hw got extended...THANK THE LORD.

tomorrow is going to have to be the first day I really hammer down. night before a test. awesome, I know. im not going to make any progress tonight. I think im going to go to my room and just pray myself to sleep maybe cry a little. im actually at a little bit of a loss for words. im just hoping that I don't wake up with anxiety. it makes it way too hard to WAKEUP at all. but..idk...maybe ill read in my book a little. my course in miracles book I haven't really touched that could really help me. I will say. I have gotten so much stronger through all this. I mean...I value myself a lot more. ill put up with less. still pretty forgiving which hasn't paid off. but this time the lack thereof is going to be what keeps me from getting my heart broken again. I think the only thing short of a miracle that could get me to let him back in this time is if he said he loved me too. which I know he doesn't. theres no way. so...like I guess im just in shock. he was just here. its been 4 days. and like..i mean things really blew up. and he did it. he torched it. im astounded. but you know what like really...im so much stronger. im functional. I don't talk about It to everyone I don't take it out on customers. I don't post about it on fb. it sucks im going to be literally counting everyday but I think what im going to do is mke myself like get the most out of my day and get all the shit I need to get done and then allow myself to get my feelings out at night. like just save it when you get home you can type it all up. but like..leaving my phone in the car honestly helped. it got my mind off it. im ten times stronger now. I don't eat my feelings. I don't skip workouts. and I didn't keep begging him. I gave him a piece of my mind which I feel good about because im sick of protecting him. theres no responsibility no weight on his shoulders im the one that has the weight of the world and he dares add to it. im not protecting him anymore im not being sweet anymore im being honest. I see it now. I see how this doesn't work. and why it never will and that well never be meant to be God loves me more than that and he wants me to be in a power couple. someone that is good for me. I really need to focus on going pro. but its happeing. I can follow a diet. I WILL do what it takes. I can get my workouts in and do all this. and when I start seeing results its going to be all worth it. I was sure id be with him for my bday. but im not. im leaving him out. he can use someone elses phone to look at my pics and see what ive been doing. im going out next weekend to kung fu for my bday with my real friends. and he will not be invited. if I want to go to schliterbaun over spring break I will. and he will not be invited. I probably wont. but still. like im going to accomplish my goals and I don't need him. and I am going to win this show im going to bring a fucking amazing package. and kill it. and all eyes aregoing to be on me for once and im going to fucking ignore him. this should've been over the first time and I see now. I shouldn't have taken him back. I shouldn't have let him feed on me and I am excited to finally let him see what its like to get zero attention and not mean anything to someone who means a lot to you. he wants me like cut off oohhhh can I cut someone off or what. and no matter what I will feel good because damn I have so much going for me. I have so much to look forward to this year. I should be happy not sad. he is far from the best thing that ever happened to me. the best is yet to come. and I am so excuted for my anxiety to go away. for my focus to return for my PEACE to return. and im proud of myself cause im making things happen. the sad thing is his dreams are going to come true for ME and hes going to have to just watch. like..i don't even know how to go about loving someone that doesn't love you and just..dropping it. I know itll probably take the full six months to truly let go but he gave me so many reasons to I didn't give him any. he left me alone SO MUCH its my natural state now and im okay. im gaining popularity on instagram and confidence. soon i'll surpass him. by a lot. based on personality alone for the most part. this challenge im going to pray and put in the time and effort and it will be a success. and I will order my suit and my hair will be growing. its going to be a whole new person next time he sees me. in 5 months im going to BUILD a whole new person. man its pretty much 4. its pretty soon. but ive been working hard and building and im going to build more and ill be working with an amazing coach. and making new connections. its a shame but its reality and I get it. I just...idk the whole thing is retarded but im over it. "instead of letting you convince me" its ridiculous. he knows hes wrong. now that he knows for sure now that I actually said I loved him he will never come back to me. probably wont even tell me happy bday he was a mistake but a lesson learned and eventually people wont even associate him with me which I will be happy about because he doesn't even deserve that. the truth is im 10 times the person he is and I would've been his saving grace but hes too far gone. and im just sick of it. I want to feel better. I want to fall asleep without thinking about him for hours. I want to wakeup without anxiety and get out of bed because I want to. I think ill realize he was holding me back and theres no telling what I can accomplish without that massive weight on my shoulders. that wasn't the way I planned to tell him I loved him but you know what it still feels good to get it off my chest. I told the truth and its going to set me free. hes lving a lie and he will remain trapped. thank you God for everything. I love you. I really have to get on my ish though.