. Thats the thing with destiny. Its MEANT TO BE. You don't have to force it. And yoy shouldn't fight it either. That's the beauty of this sport. You work hard. You juice up.
You keep at it and you just. .. You'll get there. But it takes people so long. .. the ones that get to the top you know what they are? PERSISTANT. But they don't do it alone. This isn't that kind of sport and you are not that kind of person. You can do this while still enjoying your life and appreciating what you have whole yoy strive to do better. You can. If you stay true and be a good person and just work hard, you can get there. That's the beauty of bodybuilding. Hard work pays off. People respect that and they can see it but they also respect a good person. And you just cannot keep doing this. You have to stop. if you would just try it I think you would see.. . You would feel free. And you'd feel a lot less pressure and be a lot less ..idk feel like theres a deadline cause there's not. And you have much more on your side than you think. But being this asshole this heartbreaker this like...selfish person. .. this is not your destiny and you have to stop. You know its not right. Just... give in. To LIFE. You wont ever get this time back. You do shows you win you go pro. Takes years. Enjoy the ride. And like...idk do what you want I can't control you. I don't want to. I want you to be free. and happy and at peace. Not this person. And I wish. With all my heart. If I had 3 wishes I would use them all to wish that you would just stop fighting whatever you're fighting, let the past GO and embrace the life you have now and the good things that make you happy that aren't hard cause some shit isn't meant to be.. like me. But wishing hasn't gotten me anywhere. Neither has prayer but I keep doing it. And I will continue. Cause I know whats right. And I know that everything is going to turn out fine. Even if it takes time. I can be patient. I wont change idc if its hard. Cause living with hope and faith and believing the best just feels better. And im okay with that. You really should try it. Feels amazing compared to holding back. And I know you can. You can tell yourself this lie but you haven't convinced me. I still believe that you. You can be so much better. Ps that shittiness I make you feel is because you know its the truth. That's your CONSCIENCE and it will never go away. You should listen to it. And tto answer that question im not okay. Im far from okay. Im trying SO hard but im drowning without you. I really needed you this past week. And you just. Wouldnt even speak to me. Except to tell me we would never work out and your mind was made up and you wouldn't let me convince you. But your mind isnt made up is it? Funny how it never is when it comes to me. Wonder why that is. and that's when he asked if we could continue today and then today he hasn't answered me so I sent him its not over by chris daughtry and then I said "by the way babe, don't feel bad I already know what youre going to say. I know you cant help but break my heart again and ill be okay. I guess I shouldn't put words in your mouth I just don't want to get my hopes up and be surprised like I was last time cause that hurt severely. I woke up crying almost everyday this week and went to bed doing the same. im really just tired. I have fought long and hard for you but theres nothing else I can do to get you to open up. so if youre ready to let me go then I will let you. and I will just try to make the best of it. I cant have another week like last week. just gotta be positive. I do still want you and what to be with you. youre what I wanted for Christmas and youre what I want for my bday. but I have gotten used to not getting what I want. what REALLY hurts is that deep down I know its what you want too but I mean I gotta let you do what you feel is best. and just try to be a big girl about it. I do miss you. so much. I just miss your face I want to hug you and kiss you and everything be okay. but ill be alright. someday. anyway go ahead and say what you were going to say. just know I forgive you for everything you've done. I know you didn't mean to. I know everything I say just pushes you away but I cant hold back like you do it feels shitty. and I know you don't love me but I do love you and I truly want you to be happy. I just wish we could both be happy and were not..but mybe if im gone you will be. doesn't feel like the case but whatever you want I will just go with it. persistence hasn't gotten me anywhere so ill stop. (then I sent him its gunna be me lmao hilarious) when he responded he said lmao and that I was hilarious and asked me when I was off. then he asked me when my bday was exactly. then he asked me what my plans were. then we were talking about kung fu. then I finally just said "why r u asking me all these details stop beating around the bush. "I meancause im over it. I told you I loved you. I put my fucking heart on the line as usual. you left me to die last week like..we cant just go back to acting like nothing happened. we have to talk about whats happened. and like idk im at the point where im not just fine with what we had. being the secret non gf. and I wouldn't rather have that than nothing id rather have nothing. it sucks. but today and yday I realized like how amazing I am and how ridiculous it is to keep people who make me miserable close to me. I want a happy positive life that I enjoy. I love him I do but I love myself and I love being happy and I do not love crying and being sad and having anxiety. I want a stable, healthy relationship that adds to my life and doesn't take from my spirit. I don't want to just...be unhappy just to have him in my life. were not friends on fb were not friends on IG we didn't talk all last week and its because of him. like I want him to say he was wrong and he regrets it and hes sorry. like that he wants to be with me and wants to open up. like if im not your gf why would we spend time together after 6 months im basically his ex and you shouldn't be pretending to be in a relationship with your ex. either we are in a relationship and we are together and a team and want to make this work or were nothing. I don't need anymore friends. especially not friends like that. and I definitely don't need him like to come over here just for my bday like he did on vday and us act all romantic and have sex and do everything couples do and get my heart feeling like this is going to work ad then just go back to this side shit like I cant do it. we have to take it to the next level we cant start over he has had enough time to think about it. its all or nothing and I deserve all. I mean we can work on everything and compromise and make things work for both of us. but im not going to keep sleeping with someone im not in a relationship with that wont claim me and im not spending any time with him like there is a decision to be made. he hasn't said anything idk if I pissed him off whatever he was beating around the bush. I know he doesn't love me yet. im fully aware of that. but if you cant see yourself falling for someone and you wont let yourself why would you bother at all ya know? I don't want to be done with him. but I need something reliable and stable that my heart can trust im too old for off and on. I want a real relationship or nothing. and I know he doesn't want a relationship so why bullshit like there is heartbreak waiting why not just do it now officially and be done. I hate this. it is stupid. but im not going to act like I don't know its stupid and allow it to go on like its okay. if he doesn't like me enough to make me his girlfriend and do what boyfriends do I don't want anything to do with him. and I know its going to hurt me. everything fucking hurts me and im sick of hurting but this will go away, I have GOT to stand up for myself and stop accepting bullshit or its all im ever going to get. and I deserve SO MUCH MORE. its bullshit that brooke got the best of him and i have to pay for that shit. i love him but it doesn't seem to make a fucking difference. im not going to let myself get all happy im already preparing myself for the end. because like its not worth it this is NOT how it should be but HE is the issue. and you don't change over night. and im not waiting anymore. ive done enough. im ready for the goodbye. i have no fucking choice. |
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