Day 2 part 2 FUCKING HORRIBLE DAY

Omg. today was just ridiculous. I cried SO MUCH. I just broke down. I mean I was okay like...but I couldn't focus. took the doxiderol. complete waste. I really need to not have so much on my plate right now im bombing everything. im pretty positive I failed my physics test today. guess on pretty much everything. this settles it though. I HAVE to go to class. I wont study on my own. I cant teach myself. no matter how much I hate it I just have to go. it will make my fucking life so much easier. im so behind right now this first part is pretty much unsalvageable. but I can still save my grades if I change right fucking now. I went to school somewhat early so id have time to study and I left my debit card so I couldn't get a calculator and had to have Sandra meet me at target. tried to study but bris music was so fucking loud I just went to the bathroom and cried. to tell the truth im fucking miserable right now I hate how life is right now I am exhausted. I constantly have some obligatory task to do and I don't care about any of it. school has been torturing me for years and I still have nothing to show. and much hard work ahead to finish. work is just enough to get by. the hours are killing me. training is the only thing I enjoy. but I just fucking always have some shit to do and its horrible. my bday is next week almost everyone I invited has plans or is going to be out of town even garrison so its pretty much just going to be people from work. fuck it that's fine. those are pretty much the only ppl I ever hang out with any fucking way. im overwhelmed. and I don't tell anyone. everyone still thinks me and corey are together cause I don't have the heart to tell them the truth and I still don't want to believe it. and I mean I had good friends that helped a lot today but I didn't even workout. I chose to cry instead. im miserable. I need him right now and he bailed on me and I really don't understand the purpose of all this. like why did he ever come back. I want to think hes miserable too. I want him to have anxiety when im upset. and have trouble waking up. and sleeping. and think about me constantly but chances are hes fine and ill never know anyway. im so fucking mad at him right now but more than anything im crushed. ad I feel alone and helpless and like I really don't deserve this and im sick of it I just cant find a reason. why he would end things after a perfect night. like he truly is theabsolute most selfish person I have ever met in my life. and he wont get better. everyone around him is in love with him telling him how awesome he is and feeding the monster waiting on him hand and foot. why would he ever need me. his life is perfect he has no responsibility his whole life revolves around him and his convenience and he keeps feeding those bad habits. he never has a struggle to adapt to he just finds a way to avoid it. he says hes strog but hes not hes weak and inflexible. and you know what. it doesn't matter. im fucked. regardless. because I love this motherfucker. I didn't know if I was capable of true love but I am. theres nothing he can do. all I remember is the amazing times. and its gotten so much deeper now I don't even think about the sex. or the kissing like I used to, I miss the conversations. we had gotten so much closer. I miss his company. he held my hand. he let me take pics. he was so sweet and caring and concerned about ME all night. he had me completely fooled I never thought in a million years he would do this again. and I still cant believe it, I want him to come back. because I deserve that. I deserve a full on chase. I deserve tears. but I mean. short of those three words theres nothing I can do for him. like if he comes back saying hey. or he wants to be friends? no. that's not good enough. telling me happy bday and he hopes I have a good one. not good enough. even telling me he misses me isn't good enough. these are onviously signs and if he says ANYTHING to me after me telling him 1) that I loved him and 2) that I hated him then obviously that means something. means theres a huge possibility he loves me too because if you know someone lovesyou and you don't love them that will push you away pretty much permanently. so this will either be the end or the beginning. but like. I cant be different. I don't want to. I want to be me and be accepted. if im proper or pretty at the time ok. if im ghetto ok. my dad is black there is black in me. period. like im not hiding it and trying to act like I have all white friends. like if im too black oh well. my hair is curly. im not going to straighten it anymore unless im going out. which is like never. at night I wear my glasses and my tube socks and my face mask im not always hot. I want to feel pretty even when im ugly. I want to listen to what I want. and hang out with who I want. I want my bad days to matter. and when im hurt I want it to bother him. I want to affect him. I WANT to be his weakness and know he will not be okay without me and I want him to stop being a hard ass and act like he doesn't care. I want him to know yea maybe he doesn't deserve me but want to try his best too. I cant care less. I cant love with half my heart when I love I love hard 100% I don't want to hold back it feels like shit. I don't ever want to not be able to say I love him. I want to say it everyday. everytime before we go to sleep. anytime he doesn't feel good I want to be able to say babe I love you. and I want to hear him say it. everyday. I want to know that I have his heart and not have to worry anymore. I want to be his and him to be mine and just let my heart love freely. I want to be there for him and him be there for me. I want to know everything about him good and bad and the same for me to him and have him not care. I want him to be proud of me and introduce me as his girlfriend. I want to meet his freaking family and friends and have them be nice to me because they know who I am and what I mean to him. I cant be the behind the scenes chick anymore. because its not good enough for me to be there when he needs me but not get any privileges or included on anything in his life. if he goes somewhere I wanna be invited. I wanna be welcome wherever he is. I want to rely on him. I want to just be in love and stop hiding. stop acting like its not a big deal like we'll be okay with or without eachother because I don't fucking think we will. yea maybe we can make it work. we can be strong. try to focus on other things and get through the day. let our goals drive us but all we'll be doing is distracting ourselves. because we make eachother happy. and if he loves me there will be a hole in his heart too and maybe this is what we need. maybe this is the only way. to know if we are meant to be and if he loves me he will know by my absence and he will have to tell me. and the God honest truth regardless of whether I feel like there is no hope in the world and am miserable every single day if he doesn't love me and never will then I don't want him. why would I? after all this trouble if I get nothing and my investments have disappeared...theres no point. like as time goes on ill be okay but I don't want to ettle anymore. I don't care if it hurts. this hurts. this makes me want to jump off a damn cliff. so telling him no when hes not giving me anything worth saying yes for cant be worse. I want him to shed tears. I want to hear those three words or I want to hear nothing. and it will hurt my feelings. over and over. but eventually ill be immune. a week from now on my bday when he doesn't say anything to me no matter how fun the night is I will cry myself to sleep because i'll know its truly over. he knows when my bday is now. if he knowingly lets it pass after all I did for his...yea, no. the best birthday present I could ever get. he wouldn't have to say he was sorry. he wouldn't have to excuse himself. I don't need a paragraph. just one text. saying I love you too. would make me have tears of joy and honestly make life bearable again. make It worth it. make all my faith and time and relentless belief and all the heartbreak worth it because his heart is worth every heart ive ever been given combined. I earned it. I know. its a one in a million chance and I wish I didn't believe. the only positive in this is that eventually...I will stop believing. eventually. its sad cause I know how long I can hold things out. I know how strong my faith can be even with no evidence. so I know this is going to be a long hard road. and I will keep checking for that block symbol. one thing I don't want God just spare me this. please. I do not want a text saying he thought long and hard BUT. I don't want to hear him say AGAIN that he doesn't love me and cant ever give me what I want. and that he is standing by his decision. the silence will say that. I want this pain to get better with time im already planning to cry myself to sleep on my bday night. it was hard to tell Sandra he wouldn't be going out with us because he had to work. when I know it isn't true. and it will have been two weeks and that is the longest weve ever gone without seeing eachother in the past. but this is it. I know it. he wont come through. I don't want him to come to my bday. and like pretend for another night I don't need that. I remember. I remember him showing all the signs when he couldn't help it. I remember him kissing me and then smiling. I remember him stopping in the middle of sex just to kiss me. and I KNOW that the WAY he kisses me matters. it doesn't matter how attracted you are to a person. it doesn't matter. you don't feel their soul when you have sex with them. you don't make love to them you don't passionately kiss them. given the last couple times as far as the sex goes was like super sexual and not as romantic but it felt better and like we haven't had the luxury of the height of the bed in months. he wouldn't have come all the way out here. he wouldn't have insisted on being with me on vday. he wouldn't keep coming back to me even when im crazy. like... I didn't imagine EVERYTHING. hes not the exception to the rule. but im not taking it back im sure he expects me to but im not. if he wants me hes going to have to fight for me like I did for him because that's what I deserve. for him to need me and let me be important and place me high. to value me and need me and show vulurability and be willing to do what It takes to make it work bc he cant live without me. that's the only love worth having in my opinion. crazy, make bad decisions, be my weakness and my strength, cant live without it love. I believed that we were soulmates. and ive seen so many things that make me think that. I cant lie. I do think this will be the deciding moment. the reason I know I love him, the reason I know there's a hole in my heart without him is because ive felt the pain of loss. he has left me mentally and physically and the doubt is what created the passion. and made me realize how I felt. he has never had to deal with my absence I hav always been there. im not garrison. hes not Langston. it wasn't just a month. he didn't use me. it wasn't lust. and he didn't just fake having feelings for me this whole time. I mean. I know what I want. and he doesn't. this will make him see. im sure he'll be fine for a while. but there is no way he will be okay for four months without talking to me. he just doesn't know how he feels and this will show him. if he doesn't love me he will feel free. and a weight will be lifted off his back. he'll be more selfish than ever. and that is 99% likely. but there is a 1%  chance the separation is the only thing that has been missing. the only thing that will allow him to see that I had a place in his heart because you can literally FEEL the emptiness. I feel the space in my day. everytime something unfortunate happens I wish I could talk to him. everytime something good happens I want to tell him. Its hard to get the thoughts of the future out of my head. its hard to make it through the day honestly. life seems dark and bleak and hopeless. and I feel alone. I feel like half a person. and if he does love me and we are meant to be... this breakdown will be our breakthrough and the ashes of what we had will be clear ground for the building of a future together. Id still marry him. id still fight for him. but I cant. I cant fight one more day. I wont. im tired. its ineffective. I want apology. I want remorse. I want him to be more than bothered. I want him to be hurt. tonight I wished and I imagined him just showing up at my door and me opening it and him saying he was so sorry. and grabbing my face and kissing me and telling me to my face that he loved me. I can see it. I can see him texting me saying can we talk. in person. and me being like whats in it for me. and him saying trust me youre going to want to hear what I have to say. and its too much to type. can I come over. and i'll say yea I guess so. and him coming over with flowers. I just...I miss him so much I want to stop fighting stop pulling away from eachother and just give in and I know this is the make or break and I know I could text him I almost texted him today to let him know I didn't hate him but im not giving him peace. he needs to feel the discomfort. he needs consequences for his actions and im not giving him anything I don't care if it kills me im never reaching out again. I deserve more.and I don't want it from someone else I want it from him. he can give it to me. he just has to want to. and this is the only way to know for sure. idk how long itll take if he actually loves me not long. next week will be a big deciding factor. if he makes it through the weekend and doesn't tell me happy bday like...and we go past the two weeks without seeing eachother or speaking...I might as well stop. im trying to stop believing. I am. its the hardest thing ive ever done nothing has felt so wrong. I keep checking and checking ...never the block symbol. I guess nothing bad happened. idk. maybe he doesn't need me.  he has so much, but honestly so little of value. I have what he needs but if he doesn't want it its something he will regret for the rest of his life but I wont. eventually the what if will go away and i'll be okay. im going to be a star. and happy. because im a good person. and he could use some of my good karma. but he doesn't want it. ...but he cant make me believe he doesn't want me. his life isn't better without me. if this doesn't bring him back nothing will if this doesn't break him down and make him surrender nothing will. if he cant see that im the one...then im not. and my heart breaks everyday but I mean...I know ill be okay. im just so burnt out on life I wish for once it wouldn't be so late. for once it wouldn't take so long. that instead of making me wait weeks or months or never. he would just text me tomorrow and say I cant take this anymore I cant be without you. and id say anything else you want to say? idk. I want it so bad. don't know if ive ever wanted anything or anyone like this. but I wont pray for it. I wont pray for God to change him. or make him feel something or act a certain way. I have to see what happens naturally. if I was right or if he was. all I know is I cried so hard today. and ii don't want to go through this. and its a horrible time. I am DREADING work tomorrow. but whatever. I don't have a choice. this is just...fucking horrible. but I think I will leave my phone in the car tomorrow I don't want to be checking it all day. the day goes by faster without it. I just hope by some kind of miracle tomorrow isn't as freaking depressing as today was. cause I don't want anymore of this. I am proud tho I didn't post about it on fb. and I didn't text him. and I wanted to. so another day under my belt. ill take it one day at a time. sunday will be the big test. and a big step. but everyday is a test with this. im so freaking dead and miserable I need a miracle really bad but I know ill get through it. im just so tired. SO. tired.