Day 3- Still Really Hard, but Much Better

Didn't want to wakeup. But I did. I wasn't like majorly depessed though I didn't necessarily feel like going to work I didn't feel horrible. Goal was really just to get through the day. I mean..all i remmeber thinking when i got up caise like last night i didnt get to sleep til probably 1. because i was itching everywhere and typing etc. but yea all i remember thinking was wow there is no way this boy loves me how could i ever think that. and I mean it was relieving to lose the hope. I just felt a lot more like...collected and like i could see clearer. Got up pretty much on time though and left the house fairly early to get taco cabana. the day itself wasn't bad Sandra came to visit me I told her the basic jist with Corey. I couldn't help it. talked about my bday decided I didn't want to go out. im just so sick of people. got some more stuff for my brain and for stress. kava was really the only thing that helped. finally..by like 4..cause like by then I was ready to scream. I just really could use a vacay right now and obviously I don't get one. the door stopper fell off the wall. thor is playing with it and it sounds like a continuous fart. lol anyway. the kava calmed me down and I could think clearly. I only cried like a LITTLE bit today. in the bathroom. but I got a lot of work done. once my stress got better I could focus. I have to like handle this stress and manage it. I did go workout after work I was feeling a lot better as the day went on. I just only worked out for like 30 minutes and didn't do cardio. I did back. gotta do arms tomorrow. I did pretty high volume. didn't burn as many calories as yday but not horrible. at this point it still hurts. a lot. but im not wishing anymore. not praying for God to fix it or make him talk to me. I realize he wasn't good for me and things were not meant to be and weren't ever going to work out. he tried to tell me but he wasn't strong enough to really be adamant about it in the beginning or we wouldn't be where we are. and he definitely shouldn't have come back even if he was having issues with chris. not surprising that he would do something so selfish. but whatever. and I mean..yea if I hadn't said I loved him and had just let him go the first time eventually he most likely would've come back. though ill never know. now..he wont. theres no way. that boy doesn't love me. idk why. but it just wasn't there for him or we wouldn't be where we are. when you love someone you run TO them not from them. I had flashes of HER and her instagram where she put that he said he loved her. like..i KNOW how he can be. and that's what kept me here. what could've been. but he just was never like that with me he was never affectionate or sweet or giving or caring. very very rarely and I held onto those moments but they were way too rare. I made it too easy and he took advantage to be honest. no a good person wouldn't have done that but you cant let people get away with murder like I did with him. its ridiculous but I cant take it back and I at least know its cause I really liked him. but I gotta get to the point I will never like anyone enough to do myself wrong and settle for the bare minimum. I mean. we weren't in a real relationship. he wouldn't change his fb status I was never going to get over tat. he just never was serious he never wanted to be with me and I just shouldn't have even dealt with that. in the beginning when he gave me that bullshit I should've walked away right then. oh well. cant take it back now. and when I tried to walk away he wouldn't let me. so im not completely to blame. I mean the thing that's really stressing me right now is him. its having all this to do while losing what makes me happy and being heart broken. I need him right now. desperately but hes nowhere to be found. he doesn't check on me he dosnt worry about me. I wake up thinking about him I pray for him and I go to sleep thinking about him. he wakes up thinking about himself. goes to sleep thinking about himself and doesn't pray for anything ever. he doesn't pray. hes just not a good person. hes very underdeveloped in his humanity. how do you even be that narcissistic. but whatever. I mean I can see now that this is for the best I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much. all I know is I was there when he was stressed and crying. and I listened and had his back. but me, I had to hide my pain so asnot to burden him. he is so high maintenance. and just..spoiled. like a girl. its ridiculous. I don't want to be a part of it. I just want to not be so sad and hurt. everyday is so hard for me and so easy for him and I know in the future and even now im ten times what he is in every way and my future is way brighter than his. I never cared. but the thing is he didn't either. with me there was nothing to put up with. he caused all my drama. I was low maintenance and sweet and giving and he ate it up and spit me out like I was gross. no decent hguy would be unattracted to someone like me. at all. even highschool kids. hes worse than highschool kids. and im over it. he doesn't value people. he only values stuff and fame and aesthetics on his own body and hes doing unhealthy shit just to look good. he was willing to sacrifice me to be "successful" using sam mcguffy for an example what a joke. seriously hes lucky I didn't say that. but anyway yea..everyday things get a little more clear. doesn't hurt any less though. which sucks I know I have to be patient. but im giving up on him. I don't expect anything from him. im not going out on Saturday getting alld ressed up for no one. just to post pics he cant see. and pretend to have fun while im surrounded by un single people. I cant and I don't want to. its my bday. I want to be fucking alone to be honest. I mean if were 100% real I hve been alone the majority of these past 6 months. he hasn't earned anything. in his life. besides his body. especially not me.a nd it burns my biscuits that he just gets to keep living that life. that he even has friends. that HE gets to leave me and feel like ew she loves me shes too serious run. and like seriously feel good about himself at all. while im here suffering. feeling crappy. im embarrassed and ashamed especially that I told him I loved him I never wanted to say it first but you know what. I did what I knew I had to do to bring about the outcome I needed not what I wanted. I WANTED him back but in my heart I knew it was impossible and not meant to be. so I told him what I had to tell him to keep him away from me which is whats best for me to get over him and be happy. at least this is the lump sum. there is no more pain when this ends. at the end of the month..march 20th, without any contact I will be okay. I will start to reemerge into the world of the living. ill be 10 days away from prep. ill be almost 12 weeks out from my show. ill be paying for kim and Tanya (suit.) ill be halfway done with the semester. itll be a 100% better time. he caught me at a bad time. its sad he didn't get to see me at my best but to be honest if he cant deal with me at a bad time he doesn't deserve me at a good time. he doesn't deserve me at all. and my pride and ego is hurt that he walks away with everything and me nothing but at least at the end I let him go. and no matter how much I could use what we never had right now, how much easier it was last week when I had him to laugh with and look forward to, it doesn't matter cause that's the past and I will NOT turn back this time. I wont tell him I don't hate him. I wont talk to him at all. he may have gotten EVERYTHING from me. but he wont get anything else. I don't know anything that's going on in his life and he doesn't know anything that's going on in mine bbut I wont show one ounce of discomfort im going to fake it til I make it. and I cannot WAIT til the day I am through this and over him nd can see the sun and the possibilities in life again. til im excited. but this time honestly I have to build myself up so strong that no guy will ever be able to do this again and my prayer to God was I said I wont ask for anything else regarding Corey but for you to get me through this. and help ease my pain and comfort me. but PLEASE let this be my last heartbreak let this be my last trial and tribulation the next guy im involved with I want it to be my soulmate the man im going to marry. I want the guy God wants for me because I know he will eb a dream come true. I want to stop this im done growing and learning the hard way I don't even want to date I don't need anyone around not even for fun. im ready to be serious. and I want someone who is serious about me I don't ever want to hold back again. it was horrible whispering in my head I love you a thousand times when he kissed me and never being able to say it. I don't want to play those games I don't wan tto be involved with anyone that gives ,me anxiety. I don't want to waste my time ever again. I want a partner for life or I want nothing. and I know he heard and will answer that prayer. so when im done with this there will be clearer skies. it feels horrible. I feel naked. like everyone sees me and knows what an idiot I was. I feel like I got robbed. by a friend. im confused and lost but I do accept and realize the reality now. that I never would've left and it HAD to end so he left me. and it is a gift from God he rescued me from something that was ruining my life and the only pain now is caused by me resisting that/ I cant help it. I need more time. I will get there though. I have hope for myself and my life. I just have to be really kind and sweet to myself to heal me back to fighting shape and honestly just stay to myself after that. my standards are high now I know definitely what I DONT want and I don't want to even talk to anyone..until im 100% strong and loving myself and just don't need them. im not there yet. I need to forget him. I want a clean slate. I want it to literally be like he doesn't exist. I know I have to tell everyone at work the truth so they can stop bringing him up. I just...don't want to yet. we're not getting back together.ever. honestly we never were together. I let myself be his secret for 6 months im over it. and he wont come back. but so what if he did. today I wished someone would contact him and have him surprise me at my bday but I know surprises don't happen for me im impossible to surprise cause I think too much. and like he wouldn't do anything for me ever. this is just going to be over. I wont see him. and like supposed he did tell me happy bday. that would upset me. no matter what he said it wouldn't be enough. it would be like starting over mentally. and if he doesn't say anything that's going to hurt my feelings too but itll probably be best. I kind of wanted him to like just text me and say can I take you out for your bday and me say no thank you. but what good would anything do. there is no good. there is no consolation no reconciliation no nothing. its done. hopefully the worst is over and I can honestly pretend it never happened. eventually ill probably take down the pics. not to that point yet. I still keep checking my phone for the block symbol. but this will be only the second time ever ive ever made it through day 3 so it definitely is an accomplishment. tomorrow will be the real test I will be busy though. right now I just need to keep to myself and ill come out when I feel like. I have no one to impress it doesn't really matter. tomorrow is the start of a new week though. im getting up in the mornings to do cardio. that's a habit I want to build. the season is ever approaching and its time to get serious. I have my chocolat bars so I can have my daily cheat. and cheat meals will come on sundays. well..no I can do Saturdays since tomorrow will be clean. every other day goal is just to eat exactly according to my diet. added a big salad to take up space. and get cardio in its time to start leaning out I have like 5 weeks to get t 12 percent I looked in the mirror today and I have a lot of bodyfat in unsightly places. I have good musclemass and conditioning will come with time but I need to start leaning out for real. anyway. yea. I really just have to choose to not stress and relax as much as possible. and be alone as much as possible cause constantly being surrounded by people is driving me insane in the membrane. God thnk you for being there for me. hopefully tomorrow will be even better than today.