The silence gets us nowhere gets us nowhere way to fast

Anyway. k so...he basically ended things around like 630 on Saturday night. I didn't say anything til yesterday. from 1241 to 238 I texted him like..8 things. then today I sent him 4 at like 11 I think. and it is now 7:24pm. I guess he really isn't going to say anything its probably best he doesn't. I hate not knowing what hes thinking. hes probably thinking really hard. that's the only reason I can think for him to take this long. normally he would just say thank you for understanding after what I sent him today. im actually thinking of just deleting what he says if he does respond. if its good...he'll say something else pretty soon within the coming days. if not, then I wont hear from him again and I don't think I need to read like...a longer explanation of his decision. or how crazy I am for wanting to move or how I shouldn't do it just because of him. he already made it clear he needs this year. he doesn't want me involved and im okay surprisingly. I still have him and me as my default pic on fb. guess im in denial. ill take it down at the end of this week and make myself stop sleeping with his shirt. its just...so surreal ya know. he really was just here. and we were doing perfect. this is like deja vu. but I always said if I could go back I would've just let em go. this doesn't feel like the end I wont lie. it feels like bullshit. but I mean. if he comes back to me cause of some catasptrophe telling me he needs me like...I cant be there for him like I was with chris, they'll be friends again soon anyway. but I cant. I don't want to. like..its not fair to me for him to be this wishy washy and honestly he shouldn't jerk his heart around either. you cant shut out the heart. it has a way of making itself heard. I mean if things go wrong okay. but when theyre perfect? youre going to think about it youre going to miss it. its really crazy cause all this time I felt so annoying like I just couldn't act right around him I was so self conscious thinking I was just fawning over him and he wasn't even looking at me. but he was. apparently he was enjoying himself just as much as me and he didn't pull away because he didn't feel how I felt. he pulled away because he did..and he knew it couldn't last. he wouldn't have come over on vday or to get his wallet and wanted to stay if he didn't. if he let himself..like just gave in and stopped fighting it. we'd be crazy close. and I know we would fall in love. that's whats inevitable. so like I mean do I believe this is the end no not really. honestly not even if we make it all the way to the show without talking or see eachother which I highly doubt. I don't even think we'll make it past two weeks we never have before. nothing has changed. hes trying to be strong and he is really strong so we'll see. maybe when he does text me if he does I will just glance to see the general tone and like what its going to say or if its long and if it looks like a long explanation of the same bs I might delete it. idk. it doesn't matter. theres two voices in my head when it comes to him. theres the one that sees me with him for the rest of my life. that cant picture my future without him. with the thoughts already there automatically including him. that says wer emeant to be and he cant fight it forever and im not the thing in his life that needs to change and that one day he will give in and we will be the happiest couple on earth. BUT then theres the voice that sees that he has this whole life without me and is intimidated by his friends and family and everyone he knows and dosnnt want to be at the shows with him feeling outcast and unpopular and feels like I will never fit in and we will never be able to like..make our lives one and doesn't want to be in his shadow. that says there are bigger plans for me and he will hold me abck hat he will never make up his mind and I need to let it go for real and just think of it as the past. that its just too hard and it wont ever work. I don't know which one o listen to but it doesn't even really matter because he will be the determinant. its his unwillingness to give in that has torn us apart again and again. he could change it but he wont and as impossible as it may be to imagine we WILL fade away with time. idk. I just don't know. idk whats going to happen. I only know that I have to carry on and worry about myself. I cant enjoy food really that much anymore and I don't have him so I guess I will rely on my workouts and cinema to help me through everything and enjoy myself. as for him. day 1 starts tomorrow. I guess eventually ill give up on him texting me. hes probably trying to be strong right now. hes been ignoring me for 3 days. he did add me on snapchat finally on sunday idk why or if he saw the snapchat I sent him forever ago. I cleared my feed and never saw his. but yea...idk. im sick of all of this its stupid.